JLo Keeps Her Life Simple And Beautiful By Dressing Herself
When you got up this morning, wiped your own ass, scrubbed down your own pits in the shower and then put your clothes on by yourself, did you stop and think to herself, "What I just did there was so simple, so elegant, so beautiful"? Well, if you did, you're an asshole, because that's what JLo says every time she dresses herself. Jenny is still from the block, but the block she's from now is in Bel Air and her entire $500 million 400-room mansion sits on it.
JLo told Harper's Bazaar that her gold-plated life is so damn luxurious and over-the-top that she thinks it's so simple and so beautiful when she gets to dress her own self and comb her kids' hair. Bitch thinks she's Marie Antoifuckingnette.
"I like the whole idea of traveling, of looking good, and doing it well. I make it as simple and as beautiful as I can because my life is kind of big. So I pack my luggage, or dress myself, or comb my kids' hair, pick up their clothes — that makes our life beautiful, you know? There's something very elegant in that."
The hell kind of diamond dust is this bitch inhaling? She's out-GOOPING GOOP! I get that JLo usually has stylists sewing her into $50,000 gowns and a team of vagina nurses who change her rabbit fur tampons for her, but is she that out of touch? Of course she is, I know. But she shouldn't think that dressing herself is simple. I mean, it must be pretty hard and complicated to put on pants while your head is shoved far up your own ass. So she should give herself some serious credit for that. It's JLo's greatest talent!
And JLo also talked about that infamous Gucci dress she wore to the Grammys with Diddy:
"I have that at home. The other day, my housekeeper put it on a mannequin in my spa, where I get my hair and makeup done. She sent me a picture. She was like, 'You like this dress?' Um, yeah, but I don't know if I like it out in the house!"
I'm pretty sure a part of that quote was chopped off. JLo went on to say, "...and then I fired my maid for putting her peon hands all over the dress I'll have to sell on eBay when bitches get tired of my ridiculous diva ways and stop hiring my ass."
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@ Reason....*low sweeping bow, let's an elegant one rip*
Submitted by Foxxy Brown on Fri, 01/04/2013 - 12:51am.
Submitted by Whamo on Fri, 01/04/2013 - 12:43am.
Michelle ate an entire head of raw cauliflower yesterday.
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That line truly made me lol!!
Man I can just IMAGINE those nasty blasters!
LOL Whamo, VOB, Twatty, Foxxy and all the elegant people present. Life is such decadent elegance on the DL.
Jellopatra looks good in the dress and shoes/boots though. :)
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"CAUTION: Delusion ahead." MK
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@ VOB -- i was in the far wing of the villa and she was cast out into the hinterlands of the rear compound. my elegant and beautiful night was not futher disturbed by her noxious -- yet elegant -- emissions. and, no, she's more the silent and deadly type.
"Voodoo is forgetting who's the john and who's the whore." MK, 3/20/12
Foxxy... But we're her nocturnal emissions elegant and beautiful.. And how was her pitch?
I'd say I'm surprised by this but the truth is I heard it in a song while I was sleeping upside down in my daughter's closet.- Dog
Submitted by Whamo on Fri, 01/04/2013 - 12:43am.
Michelle ate an entire head of raw cauliflower yesterday. her rectal emissions last night were both generous and elegant. my life is kind of big, but i kept it as simple and beautiful as possible as i forcibly ejected her stank ass into the back yard.
"Voodoo is forgetting who's the john and who's the whore." MK, 3/20/12
For all her pretenses, jewels, mannequins in the house, and every other soulless thing she believes makes her so fucking special, the truth of the matter is that she can't hold onto a decent man.
You just know that kills her.
Submitted by veryoldbat on Thu, 01/03/2013 - 11:45pm.
Wham- I'm sure Uno produces tasteful and elegant cat spackle and sings the national anthem on Key too.
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Indeed VOB, Uno is very elegant and most beautiful when he's squatting in his litter box.
Submitted by Orangina on Thu, 01/03/2013 - 11:59pm.
And then when she gets in trouble for this interview, she'll just say the interviewer misquoted her.
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The "journalist" wasn't "elegant" enough to understand JBlow.
Im a single mother, I have 11 year old twin boys and a teenage daughter. I do all of everything........shit, not only do I dress myself, I iron my own shit too!! JLo you stupid bitch have all the muthafucking seats. Im so incorporating 'elegant' into my vocabulary now lol :D
*also, her outfit looks like something a hooker in a Nogales, Mexico nightclub would wear....elegant as fuck!
UGH is all I have to say about this over the hill has-been. Raise your kids asshole.
I always laugh whenever a stupid trash whore like her or Kim Turdashian try to act like their cum-swallowing days are behind them.
Whatever bitch. You're still the ghetto golddigger who fucked Puff Daddy to get a record deal and became involved in a shooting that you clearly had a lot to do. Your life was simple then, because you didn't have to pretend to have class and keep this ridiculous act 24/7.
I always thought that "iconic" dress was completely unflattering to her and made her look chunky.
She should have had a better career in movies--she was quite good and had real screen presence in some of her earlier stuff. Bad choices followed, I guess.
Hekki, Stan Hooper carries her owns shoes in a bag? You mean she isnt driven home? *clutches pearls, stagers backward, steps on cat's tail, swoons, collapses on settee*
"Let them all boil in their own hotdog juice." Deb 7/2012
Does she think she's in Downton Abbey? Good grief, she says dressing herself is elegant and she's openly fucking a gigolo while wearing tacky clothes. No class. Lady Mary Crawley would never!
And then when she gets in trouble for this interview, she'll just say the interviewer misquoted her.
These are some of the worst quotes I've ever read. Not even Posh would spew out shit like this.
I simply CANNOT!
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Don't start none and the'll be none.
Stan Hooper: You buy your own shoes? That is really simple and elegant! I bet you carry the bag yourself, too, instead of making a servant do it. Well done.
*nods approvingly*
I love how she talks about American Idol: "being a judge is not who I am." Yeah, they traded you in for Mariah Carey.
Wham- I'm sure Uno produces tasteful and elegant cat spackle and sings the national anthem on Key too.. But of course...not to be outdone by pup loaf...: p
I'd say I'm surprised by this but the truth is I heard it in a song while I was sleeping upside down in my daughter's closet.- Dog
She didn't mention Casper Smart's gold plated diapers.
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A Lannister always pays his debts.
I can't stand her for one simple reason: She had it all, then lost it all. She was given another opportunity via American Idol and then thought she had it all back and got too full of herself, all within a year.
Learn some gratitude bitch.
U bitches got me larfing so much I just pee'd!
As he produced said loaf he was over come with the most beatific expression, I swear you could hear "Jesu, the Joy of Man's Desiring". I was in awe and sank to my knees on the Kentucky blue grass lawn.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S6OgZCCoXWc
"Let them all boil in their own hotdog juice." Deb 7/2012
Shallow, vapid, spoilt, vacant, narcissistic bitch! Off with their (spoilt, rich celebrities) heads!
Like Jlo, i dress myself too. Elegant as always.
I know elegant when i see it! Impeccable taste in shoes too..its Aerosoles all the way baby! I go all out when a get an elegant pair for $19.99 on clearance.
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Brevity may be the soul of wit, but to twit without wit is soulless -- Johanne Savoie
Whamo -- hell, no, I'm not Jello, but I aspire to be as elegant as her every day. But thanks for the compliment -- I only hope & dream I can one day be compared to the beautiful & elegant Miss Jennifer Lopez! Isn't that what every little girl dreams of???
Hekki -- I hope little Hekki's stomach flu is swift yet elegant.
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"I'm from Chicago, bitch!"
"LEAVE THE COUNTRY BEARS ALLLLLOOONEEEE!!!!"
-- christine the hoff
She's like a real housewife. Desperately trying to act like she's upper class.
Simple? Yeah, JLo. I'll believe that when I believe you wipe your kids' runny noses, when you are checking them for a fever every hour when they have a bad cold, and when you even KNOW if their poo has turned a funny colour when they're unwell. Do you even remember which bedroom is theirs? Haha, what am I talking about, like two little twins would even be in the same bedroom like 'simple' people?
My New Year's Resolution: win the lottery, birth a kid, and hire someone to raise him/her. Who's going to impregnate me by around 24 March?
rabbit fur tampons
lol .. actually I'd be shocked if they were anything less than chinchilla
Marie Antoifuckingnette
Now THAT is elegance!
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"End well: this isn't going to." - MK
Submitted by Twat Muffin on Thu, 01/03/2013 - 11:06pm.
GG -- and I hope you thanked your doggeh for producing such an elegant & beautiful loaf that could be disposed of in such an elegant manner. What a gracious, elegant puppy!
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LMFAO!! That couldn't have been said more elegant and beautifully, Twatty...are you really Jlow!?
*bowing down to johnnysgirl's sewing skills, for I have none*
Now to exult in the insouciant elegance of bending over to toss more wood in the woodstove without lethal sparks flying in my face.
FoxxyBrown: will do.
Twatty: but of course! mrowr
Wait....are rabbit fur tampons really a thing???!!?? Ewwww. But I could totally imagine a team of minions servicing her when aunt flow arrives.
Bitch needs to stfu, that quote makes no sense. She needs an elegant swift kick to her ass.
I hate this bish sfm. I feel badly for her kids. She uses them as props in pictures and they look so awkward and uncomfortable, like they have no earthly idea why she is suddenly noticing their existence. Ugh. Money cannot buy your kids a decent childhood, I don't care who the fuck you are.
See when I read crap like this, I think JBlow has a reading comprehension problem. I don't think she knows what "elegant" means. I think it was on her word of the day calendar, and she liked the way it sounded. She really means "common" or "normal."
Also, why is she stuck in 2000? She's always mentioning something from her hey day. That dress is over thirteen years old now. The moths have probably eaten it whole.
Haha, Twatty! I am just envious of the elegant day you had. Mine was just simple and beautiful today. But tomorrow is another day. Perhaps it will be elegant, too, since it looks like Eldest has a stomach bug. *crosses fingers*
Seriously, though. She is gorgeous.
Submitted by johnnysgirl on Thu, 01/03/2013 - 11:04pm.
OT: if you have a moment could you put a little more info in Open Post re:how the dress form was made. what a good idea! or can i find the instructions on line? TIA!!
"Voodoo is forgetting who's the john and who's the whore." MK, 3/20/12
The pendulum is always swingng back and forth for me when it comes to her. Right now I like her again but why can't she of all people, with a large gay following , can not see her "man" is gay? is it a case that she can see but managed to get him anyway like some sort of coup? But really J.LO really knows how to be a celebrity, I give her that.
johnnysgirl -- everything kitties do is elegant, don't ya know? LOL!
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"I'm from Chicago, bitch!"
"LEAVE THE COUNTRY BEARS ALLLLLOOONEEEE!!!!"
-- christine the hoff
Tell us, Jennifer dahling, how DO you manage? Because, really, we all couldn't give any less of a shit....
GG -- and I hope you thanked your doggeh for producing such an elegant & beautiful loaf that could be disposed of in such an elegant manner. What a gracious, elegant puppy!
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"I'm from Chicago, bitch!"
"LEAVE THE COUNTRY BEARS ALLLLLOOONEEEE!!!!"
-- christine the hoff
Submitted by Gardening Girl on Thu, 01/03/2013 - 11:03pm.
Twatty, earlier on this glorious day, I scooped up ever so effortlessly, the most odiferous dog loaf.
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*POETRY*
Submitted by fauve on Thu, 01/03/2013 - 10:12pm.
Everyone else has already addressed the rest of this fuckery, but what about the mannequin in her spa?
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I have 2 mannequins, and one dress form (homemade, by one of my friends wrapping me in paper tape we got from the hardware store and then cutting me out of it when it was dry). I don't keep them in my spa tho, they live in my sewing room. Bet this bitch can't even thread a needle. Shut up J-ho!
Twatty, earlier on this glorious day, I scooped up ever so effortlessly, the most odiferous dog loaf. Pitching it into the void that is my refuse receptical, I realized that my lawn was infinitely more elegant.
"Let them all boil in their own hotdog juice." Deb 7/2012
@Hekki:
I wondered about the housekeeper, too. Why would she be in the Grand Dame's closet choosing outfits for the (other) dummy? Unless that's normal routine and she sent the pic for approval/permission for that day's clothes.
But yeah... just bragging at the end of the day. I can't with this ho.
Not to mention she could open an Extensions Outlet right where she's standing with her piles and piles of fake hair.
Just like the drunkie British heiress...
"JUST SMILE LIKE A NORMAL FUCKED UP PERSON."
Charles Manson
Submitted by parissucksliterally on Thu, 01/03/2013 - 10:31pm.
She combs het kids' hair when she remembers she has them.
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JLo calls 911: "Please send the Police there are intruders in my house, please come quick!"
Police arrive, arrest intruders: "uh...Mam...they say you're their mother"
Jlow: "ohhh..ya"
Submitted by Twat Muffin on Thu, 01/03/2013 - 10:49pm.
I'm going to start using the word "elegant" for everything. My trip to the grocery store? Oh, it was so elegant. My shower when I washed my heinie? Oh, it was so elegant. My taking the recycling to the curb? Oh, so elegant. There's so much elegance in our ordinary lives, peeps -- acknowledge it like Jello does.
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HAHA! I was just thinking, "I picked up as much cat puke from the carpet as I could with a paper towel and then sucked up the rest with the vacuum cleaner - it was so simple and elegant."
"Marie Antoifuckingnette" LOLOLOLOL
OUTSTANDING post, MK!!!!! *giddy*