All Hail The Future President Of The United States

The Hollywood Reporter posted another piece from Pulitzer Prize winning author Lawrence Wright’s book about Scientology and this one is 7 internet pages long and is all about Tommy Girl’s relationship with Scientology’s HBIC David Miscavige. What I’ve learned after reading that shit is that David’s head is firmly up Tommy’s ass and Tommy’s head is firmly up David’s ass. (Yes, I know that image is more terrifying than anything scene in The Human Centipede.) David worships Tommy and Tommy thinks David is the second coming. My skin is now covered in a thick layer of barf, because my Thetans are all vomming in unison.

Lawrence talked with several high ranking members of Sea Org including Mark Rathbun. Lawrence learned that David Miscavige is an egomaniacal muscle midget who spends up to $20,000 a week on fancy food, makes his staff polish the light bulbs in his mansion once a month, sleeps until noon and once told Tommy that he believes they are two of only a few “big beings” on the planet. Queen David also brags about how Tommy modeled his character in A Few Good Men on him.

Lawrence also learned that when Tommy was married to Nicole Kidman he started drifting away from Scientology a bit and Queen David blamed it all on Nicole. He saw Nicole as a gold digger who was faking Scientology and he nearly jizzed creamed Thetans from his butt when Tommy filed for divorce. But before Tommy filed for divorce, David did try to keep Tommy and Nicole together even though he didn’t trust her ass. David found out that Tommy and Nicole had always wanted to run through a field of wildflowers (too easy), so he made SeaOrg members plant one at Gold Base, Scientology’s desert compound near Hemet, CA. The field of wildflowers wasn’t up to David’s standards and so he ordered them to plow it and cover it with grass. Picky queen.

After Tommy and Nicole’s marriage contract expired, he got into Scientology even more and quickly became one of the High Priestesses. Tommy wanted to talk to Prime Minister Tony Blair about declaring Scientology a tax-deductible charity organization in Britain and asked President Clinton to help him do this. Clinton sort of shrugged him off. Then when George W. Bush was President, Tommy  tried to convince the Secretary of Education at the time to include Scientology’s “study tech” methods into the No Child Left Behind program. That led to Queen David and Tommy Girl having this hilariously delusional conversation while riding from the airport to Gold Base:

“Bush may be an idiot,” Miscavige observed, “but I wouldn’t mind his being our Constantine,” referring to the first Roman Emperor to convert to Christianity.

Cruise agreed. “If fucking Arnold can be governor, I could be president.”

Miscavige responded, “Well, absolutely, Tom.”

(Cruise, through his lawyer, denies this exchange and says he has no political ambition.)

If Tommy Girl was President, there would be no sales tax on man heels, all anti-depressants would be turned into numbing butt lube, claiming a beard on your tax return would get you an extra deduction and Matt Lauer’s citizenship would be revoked. Actually, I’d probably vote for Tommy based on that last one alone.

Here’s America’s future President with Rosamund Pike at the Jack Reacharound premiere in Tokyo.