Obama’s Biggest Fangirls Will Perform At His Inauguration

January 9, 2013 / Posted by:

Beyonce is looking like me when I’m patiently waiting for them to call my number at In-N-Out.

Khlamidiá Kardashian West’s (that’s what Kim and Kanye are naming their baby, right?) auntie will sing the National Anthem at President Obama’s inauguration on January 21st in DC.  No, the “National Anthem” I’m talking about is not “Single Ladies.” I’m talking about the other National Anthem. The one perfected by Roseanne. Yeah, that one.

Beyonce yodeled out “At Last” at the Inaugural Ball in 2009 and she must have tingled Obama’s ears the right way, because he asked her back. I’m sure stalking his every move had nothing to do with him making that decision. Beyonce’s lace front edges will curl when she sings the “Star-Spangled Banner” at the West Front of the U.S. Capitol. People says that the Presidential Inaugural Committee also announced that Ron Paul’s former fangirl Kelly Clarkson will try to outdo Aretha Franklin and Aretha Franklin’s legendary hat when she sings “My Country Tis Of Thee” (SPOILER ALERT: she won’t). James Taylor will sing “America The Beautiful.”

Beyonce, Kelly Clarkson and James Taylor?! What kind of Inaugural Ceremony is that? That’s not the America I know. This is what the lineup for the Inaugural Ceremony should look like:

The Auto-Tuned National Anthem - Rebecca Black ft. the Backin Up Lady and Sweet Brown

My Country Tis Of Thee/Red (aka The Target Song) -  Taylor Swift and the American Exes (Joe Jonas, Chord Overstreet, John Mayer, Conor Kennedy, Jake Gyllenhaal and Taylor Lautner)

‘Murica The Beautimous – Honey Boo Boo Chile accompanied by Sugar Bear playing Mama June’s chins like a harmonica

That’s what it should look like. But whatever, Obama can have his Beyonce. I’m sure that right after Beyonce’s performance, Francis Scott Key will stop sipping his tea to say to the angels around him, “I tell you that woman he had singing for him, singing my words, she gonna get her ass whooped.

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