Jodie Foster Did Not Retire From Acting

Somewhere in between asking for a wolf whistle, name dropping Honey Boo Boo and declaring that she’s a single gayelle, I thought Jodie Foster also officially announced her retirement from doing acting stuff. I should’ve asked Detective La Toya, Robert Langdon and the Scooby Doo Gang to decipher her speech before I came to that conclusion, because she didn’t retire from doing acting stuff. After Jodie Foster gave the most amazing coming out speech since one of my friends came out to his mom by saying, “Yes, mom, I like dick, so stop asking,” she went backstage to the press room and let bitches know that she didn’t announce her retirement from acting.

“I could never stop acting. You’d have to drag me behind, like, a team of horses. No, I’m not retiring from acting. And, you know, I’d like to be directing tomorrow . . . I’m actually more into it than I have ever been. [My point was] that people change. Change is important. And, you know, hopefully I’ll be doing different things than I did when I was three years old and six years old and ten years old and 20 years old . . . My work is evolving.”

Jodie also said that the rest of her speech “speaks for itself.” Okay, if that’s the case, then Jodie’s speech is telling me that she dropped acid and chased it with cat tranquilizers before she went on stage, because  she looked like she was tripping while falling down a never-ending K-hole. But I’m glad Jodie cleared that up. Jodie is still a lesbian, still gave a magical and wondrous speech, and there’s a chance she’ll star in a remake of Nell. Chicka, chickabee. (Fun Fact: Every single one of Honey Boo Boo’s family members got their nickname from a Nell phrase.)