Taylor Swift, Katie Holmes and Renee Zellweger are all shedding a single tear while fearing for the future of bearding, because they’ve lost another one. Matt Dallas, who was Kyle in Kyle XY, has publicly declared his undying love for peen on Twitter (via Towleroad) by announcing that he’s engaged to a dude. So Matt Dallas shouted “I LOVE PEEN!” and then every dude with a peen who loves dudes who loves peen is like, “YAY! More options for me!” But then Matt Dallas breaks boners by saying he’s not single and he’s not an option. This is like if In-N-Out announced their new home delivery service and then in the next breath said that unfortunately, all delivery slots are filled forever! Sorry.
Matt Dallas coming out as gay is about as shocking and unpredictable as me announcing that I had a pot cookie and a cream soda for dinner last night, but he still did it. Matt opened the glass closet door and slipped out with this tweet about being engaged to singer/songwriter type Blue Hamilton.
The combination of Blue Hamilton sort of looking like Matt Dallas in the face and me having the Mondays in my eyes made me think to myself, “Matt Dallas is engaged to a Labrador? Congratulations, I guess, but the Labrador doesn’t look really fucking excited about it.”
You know you thought that too, don’t lie.
(Pic via Tyler Shields)