Daily Archives: December 29, 2012

Katt Williams Is The Gift That Keeps Giving And Giving And Giving And Giving…

December 29, 2012 / Posted by:

LieLow better step up her fuck-up game, because Katt Williams is after her battered and bruised trophy. Just hours after he was released from jail for child endangerment charges, Katt hopped right back on the crazy train, hooked up with his manager Suge Knight and got his Keebler elf ass in a massive bar brawl. YES!!! THIS is how you celebrate the holidays RIGHT, bitches!

Actually, from the ass kicking video (a must see, along with his Target meltdown) you can see that Suge was the one who was throwing fists while Katt ran his ass behind a dumpster, as runt alley Katts are inclined to do when protecting the few lives they have left. Then Katt jumped in Suge’s SUV and Suge tried to mow down a parking lot full of people.

In yet another TMZ video, a guy is claiming that the SUV DID run him over and he wants Katt to pay for all his medical shit because his sawed off ass is the one who started the whole thing. The guy limped up to the reporters and said:

“Katt Williams is a punk. You talk shit and run? You a punk .. You taking all that shit, and you talk about you all that, and you run? Because of you, I got hit by the car!”

What a fucking mess. Hanging with Suge though, surely Katt didn’t expect to spend a lovely relaxing evening playing chess by the crackling fireplace while sipping Dom with his pinky extended. Dude doesn’t exactly have a reputation for keeping things calm and sophisticated.

TMZ (thanks TMZ for the one-stop shopping) also has video and a write-up from last night where a fresh out of the pokey Katt explains that his guns were on lock down and the illegal drug the cops are smoking in the evidence room as we speak was just weed, and not the hard shit. Um, okay Katt. Weed makes you too lazy to slap and run over tricks, you just want to eat them instead. But I guess we’ll take your word for it.

I don’t know why I wasted my Christmas bonus on toys for my kids when I could have just gotten them a Katt instead. He’s pocket sized and endlessly entertaining. Perfect. Thank you Katt, for making us all feel better about our lives and giving me something to write about besides Christina Hendricks’s hair. I hope you get your shit together, but I still have love for you.

Straight Actor Grossed Out By The Thought Of Playing Gay Guys

December 29, 2012 / Posted by:

Actor and columnist Nicholas Brown wrote a piece for The Atlantic about how he auditioned for a role in an AIDS PSA and got skeeved about having to play a homo.

The Atlantic (via Queerty):

I am not gay. I have no shortage of gay friends. My uncle is gay. I’ve marched in a gay pride parade. More than half of the roommates I have lived with are gay. I support marriage equality.

So it comes as a shock to me when I realize that, actually, if I am honest with myself, I’m not comfortable with kissing another man on camera. I really don’t want to book this part.

I don’t want people to think I’m gay. And I’m even more uncomfortable because that isn’t a thought that I want to have.

Oh, the violins. My people thank you.

I, at least, am sorry. You don’t have to believe in a Judeo-Christian god to find something redeeming in confession. I am sorry that I balked at the idea of pretending to be gay. I am sorry that my uncle went home alone all those years. I am sorry for the whole ugly human history of slights and hate crimes and exclusion.

Easy there, Matyr Mike. Can someone collect my eyeballs because they’ve rolled right the fuck out of their sockets. Do you have any idea how quickly I’d move away from this bitch at a party? I’d rather go to a Fred Phelps rally. At least those inbreds are honest about it.

That’s fine that you’re freaked out about being typecast as gay or women thinking you’re a rough rider in real life. Legit fears, I guess. But this is a dumb bitch because everyone in Hollywood is gay, right? Don’t gays run the entertainment industry? THere wouldn’t be one without the cock fans. Nick here just posted the acting hopeful equivalent of telling a prospective employer on a job interview that you have a tendency to openly masturbate in the printer room. You’re going to get stuck doing commercials for Christian Mingle and thats going to be it. Oh, who am I kidding. Everyone’s gay over there, too.

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Another Baby For Matthew McConaughey And Camila Alves (UPDATE)

December 29, 2012 / Posted by:

It was a bittersweet day for Matthew McConaughey on Friday. It was sweet, because his wife Camila Alves birthed out their third kid together. It was bitter, because he couldn’t pass around pink or blue joints since he’s only nibbling on leaves and drinking cups of cold air to play Ron Woodruff. Matthew busted out a smiley face while making his baby samba out of Camila’s cooch by playing her baby bump like a bongo drum, but then he quickly busted out a frowny face when he realized that he can’t take a congratulatory puff from his favorite bong.

The Texas T-Rex hasn’t said anything about his third kid on Twitter, yet, but sources tell People that Camila gave birth in Austin, TX on Friday. People’s source needs to be a better source, because they don’t know if Camila had a boy or a girl and they don’t know the kid’s name. Useless source!

Matthew and Camila’s 3-year-old daughter is named Vida and their 4-year-old son is named Levi, so I hope they did the right thing by naming their new kid Loca. If you put a little chili on your tongue and say the names Levi, Vida and Loca really fast, it sort of sounds like Livin’ La Vida Loca!

UPDATE: Matthew and Camila had a boy and they didn’t name his ass Loca. If Matthew didn’t temporarily break up with his bong to starve his way to an Oscar, he totally would’ve named him Loca. They named him Livingston instead. BOO!

Phantom Of WTF

December 29, 2012 / Posted by:

Well, at least Kim Kartrashian isn’t the only one who Kanye covers in thirty layers of fuckery. Kanye does it to himself too. During his show at Revel in Atlantic City last night, Kanye West wore two Maison Martin Margiela masks: a rhinestone one that made him look like Liberace as a dom top and a feather one that made him look like Yeti sperm. I’m guessing that Khloe Kardashian wasn’t in the audience, because if she was, she would’ve charged the stage, tackled Kanye took the ground, sunk her teeth into the back of his neck and dragged him up into her lair in the hills to mate with him while the other Yetis howled around them.

Kanye’s rhinestone mask IS the look, but that feather mask is very “owl with a mullet wearing its communion suit” or “preacher eagle.” Below is a clip from Rolling Stone of Kanye performing while looking like a bunch of doves crashed into his face (homage to Fabio?) . Why isn’t anybody in the audience throwing bird seed at Kanye’s ass?

This is what it looks like when doves cum all over Kanye’s face. But seriously, I need to stop the hate. Seeing Kanye with a face full of feathers and a face full of rhinestones is much better than seeing Kanye’s bare face. So what I’m saying is that bitch has never looked hotter.

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Anne Hathaway’s “Les Miz” Director Begged Her To Stop Losing Weight

December 29, 2012 / Posted by:

A couple of years back, actress Melissa Leo was GUNNING for that Oscar for her performance in The Fighter. Real talk – she deserved it because she completely brought to life a scary beehived bitch from Lowell (I live in Massachusetts and I’ve known a few). But she got super cheesy in pursuing the gold-plated acting dildo. She took out full page ads in the trades inexplicably featuring herself in a polar bear skin by a pool (elegant?) and another one of her bending forward in an evening dress showing cleavage (sensual?) and they read simply “CONSIDER”. It was a little bizarre, kinda hammy,and way desperate. And now whenever Anne Hathaway does an interview about her hunger strike for Miserable Lesbians, all I can picture is a big “CONSIDER” floating over her shorn head in blinking lights.

Your mom, that last bill collector you had to speak to because you forget to use a foreign accent and say “wrong numbah”, and every gay you know have already marveled at you about Anne Hathaway dropping 25 lbs. to play a dying French hooker so she can snatch an Oscar. US (via the Los Angeles Times) notes that her director Tom Hooper felt that Anne subsisting on little more than oatmeal bark and insane ambition for her role was a little much.

“Tom didn’t like what I was doing, but he understood why I was doing it,” the actress counters. “No one liked what I was doing. By the end, people were hugging me, and they would get emotional because I felt so frail.”

They were emotional because they didn’t want you to die in front of them, tragic heroine! Hunger hasn’t made the smart (formerly) fat girl any less modest.

“I see the sort of work that people like Meryl Streep and Cate Blanchett and Kate Winslet can do, and I want to do that level of work so badly,” she tells the L.A. Times of those Oscar winners. “But I don’t believe I’m as gifted as them. So the only thing I can control is how hard I work at it — how much do I commit to it? How far will I take it?”

Let’s make going anorexic the finish line, Anne. What’s after that? Giving yourself cancer? Committing suicide at the end of a shoot? The Academy better “CONSIDER” Anne because I fear for the seats around her if they announce another gal’s name. Charlize Theron is lucky she shaved her dome if she’s seated near this crazy that night. Because Anne is gonna be snatching weaves and bath salt bitin’ faces if she doesn’t win this shit.

Check out more pics of Anne Hathaway post-shopping with her husband Adam Shulman in the gallery.

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Katt Nipped

December 29, 2012 / Posted by:

Katt Williams, aka the lesser Flava Flav, is back in the news and no, not for his stand-up comedy act. He was arrested yesterday morning for endangering his CHIRRUNS by decorating their home with guns and illegal drugs for the holiday season instead of boring ass wreaths and candy canes. How festive, why didn’t I think of that? TMZ says the LAPD picked Katt up out of the litter box at his home in Woodland hills, threw him in a cold cell, and put his four kids in protective custody. They also say that “several items were seized from his home”. On an unrelated note, the LAPD is throwing a rave tonight, don’t miss it!

HUH. WHO. COULD. HAVE. GUESSED that this guy was doing illegal drugs?? I thought he just had a thing for flexing his Napoleon complex by slapping every ho (example 1, 2 and 3) who wouldn’t slap back for absolutely no reason. You learn something new! Sweet, now I can take “Gacked Out Unstable Midgets With Anger Management Issues” for $100.00, Alex.

He’s being held on $100,000.00 bond for (possible felony) child endangerment and since the IRS has also taped a lien on his forehead (his ass is too low to reach) for $4 million, I’m guessing he might be having a little trouble coming up with the cash. Little angry man, please. Just smoke some weed with Snoop, which is not a felony in Cali btw, stay away from the hard shit, take yourself down another notch (to the basement), CALM THE FUCK DOWN and take care of your kids. Your short stack ass is actually funny, don’t waste your talent on stupid shit.

Too bad Cops has been cancelled. I really would have loved to see him jumping up to bitch slap at an officer’s crotch.

Hot Sluts Of The Day!

December 29, 2012 / Posted by:

The Chicklets from Punky Brewster

The 80s threw these hot bitches up and thank God for it. The Chicklets were a VERY cool and exclusive club that decided to let Punky and Cherie in as members so they could all do drugs in Punky’s jacked up treehouse. And talk about drugs! One of the greatest scenes in TV history occurs when the head Chicklet whips out her stash and bitch has joints, pills AND a vial of crack! I think there’s some Benadryl in there. Unfortunately we don’t get to see anyone get high and fall out of the treehouse, but this is THE textbook “very special episode” about drugs. It speaks for itself.

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Birthday Sluts

December 29, 2012 / Posted by:

Jude Law (40)
Jane Levy (23)
Alexa Ray Joel (27)
Jessica Andrews (29)
Alison Brie (30)
Diego Luna (33)
La Toya London (34)
Katherine Moennig (35)
Danny McBride (36)
Mekhi Phifer (38)
Leonor Varela (40)
Jennifer Ehle (43)
Evan Seinfeld (45)
Andy Wachowski (45)
Paula Poundstone (53)
Patricia Clarkson (53)
Yvonne Elliman (61)
Ted Danson (65)
Marianne Faithfull (66)
Jon Voight (74)
Mary Tyler Moore (76)
Inga Swenson (80)

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