Lindsay Lohan Really Is The Neely O’Hara Of Our Time

January 10, 2013 / Posted by:

Stephen Rodrick was on the set of The Canyons almost every day during filming for a New York Times Magazine profile piece about the movie and he somehow made it out alive. That’s saying a lot, because at one point, Stephen was in the same car as Lindsay Lohan. Stephen’s piece is at least forty thousand words long, but it’s worth it, because shit is fascinating. LiLo comes off as a narcissistic, self-entitled ball of delusion who lives on a different planet where time doesn’t exist. It has everything you could ever want from a forty thousand word piece, so pop the crackcorn and put your eyes on it. Here’s a few highlights from it:

Paul Schrader, the director of The Canyons, cast Lindsay Lohan even though the movie’s writer Bret Easton Ellis told him she was wrong for the part. Paul told LiLo that she would only get $100 a day (plus profits) and had to shoot a four-way sex scene. LiLo agreed to that and was okay with having no say in making decisions. But a quick minute into production, LiLo was fired after she didn’t show up to rehearse with her co-star James Deen. The producer Braxton Pope let LiLo know that she was fired and the crazy bitch showed up to Paul’s hotel, banged on his door and gave the performance of her life! This truly is some Neely O’Hara shit:

Pope finally reached Lohan, telling her she was done. Lohan began to cry and begged for another chance. Pope told her that Schrader had made up his mind.

Lohan headed for the Orlando. She pounded on doors until she found Schrader’s room. As she banged on his door, she texted him manically. Schrader could hear her crying but wouldn’t let her in. He texted her instead.

“Lindsay, go home.”

The hotel manager rang up to ask if he should call the cops. Schrader told him no and sat down on his bed. Lohan stayed out in the hall sobbing for another 90 minutes before she finally left.

Paul gave her another chance when he watched her screen test again. Paul told her that if she fucked up again, he’d drop her ass off at the back of the unemployment line. Of course, she screwed up again. One day when they broke for lunch, LiLo said she wanted to go to a restaurant with her assistants and this made Paul and Braxton Pope nervous. So they made a co-producer drive LiLo and her group of messes to lunch. Since it’s kind of weird snorting lines of vodka in front of your co-producer during lunch time, LiLo pulled this hot move:

A few hours later, the production broke for lunch. Lohan announced she wanted to grab a bite somewhere on the Pacific Coast Highway. This concerned Pope and Schrader — they could monitor her only as long as they could see her — so they dispatched the co-producer, Ricky Horne Jr., to chauffeur Honig, Lohan and her assistants to wherever they wanted to go.

Horne drove them down the hill, pausing at a security gate. That’s when his passengers did a jailbreak, jumping out of his car. Honig frantically pushed buttons until the gate opened and the four of them dashed for Lohan’s assistant’s car. Horne sat, baffled for a moment, before heading back up the hill and briefing Schrader. The director was furious.

“O.K., she’s lost the privilege of leaving for lunch. She stays here.”

Lohan returned, only 15 minutes late, emerging from makeup to an angry Schrader.

After James and LiLo shot a scene where he grabbed her, tripped her and then body-slammed her to the floor, someone complimented her on how good she was at acting terrified and she gave all the credit to Michael Lohan. You should definitely play “Confessions of a Broken Heart” while reading this:

Deen came to life; throwing the negligée-wearing Lohan hard to the ground and pounding his fist into a wall with such fury I wondered if he had broken his hand. Lohan lay slumped on the floor, her hands guarding her face, shoulders shaking, tears pouring down her cheeks. Between takes, she listened to Ryan Adams’s cover of “Wonderwall.” After three shots, Schrader said he was satisfied, and Lohan fumbled for a cigarette. She headed downstairs, and someone complimented her work.

“Well, I’ve got a lot of experience with that from my dad.”

She didn’t elaborate, and no one asked.

And after LiLo shot that four-way sex scene with James Deen and two other porn stars, which she really didn’t want to do, she drove from the set drunk. YAY!

A few minutes later, Schrader yelled cut. The crew packed up. Pope went to check on Lohan. He noticed that she and Gavin had been drinking, which was understandable for a young woman shooting a sex scene with three porn stars. Quietly, Pope told Lohan that he could get her a driver to take her home. But she refused, jumped into her Porsche and headed down the dark, narrow road toward the P.C.H. They all hoped they would still have a lead actress in the morning.

It goes on and on and on and you should really read the whole thing. After reading all 500,000 words of this masterpiece, I only have one question: FOR WHY DIDN’T THEY TURN THIS INTO A REALITY SHOW?!!!

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