Lindsay Lohan Can’t Read

January 14, 2013 / Posted by:

A human tornado of pure happiness was seen doing cartwheels while shouting “I’M FINALLY FREE!” down the streets of Los Angeles this afternoon and now we know it was Lindsay Lohan’s former attorney celebrating the sweet taste of freedom. Lindsay Lohan continued her impressive streak of making bad decisions by firing the person who kept her out of the clink time and time again. TMZ says that LiLo hired NYC-based lawyer Mark Heller, who’s represented the Son of Sam and Jon Gosselin, and broke up with Shawn Holley. Finally, one of LiLo’s stupid decisions worked in Shawn’s favorite. Bitch is FREEEEEEE! Or is she?

LiLo is in trouble in L.A. for lying to the cops about not driving the Porsche that crashed into a semi on PCH, and she’s also in trouble in NYC for punching that psychic in a club. This morning, Shawn Holley was on her way to court to get negotiate a plea bargain in LiLo’s L.A. case when she got a letter from Mark Heller saying that her services were no longer needed. Mark Heller told Shawn Holley that not only is he handling LiLo’s criminal case in NYC, but he’s handling all of her criminal cases now. LiLo signed the letter. Shawn Holley wanted to feel sad about getting dumped, but she was too busy orgasming with joy on the inside.

But wait….

TMZ is now saying that LiLo is just a dumbass, because she signed Mark’s letter without knowing that it was Shawn’s termination letter. This is why you should never sign an important document just minutes after you vagchugged a whole bottle of Svedka. LiLo told Mark, whose license was suspended for 5 years in the 90s, to send a letter asking Shawn to ignore the first one.

Who knows if Shawn will take her back, because Radar says that LiLo owes her over $300,000 in legal fees and hasn’t made a payment in over 6 months. Shawn seems weirdly devoted to LiLo, so I’m sure she’ll take that mess back, but she shouldn’t. Shawn should change her name, change her face and move so that LiLo can’t show up at her door and cry in front of it for 90 minutes straight. Run while you still can, Shawn!

And you know what else LiLo signs on for without reading? Movies. Case in point: the newest preview for The Canyons.

That falling water bottle was giving the most in that scene.

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