When you Google “Don Johnson naked” or “Don Johnson huge dick,” you get NSFW pictures of his rolled up pancake peen and articles about how his wang is so enormous that it can pin down Jon Hamm’s hammaconda in a wrestling match. Rolling Stone (via Page Six) decided to ask Don Johnson if it’s true that he can tickle a lady’s tonsils just by sticking the tip in her coochie and he shook his head no. Don says that the label on his dick says “regular” and not XXXXXL like the rumors claim, but he says he knows of a different Johnson with a wide-screen, hi-def dick.
“Look, I’ve seen guys with a lot bigger [penises] than me. One time, I was in the Celtics locker room talking to Larry Bird and Kevin McHale . . . and there’s Dennis Johnson coming out of the showers and, dude, that’s who put the Johnson in Johnson. I mean, it must have shown on my face, because when I turned back to Larry, he looked at me and said, ‘I know, huh?’ and I was like, ‘Dude, that’s a weapon.’ “
I know your fingers are itching to Google “Dennis Johnson huge dick,” but I already did and only got a screen full of Don Johnson’s face. Don Johnson ain’t shit for bringing this up 5 years after Dennis Johnson passed away, because it’s not like they can have a big dick-off to see whose peen game is bigger.
And speaking of cocks the size of Liechtenstein, since I post about Richard Simmons all the time, a reader wrote me once to say that he (Richard Simmons) has the biggest cock they’ve ever seen. That e-mail was the equivalent of the recess bell, because it let me know that I had way too much Internet and needed to go outside to play.