Well, we actually made it through 2012 without being shot into space where Tommy Girl and John Travolta would cackle at us while zipping off to Xenu’s home planet in their space pods (which look like this). We made it! Although, Kim Kardashian is knocked up with the Illuminati’s golden child, so I’m sure the rapture will swallow all of us in 6 months when she gives birth to a swarm of locusts and four fishsticks-eating horsemen. But in the meantime, let’s all toast to the beautiful things that 2012 gave us like Mama June’s stack of Pringles chins and her Forklift Foot. 2013 is totally going to be a breakout year for Mama June’s Forklift Foot!
And I’m going to spend my New Year’s Eve rounding up all the roosters on the island (Seriously, Kauai is the island of roosters and not a second goes by when one isn’t cock-a-doodle-doodling up my asshole. That sounded sexy, but it isn’t.) and slapping Honey Boo Boo glasses over their eyes before getting them drunk on bottom shelf rum, so they’ll be too hungover tomorrow to wake my ass up at 4:30 in the morning with their yodeling. That’s what my ass is going to do.
Happy New Year, everyone!