You’d think that GOOPY Paltrow spent her New Year’s Eve getting crushed moonstone enemas while chanting with the Dalai Lama and Deepak Chopra at midnight, but nope. GOOP spent her New Year’s Eve on stage at Jay-Z and Coldplay’s concert in Brooklyn. Chris Martin and GOOPY busted out some piping hot moves that burnt the edges of Beyonce’s lace front AND the edges of Blue Ivy’s lace front. The sparkling diamond water GOOP was sipping must’ve been seriously potent, because bitch did the “Million Dollar Baby” boxing move and the “stirring the organic, gluten-free batter” move all in the span of a minute. Little Apple and Moses Martin haven’t been this mortified since they realized their names are Apple and Moses. Beat the GOOP out of that beat, Fishsticks!