Daily Archives: January 2, 2013

Panty Creamer Of The Day: Jude Law In Maui

January 2, 2013 / Posted by:

I know your nipples knobs are barely hanging on to your areolas since you almost rubbed them off while eye drooling at those pictures of a topless Sean Penn looking like Tarzan’s drunk uncle who shoots his arms veins up with homemade roids, but I’m sure you will find a way to rub your nipples some more to these pictures of Jude Law getting wet in Maui.

I totally would for 3 reasons:

1. If you waxed that pussy muff on top of his head, he’d have a glorious hairline like Beetlejuice after a haircut. Or like the dude from Love It or List It.

2.  Jude’s chest fur looks like a hairy shadow and it only accentuates his man pecs.

3. I’m guessing that the carpet matches the drapes and by that I mean, Jude totally prunes his crotch bush into the shape of a Batman mask so it matches his hairline.

And all those 3 things put together = SWOOOOON right out of your chonies.

Katie Holmes Bearding For Jake Gyllenhaal?

January 2, 2013 / Posted by:

Man, that Suri Cruise chick is a friggin’ diva. And way too big to be carted around like that. NYC does have some dirty-ass sidewalks, but seriously. No wonder why Katie Holmes looks so fatigued all the time. She’s carting Tiny Tim Suri around like the girl has polio and she’s lost her crutches. Stepford Katie is supposedly dating Jake Gyllenhaal, according to The Sun. Jakey’s in good shape, so maybe she’s just looking for a dude to hold her snooty daughter. Or there was a glitch in her server and the bearding program was reactivated?

A source said: “Josh has been the mastermind behind this romance. Katie says that they have tons in common and Jake has already been to see her in Dead Accounts, plus she has been over to his apartment in the West Village for dinner.”


Dead Accounts
is set to close, by the way. No one bought tickets. So she’s going to have time for beardin’. What do they have in common? They both used to have crushes on Tom Cruise? Oh wait, it says that Katie’s Dawson’s Creek pal Joshua Jackson set them up. Let’s throw that in reverse to get at the truth. Jake needed to borrow a Joey Potter wig from Katie to fulfill that “Anal with Pacey” fantasy he’s always had and this is clearly a publicist flipping the script for a “no homo” moment. I don’t blame Jake. Pacey was hot. Get that Capeside cock, gurl.

Update: Gossip Cop says that both of their reps deny this shit. That’s a good thing because that’s one boring-ass couple. What would they have to talk about besides gluten-free products? Boys, I guess.

Check out more pics of Katie Holmes enduring the burden of lazy-ass Suri in the gallery.

Samuel L Likes To Make Bitches Squirm

January 2, 2013 / Posted by:

That title actually sounds a lot sexier than this story is, although pretty much everything Samuel L. Jackson does is damn sexy. In this particular case, Emmy winner Jake Hamilton is interviewing Quentin Tarantino and several of the Django Unchained cast members on his show Jake’s Takes and everyone plays nice….until they get to SLJ and he breaks it off in dude’s ass. Swooooooooon. It seems like every bitch from Sarah Silverman to Katt Williams can’t shut up about how they feel about the use of the “N” word in Django, so Jake tried to ask Samuel what his take was.

The whole interview is above, but skip to the 13:56 mark to watch Jake wishing a hole the size of Kim K’s ass would open up and whisk him away to a safer place, like oblivion.

Jake: Y’know There’s been a lot of controversy surrounding the usage of the “N” word in this movie…
SLJ: No? Nobody? None? The word would be?
Jake: Oh, I don’t want to say it.

Samuel yells at him to say it for almost a full minute, refusing to answer the question until he does, while Jake squirms in his chair like a first grader that has to pee pee. I don’t blame his ass, but it’s kind of funny.

Jake: I don’t like…I don’t wanna say it. Will you say it?
SLJ: No! Fuck no. That’s not the same thing.
SLJ: You want to move on to another question?
Jake: Okay, okay awesome.

As Samuel turns to the camera and laughs his ass off (and never does answer the question), you can’t help but wonder what would have happened if Jake DID say it. I’m thinking Sam L would have pulled a Jules from Pulp Fiction on his ass and he knew it. I DOUBLE DARE YOU MOTHAFUCKER SAY N***ER ONE MORE GOTDAMN TIME.

Afternoon Crumbs

January 2, 2013 / Posted by:

When my landlord opens my door for my family, because they haven’t heard from me in days, they’ll find me shivering with fear while scratching at my eyeballs with one hand and using my other hand to point at this picture of Madge doing the tango with Valentino on New Year’s Eve – Lainey Gossip

STUNTS: RiRi and Fist Brown are still pulling ‘em – The Superficial 

But what does Aunt Bunny have to say about this?! – Towleroad

Guess who’s in a bikini again? You screamed out “JOANNA KRUPA!” before your eyeballs finished reading that last sentence, right? – Hollywood Tuna 

I’m not sure what this says about me, but I’d totally let ginger Rosie O’Donnell stick the tip in – The Berry 

JWoww’s ass cheeks look like they’re trying to escape from her body – Drunken Stepfather

I think I’ve spent less energy on desperately looking for peen on Craigslist than Anne Hathaway has on trying to get that Oscar and that’s saying everything – Celebitchy

Who cares about Jenna Deawn and Channing Tatum, is that fat Marky Mark lounging behind them? – Popoholic

Slow clap to Kris Allen for tweeting the making of his first born and his almost death, while pimping out Ford at the same time – Just Jared

Nothing says “Happy New Year” like using the REDRUM Instagram filter on a picture of your tits, obviously – IDLYITW

Oh, don’t mind Jennifer Lawrence, she’s just eating a daisy on Vanity FairICYDK

Captain, stop the ship! I spot a Laxativos Store over there!” – LeAnn RimesPopsugar

Psy is retiring Gangnam Style….until he has to extend his 15 minutes in America by bringing it out again. So basically, until next week – SOW

My New Year’s resolution is to stop hitting play on videos that have the words “Brown” and “Twerk” in the title – Videogum

The only thing I’ve learned from Royce Reed’s Twitter rant is that she can tweet and stand in line at the unemployment office at the same time – Crunk + Disorderly

Nicole Minetti does the Jessica AlbaHollywood Rag 

Goldie Hawn serves up some more “Peg from Lady and the Tramp” drunkness – Cityrag

The first and last time I’ll ever type these words: Ke$ha’s pussy looks so fresh – I’m Not Obsessed

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Open Post: Hosted By GOOP’s Sweet Moves

January 2, 2013 / Posted by:

You’d think that GOOPY Paltrow spent her New Year’s Eve getting crushed moonstone enemas while chanting with the Dalai Lama and Deepak Chopra at midnight, but nope. GOOP spent her New Year’s Eve on stage at Jay-Z and Coldplay’s concert in Brooklyn. Chris Martin and GOOPY busted out some piping hot moves that burnt the edges of Beyonce’s lace front AND the edges of Blue Ivy’s lace front. The sparkling diamond water GOOP was sipping must’ve been seriously potent, because bitch did the “Million Dollar Baby” boxing move and the “stirring the organic, gluten-free batter” move all in the span of a minute. Little Apple and Moses Martin haven’t been this mortified since they realized their names are Apple and Moses. Beat the GOOP out of that beat, Fishsticks!

via Jezebel

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Brangelina WOULD Get Married On Jesus’ Birthday

January 2, 2013 / Posted by:

If you were born on or around December 25th, then I’m sure you have already cursed your parents for insisting on partaking in bareback love during the springtimes. Jesus is an attention whore, so December 25th is always all about him and other December 25th babies get the shaft. Christmas babies usually get dual purpose gifts and their birthday cake is a pile of leftover holiday cookies with a half-melted candle stuck in it. Well, Christmas babies, Jesus now feels your pain, because his special day has been overshadowed by the ultimate attention whores: BRANGELINA!

The Telegraph says that Brad Pitt and Angie Jo might’ve (but probably not) gotten married on Christmas Day during their holiday vacation to Turks and Caicos. Proving that he’s still a cheating bastard, Brad Pitt cheated on Chanel by staying at Donna Karan’s estate. A source says that Brad’s parents, his sister Julie and his more-talented brother Doug Pitt joined Brangelina and their child army in Turks and Caicos. Some tourists say that they spotted a bulgy-eyed creature slithering around the island, so either James Haven gave Angie away or an iguana on meth did.

So if this is true, then on December 25, 2013, the following is going to happen:

- Instead of wearing red and green Christmas sweaters, we’re going to wear black potato sacks.

- Instead of filling our eating holes with egg nog and Honey Baked Ham, we’re going to slowly sip on virgin blood in between licking a plate covered with Jennifer Aniston’s dried tears.

- Instead of decorating the Christmas tree, we’re all going to smoke pine tree needles out of a bong. (Note: I’m okay with this.)

- Instead of giving our children half an Ambien, so they’ll be passed out when Santa comes to visit, we’re going to put them in front of the fireplace for Angie to take after she slithers down the chimney.

Poor, Jesus. Now he’ll be the one blowing out a half-melted candle on a pile of leftover holiday cookies while everyone is celebrating Brangelina’s wedding day. Merry Brangiemas, I guess.

Making LieLo Look Sober Isn’t Easy

January 2, 2013 / Posted by:

It’s not what you think!! Dina Lohan is NOT completely exploded in the brains out of her mind sidewalk licking DRUNK in these pictures. She is just being an excellent mother by trying to distract everyone from the bloated wasted mess in yet another fur (the Salvation Army must have had a clearance sale) that is her daughter Lindsay. Good plan Dina!! Because the first thing I noticed was that your ass was falling off of your heels and you looked about two seconds from throwing down a pile of puke and then face planting into a cactus or whatever plant was handy. Like daughter, like mother. LieLo looks positively fresh and sober in comparison and that is no easy task. Slow clap for 2008′s Mother of the Year!

The pictures were taken on December 30th when they were leaving Cipriani in London. SEE JUDGE? Lindsay said she was going to stay in for New Years Eve (she didn’t) and get her life straight in 2013 (she won’t), so technically, you and the rest of us should be okay with this (we aren’t)!

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Thousands Of One Direction Fans Are On Suicide Watch And It’s All That Slut Tramp Taylor Swift’s Fault!

January 2, 2013 / Posted by:

It was just a few New Year’s Eves ago when Taylor Swift was kissing her stuffed animal collection after a tea party rager in her life-size replica of Barbie’s Victorian dream house and now here she is kissing an actual boy in the middle of Times Square. Nellie Oleson’s long-lost slutty older sister dressed up like Bobby Trendy at a leather party to perform on Dick Clark’s Rockin’ Eve and afterwards she took her latest victim Harry Styles to the middle of Times Square and sucked on his face. All those times Taylor practiced kissing stuff with her own hand finally paid off!

But as Taylor sucked on Harry so hard that his bulging eyeballs nearly shot into the middle of his head, thousands of One Direction fans used the plastic spatula from their gender-neutral Easy Bake Ovens to try to cut their hurt feelings out of their bodies. The video of that man-trap whore in Holly Hobbie’s body kissing on Harry Styles cut open the hearts of a thousand 1D shippers and they poured their blood all over Twitter and Tumblr. I spent a good chunk of last night reading all of the crazed Tumblr posts about this shit. I don’t know what’s more pathetic. Crazy girls threatening to cut themselves over Taylor kissing their curly-haired British prince or me, a grown adult (I haven’t had a skid mark in my chonies for at least 24 hours, so that means I am TOTALLY a grown adult, thankyouverymuch), reading their insane rants while slurping on coconut ice cream soup. The latter is definitely more pathetic. I don’t even know why I asked. Here’s just some of the insanity those crazies spewed out on Tumblr:

Dear Taylor,
I heard you’ve shared a kiss with Harry Styles and dating him as well. Well, congratulations. You just achieved what could probably be the most incredible thing every Harry girl dreamt of her whole life. You stole his heart and he stole yours, don’t waste it. Imagine how many Harry girls would want to be in your position right now. He’d rather spend time with you than tweet us. Please don’t break his heart and have inspiration to write another song. I’ve always looked up to you growing up, but after finding out what most of your songs were about, it broke me and now Harry is your new boyfriend, please don’t treat him in a song of trash like the rest. Not only will it hurt me, it will hurt Harry girls because I am one. On the day you plan to break up, put in mind how many directioners will be broken just seeing one of the people they look up to is hurt. If you both decide to be forever, I’ll respect it. If you both get married, I’ll be there to spread a smile. If you get pregnant and have his child, I’ll learn to love him/her if that’s what Harry and you want. I’m speaking for all those directioners who’ve learned to love and respect the most bittersweet of things like this. My final words: love is fragile. Be careful not to break his heart because it will break me too.

Just watched the kiss video and omg I’m sobbing right now they kissed forever and then hugged forever and kept going back to hugging and he was rubbing her back and I’m pretty sure he said “it’s alright” because I think a fan shouted something mean and oh my god tears no I hate haylor no make it stop he actually likes her HE ACTUALLY LIKES HER

I just saw the video of the Haylor kiss on New Years and I actually broke down into tears.

taylor swift was wearing harry’s jacket bye im gonna go jump off a cliff

but but…can you imagine Louis waking up from his party last night and seeing that haylor kissing picture and he slowly slides down the wall and when he gets to the floor he curls up because not only is he losing his best friend he’s lost his love…and im lighting myself on fire

If you replaced “Taylor” with “Kelly Taylor,” “Harry” with “Dylan” and “Haylor” with “Dylly,” that’s pretty much what the rants I scribbled on lined paper looked like after that slut Kelly stole Dylan from Brenda.

But seriously, I really feel for those broken-hearted One Directioners, but I feel even more for the security guards and New York City policemen who had to stand in a sea of iPhones taking pictures of Taylor kissing her next #1 single. They did not graduate from the police academy for this shit.

Sofia Vergara’s Piece Got Thrown Out Of An NYE Party In Miami

January 2, 2013 / Posted by:

Latina buttocks activist Sofia Vergara’s boyfriend Nick Loeb was ixnayed from a Miami club early New Year’s Day after they got into some sort of physical altercation. There’s always one insane ass couple at the party bringing their bullshit to the club instead of to the therapist’s couch.

Page Six reports that Al Bundy’s wife from Modern Family was with her cokey sex addict at Miami club Story when he raged out because she was taking a photo with someone he didn’t know. “Pushing and shoving” ensued.

One witness told us, “Nick appeared to get really angry after Sofia took a picture with a stranger, and started screaming at her. Nick had to be pulled off Sofia by security. Her dress got torn in the melee. This happened right in front of everyone in the VIP section.

Apparently Ike didn’t like Tina up on someone else’s Instagram feed. Four security guards gave his bitch ass the bum’s rush out the back, and Sofia followed. Don’t eat the cake, Sofia. By the by, this dude once considered running for a Senate seat in Florida. He’s supposedly crazy rich, but no one’s sure what he does except he started a food-topping company called Onion Crunch. Suspect. Don’t end up being found dead in a vat of whatever the fuck Onion Crunch is, Sofia. The badonka donks of the world need their spokesass.

Well, that’s it for me! Huge thanks to that raunchy slut Michael K. for letting me hang out here again. I send kisses to the beautiful and talented Sweetas. Oh, and shameless plug – I post for Manhunt Daily on the regular. Come by and say hi! Warning – it’s a gay blog and there’s lots of dicks. But I’m guessing that’s not a problem for some of you. Happy New Year!

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A Photographer Was Killed Trying To Get A Pic Of Justin Bieber’s Ferrari

January 2, 2013 / Posted by:

And that stoned lesbian woodland creature wasn’t even in it. This is a shame. TMZ reports that a paparazzi photographer was struck by a car and killed yesterday while trying to get a shot of Justin Bieber’s white Ferrari after it was pulled over by the LAPD.

Bieber’s car was being driven by a friend of his and cops had pulled it over on Sepulveda Blvd. The so-far unnamed pap had been following the dickmobile in his own car, pulled up near them, and got out to get a shot. The officers involved had told him to move it along for safety reasons right before he was killed.

The owner of the car that struck the guy wasn’t on drugs or alcohol at the time.

I can’t think of a more depressing death. Google Images gives ya plenty of shots of that car, and him in it. Just use one of those. Same situation, different hat maybe. THE MINISCULE DOUCHE WASN’T EVEN IN THE CAR.

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