From The “Bitch, Please” Files: Anne Hathaway Thinks Her Performance In Les Miserable Was Just “Eh”

Anne Hathaway told us a million times over that she almost starved to death to play Fantine and her marriage almost ended during filming and if she doesn’t win the Oscar for it, a litter of kittens will meet their maker. Anne Hathaway has jammed it deep down our throats that she deserves to win that Oscar and she’s said everything she can to embed this into our brains, but now she’s trying some reverse psychology shit. Anne, who already said that her performance in Les Miserables made her cry, tells The Los Angeles Times that her version of “I Dreamed A Dream” is about as exciting as giving a handjob to a soft peen. Anne told her director Tom Hooper that she wanted to do at least 12 takes of the song. After the 4th take, Tom told Anne that she did it perfectly, but she still wanted to go for more.

Hathaway insisted Hooper let her perform over a dozen takes of “I Dreamed a Dream,” even after he said he’d gotten the perfect performance on Take 4. She wanted to see if she could make it any different, any better, any more — “any anything.” But after she’d given 20 more takes, Hooper told her to call it quits.

“And I was like, ‘Fair enough.’ I never bettered it,” she explained.

Asked if she is pleased with the version that appears in the final cut, she shrugged half-heartedly.

“Eh.”

Because I’m in Kauai right now and have been told that the one movie theater here reeks of musty ass and the popcorn taste like it was popped with taint grease (“Then you should be ordering that shit by the gallons, Michael K.” – you “Good point.” – me), I haven’t seen Les Miserables yet , but I feel like I don’t have to now. Anne Hathaway has talked about it so damn much and jacked herself off non-stop for the past few weeks that I feel like I can say with confidence that it’s the greatest performance ever given by an actress. God gave us the sense of hearing and sight just so we can take in the masterpiece performance that Anne Hathaway gives. Burn down every museum and torch every movie ever made, because Anne Hathaway’s performance is the only piece of art that modern civilization needs.

And if she doesn’t win the Oscar, the earth will implode from all of us HAHAHAHA-ing at the top of our lungs.