Today’s headline: Naomi Campbell injured as she was attacked and robbed in Paris
Tomorrow’s headline: Paris thieves founds bludgeoned to death with a Blackberry in their underground lair, no suspects
How do you say “Nobody fucks with Naomi?” in French, because that’s what needed to be whispered in the ear of French thieves who robbed her ass and knocked her over on the streets of Paris. Page Six says that over a month ago, Naomi The Terrible was hailing a cab in Paris when French thugs, who had been casing her out, knocked her to the ground and stole her shit. Naomi tore a ligament and her really hot Russian billionaire boyfriend flew her on his private jet to Vail, CO to be treated by the top orthopedic surgeon in the world. Naomi is now laid up in her mansion on Star Island in Miami, plotting her revenge on those bitches. The French police are currently looking for two suspects named Kar and Ma. A source put it like this to Page Six:
“It was terrifying. Naomi believes the assailant had been watching her, casing her out, and waited for a moment to strike when she was alone. She was attacked in the street as she hailed a cab, and robbed. Her leg was injured as she was violently pushed to the ground. She was understandably very upset and shaken up.”
The Daily Mail has pictures of Naomi sitting on a Jazzy with her leg in a cast. The Daily Mail’s source is squinting their eyes at all of this, because Naomi never reported the attack to the police. Another source said that Naomi only drives in limousines, thankyouverymuch, and if you’ve got kidney stones, just imagine her trying to hail a cab. That image will make you laugh so hard that all of your kidney stones will shoot out of your pee hole. When Page Six asked Naomi about it, she told them that she doesn’t speak to the press and that she’s fine.
Something in the milk really ain’t clean about this, because The Daily Mail’s source is right. Why was Naomi taking a taxi? Was her private limousine driver in the hospital, because she kicked his knee cap off after he made eye contact with her while opening her door? Why was Naomi hailing her own taxi? I didn’t know her arm could do that! Where was one of her ten dozen assistants or bodyguards? More importantly, how did a bunch of regular dudes manage to tackle Naomi to the ground? Naomi can chop off a housekeeper’s head from 50 yards away by throwing her ninja star Blackberry, but she couldn’t beat down to stupid ass thieves? You’d think that Naomi would’ve stunned them with her cunt glare and then cackled as their brains seeped out of their ear holes while she beat them over the head.
What is going on, Naomi? Are you trying to tell us that your super Blackberry-beating power is weakening? Say it ain’t so. I don’t even know what world we’re living in anymore.
UPDATE: French police are now saying that Naomi Campbell did file a report with them. Naomi was lounging in her limousine with the door open when two thieves on bikes tried to snatch her purse up. They didn’t get shit, but apparently Naomi was knocked over a little and a ligament in her leg tore.