Well, we actually made it through 2012 without being shot into space where Tommy Girl and John Travolta would cackle at us while zipping off to Xenu’s home planet in their space pods (which look like this). We made it! Although, Kim Kardashian is knocked up with the Illuminati’s golden child, so I’m sure the rapture will swallow all of us in 6 months when she gives birth to a swarm of locusts and four fishsticks-eating horsemen. But in the meantime, let’s all toast to the beautiful things that 2012 gave us like Mama June’s stack of Pringles chins and her Forklift Foot. 2013 is totally going to be a breakout year for Mama June’s Forklift Foot!
And I’m going to spend my New Year’s Eve rounding up all the roosters on the island (Seriously, Kauai is the island of roosters and not a second goes by when one isn’t cock-a-doodle-doodling up my asshole. That sounded sexy, but it isn’t.) and slapping Honey Boo Boo glasses over their eyes before getting them drunk on bottom shelf rum, so they’ll be too hungover tomorrow to wake my ass up at 4:30 in the morning with their yodeling. That’s what my ass is going to do.
Happy New Year, everyone!
Yes, we all knew this was coming. Brace yourselves for POST after POST about the love child of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West from this and every other blog for the foreseeable future. Excuse me for a second, I have a serious case of the barfs for some reason. Hold it down girlfriend, you don’t want to waste delicious booze on this trash. Swallow HARD, breathe, and… As Michael K told us all early this morning, Kanye told the world that yes the Antichrist baking in
Hell Kim’s oven. In the video above you can see Kanye announcing their joy and our pain to the world.
TMZ says that the announcement came as a complete surprise to Kim, who thought they had planned to keep it a secret until she started showing, and she cried tears of joy as she sat in the audience with
Satan her mom, her BFF, and several of Kanye’s family members. I read that as “Kim cried angry tears that Kanye and his big fat mouth just cost her a huge check from E! for the announcement” and smiled. See? Every cloud has a silver lining, no matter how dark and foreboding.
Kim’s official statement about it is on Celebitchy. She said:
It’s true!! Kanye and I are expecting a baby. We feel so blessed and lucky and wish that in addition to both of our families, his mom and my dad could be here to celebrate this special time with us. Looking forward to great new beginnings in 2013 and to starting a family. Happy New Year!!! Xo
Um Kim, before that new beginning you may want to do an ending, like I don’t know, maybe getting a divorce from your current husband Kris what’s-his-name. Just saying. But that wouldn’t be tacky as fuck, so yeah let’s not expect too much.
TMZ also reports that Kim is getting PAID 6 figures (dontpuke dontpuke dontpuke) to show up for the New Year’s Eve bash at 1 Oak on the Las Vegas strip tonight and she’s not going to let a little case of the babies stand in her way of getting that cash. As much as I would love to go all Judge Judy and slam a gavel down on her face for partaking in the sweet nectar with a brat in her belly, she’s never been known as a drinker so that’s probably not an issue. Can I hammer her anyway, please?? Just once. So anyway, for all of you planning to attend the festivities at 1 Oak tonight, get your seat early since Kim’s double wide trailer ass will take about 100 of them once she shows up.
We all know that Lindsay Lohan has no shame, no pride, and not one fuck to give (LIES!!! – Lindsay’s johns). We were all wondering why her broke ass stowed away on a plane to London as Jay Harvey reported yesterday (no we weren’t, but just go with it). So it’s no surprise that even after Max George from the Wanted called her a groupie, and even though she said her ass was staying home and baking cookies for New Year’s Eve, Crushable says they can guess why: to continue following the band around like a mangy kitchen ass fur wearing puppy dog. LiLo, the Unwanted. No, I’m sure she’s in London to entertain the royals at their request. HAHAAHAHA I crack myself up.
So much for impressing the judge in her probation violation case or club slap down case or whichever charge she’s facing this time by NOT partying like a rock star. Well, I guess the Wanted aren’t real rock stars, so it doesn’t count. She’s just partying like a blip on the music screen, so it’s okay. Plus, she consulted her Magic 8 Ball, asked it if Max really loved her, and it responded “HELL NO” so she took that as a maybe. Then she smoked it.
Jennifer Lawrence (or “JLaw” as a friend calls her, indicating we really are that lazy as a species) had always impressed me as a sensible girl and a fairly talented actress. She was hot as the redneck meth-family girl getting her ass beat by mountain hags in Winter’s Bone. And she wisely didn’t try to upstage Effie Trinket or Woody Harrleson’s demure yet devastating wig in Hunger Games. But then she went and told Marie Claire South Africa (via Radar) that she’s a big fan of Keeping Up With The Kardashians and Dance Moms. That’s unfortunate.
Ms. Lawrence serves up that typical Hollywood starlet interview where she claims to be a stay-at-home mom and not one of those Lohan types who’s always doing the reverse cowgirl on a bottle of Svedka. She loves to be home on a her couch, watching horrific TV guaranteed to drive any thinking person to put a gun in their mouth. Basically she likes all the shows I do except for Kunty Kim & Fam. Even this guttersnipe can find a standard or two in her overnight bag.
“After it’s 11, I’m like, ‘Don’t these kids ever get tired?’ When I’m out, I think about my couch. Like, ‘It would be awesome to be on it right now. I bet there’s an episode of Dance Moms on. Am I missing a new episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians? “I’m just stressed by the idea of missing them. Reality TV is my silver lining,” she jokes. “At the end of the day there’s probably nothing that makes me feel better than junk food and reality TV.”
I admire her stamina. And I don’t mean stamnia in regards to having to wear a chafy bodysuit while squatting on a beach and devouring crustacean. I mean enduring Abby Lee’s repugnant ass forcing children into routines that would totally work at the Crazy Horse in Paris.
Check out more pics of Jennifer Lawrence on the set of the next “Hunger Games” flick in the gallery.
Victoria Silvstedt is not only a gold digging goddess of pristine elegance, but she’s a connoisseur of fine literature too – Hollywood Tuna
Sydney is now fresh out of blonde models, because Leonardo DiCatchAHo ordered all of them for the yacht party he threw with Jonah Hill – Lainey Gossip
The 2012 In 4 Minutes video made my eyes have a seizure and now sketti sauce is leaking from my sockets – Towleroad
Rita Whora is in Dubai, celebrating the fact that she’s no longer riding Rob Kardashian’s whack dick and therefore doesn’t have to listen to Kim Kardashian constantly barf at the mouth about her Kimye fetus – Drunken Stepfather
Megan Fox isn’t working out her body yet, but she’s seriously working out her mouth by running it every time someone sticks a recording device in front of her – ICYDK
You won’t see ScarJo with beyond massive pregnant chichis anytime soon – Celebitchy
I think I’d rather see Papa Joe Simpson in that same bikini – Popoholic
Jill Martin is in a bikini if that’s what you need to see today – IDLYITW
There’s other fish in the sea and Poseidon’s son will fuck them all now that he’s single – Just Jared
That hair and those acid wash jeans tell me that Tacky Pataky needs less Miley in her life – Popsugar
Trace Cyrus figures that if The Hoff can become the toast of Germany, so can he and he’s starting by entertaining the masses in the subway – OMG Blog
Even Lady CaCa knows that her crazed Little Monsters need massive amounts of therapy – I’m Not Obsessed
When Xtina stole Raven’s wig and smuggled a fully stocked booze and baked potato bar into the AMAs – The Superficial
This is like Richard Gere’s version of Playboy – Cityrag
Why oh why didn’t those glasses malfunction and combust when they had the chance? – Hollywood Rag
New Year’s Eve started early in Cabo San Lucas! Here’s a pic that Stacy Kiebler tweeted of Michael Phelps and herself playing a friendly little game of beer pong with the message “Dominating. #TeamBaltimore #geometry m_phelps00 #goodtimes.”
Gossip Cop says half of Hollywood is in Cabo right now, including George “I came for the Phelps” Clooney, Jennifer Aniston, Justin Theroux, Jimmy Kimmel, Emily Blunt and Molly McNearney. But none of them know how to party like a frat boy like these two. I guess the multi-talented Phelps can swim AND drink like a fish!! That is truly bringing home the gold. And you know Stacy’s ass can put away some booze, like she does every night while she writes “Mrs. Stacy Clooney” over and over in fancy script on tear stained paper.
My question is, how long did it take Phelps to figure out that Stacey had asked him to play “pong” and not “bong”?? I wonder how many times he tried to light his beer. “This shit is too wet, and where the hell is the carb??” -Phelps.
Happy New Year! I say we all do like Stacy and Michael and start getting our drunk on NOW.
She’s really bringing that direct-to-dvd Disney villainess thing to life, huh? Adam Lambert saw Miserable Lesbians, was dismayed by the singing, and sauntered onto Twitter to let them have it, hunty. Fuck, this blog is starting to become DLesMized. Blame her.
‘Les Mis: Visually impressive w great Emotional performances. But the score suffered massively with great actors PRETENDING to be singers. It’s an opera. Hollywoods movie musicals treat the singing as the last priority. (Dreamgirls was good).’
Wise choice not coming for Beyonce. She would simply whisper into Blue Ivy’s ear, BIC’s eyes would turn pure white, and all of Lambert’s M.A.C. products would spontaneously combust.
Lambert went on to say that he thought Anne Hathaway was great, though. Sweet Jesus, do NOT give that bitch any more lube.
“One more clarification: DO go see it for Anne Hathaways performance. It’s was breathtaking.”
It’s heartening to find someone else whose grammar is worse than mine. Not by much. This bitch is pressed because he wanted to play the emaciated French hooker. He had a whole glittery ragamuffin costume made for the audition, and a daring makeup scheme devised complete with a “starvation” smokey eye. Gritty but still glamorous. Then he found out he’d have to shave his head. Ain’t nobody touchin’ Miz Adam’s mop.
The only exposure I’ve actually had to Adam Lambert performing was this rendition of Johnny Cash’s “Ring of Fire” when he was on Idol. Girl, he made it into a sultry Middle Eastern-themed gay bar torch song about looking for a Q-tip to soothe his inflamed-with-passion asshole. It sounds like it would have added some much needed flair to Les Miz, so it’s a shame they didn’t go with a “real” singer.
Here’s Lynx the kitten teaching all of us a very important lesson: When there’s a bowl of lasagna soup (or whatever the hell that is) on the table across from you and you’ve got the drunks so bad that you keep falling while trying to get to it, keep going after it. You may fall a thousand times, but you’ll get it sooner or later. This is basically going to be all of us at around 12:02 tomorrow morning. Happy New Year!
Anne Hathaway told us a million times over that she almost starved to death to play Fantine and her marriage almost ended during filming and if she doesn’t win the Oscar for it, a litter of kittens will meet their maker. Anne Hathaway has jammed it deep down our throats that she deserves to win that Oscar and she’s said everything she can to embed this into our brains, but now she’s trying some reverse psychology shit. Anne, who already said that her performance in Les Miserables made her cry, tells The Los Angeles Times that her version of “I Dreamed A Dream” is about as exciting as giving a handjob to a soft peen. Anne told her director Tom Hooper that she wanted to do at least 12 takes of the song. After the 4th take, Tom told Anne that she did it perfectly, but she still wanted to go for more.
Hathaway insisted Hooper let her perform over a dozen takes of “I Dreamed a Dream,” even after he said he’d gotten the perfect performance on Take 4. She wanted to see if she could make it any different, any better, any more — “any anything.” But after she’d given 20 more takes, Hooper told her to call it quits.
“And I was like, ‘Fair enough.’ I never bettered it,” she explained.
Asked if she is pleased with the version that appears in the final cut, she shrugged half-heartedly.
Because I’m in Kauai right now and have been told that the one movie theater here reeks of musty ass and the popcorn taste like it was popped with taint grease (“Then you should be ordering that shit by the gallons, Michael K.” – you “Good point.” – me), I haven’t seen Les Miserables yet , but I feel like I don’t have to now. Anne Hathaway has talked about it so damn much and jacked herself off non-stop for the past few weeks that I feel like I can say with confidence that it’s the greatest performance ever given by an actress. God gave us the sense of hearing and sight just so we can take in the masterpiece performance that Anne Hathaway gives. Burn down every museum and torch every movie ever made, because Anne Hathaway’s performance is the only piece of art that modern civilization needs.
And if she doesn’t win the Oscar, the earth will implode from all of us HAHAHAHA-ing at the top of our lungs.
During her last pregnancy, Jessica Simpson broke every copy of Elle’s Photoshop when she posed nekkid ass nekkid and talked non-stop about how she couldn’t get enough of Eric Johnson sticking his gold digging peen up into her amniotic fluid ocean. And now we’re doing it all over again. Chestica tweeted this picture of her making third degree duckface while showing off the skin globe where her second baby is growing. Since Jessica and Eric are horniest when she’s knocked up, I don’t even want to think of the things they’re doing with her deep ass belly button. Let’s not go to that place. It’s way too late in the year for that shit.
And judging by her last pregnancy, I’m guessing she’s about 10 days knocked up here. Only 545 days to go!