Pretentious Food You Can't Afford, Take 2
Well, look who's dropping a deuce new cook book on April 2nd! It should be on April 1st since you would have to be an April Fool to buy this shit. It's Goopy McPoopy, aka Gwyneth Paltrow, once again hammering us commoners in the head with the fact that we'll never be as good, beautiful, or fabulous as she is. In her new book called It's All Good, or formally It's All Good: Delicious, Easy Recipes That Will Make You Look Good and Feel Great (but not as great as me, ever, fucking plebes), Gwyneth condescends to give her recipes for things like Hummus Tartine with Scallion-Mint Pesto, Salmon Burgers with Pickled Ginger, and Freshly Clubbed Antarctic Baby Seal with Roasted Organic White Truffle and Crushed Blood Diamond Sauce. Maybe I made that last one up.
None of that shit sounds easy to me, so this has me thinking that I should come out with my own cookbook. Something like A Lazy Hor's Guide To The Kitchen, featuring recipes for Beefaroni, Hamburger Helper, Easy Mac, Microwave TV Dinners and Pizza Hut. Step 1: open can. Step 2: heat and eat! Bonus: my recipes won't leave you terrified to step away from the toilet for hours on end (in fact they often have the opposite effect), and even my broke ass can afford it. You're welcome!
You can read more about her book on Amazon and how these recipes are a product of some sadistic ass doctor's recommendation that she go on an elimination diet featuring no coffee, no alcohol, no sugar...okay, just stop right there. I thought this food was supposed to make me feel GOOD, not depressed.
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Submitted by CodeRed on Fri, 12/28/2012 - 8:33pm.
I was done in 2006 when they made Karrine Steffens:Diary of a Video Vixen (or some shit like that) a best seller. The bitch culdn't hardly remembe shit and it was he life she was writing about.
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Cure for cramps: weed. Weed for everything, really.- Bjork You
What the fuck happened to her face??
And the loon tards over at JJ are saying Paltrow is trying to steal Angelina's thunder! Seriously? What thunder would that be....
We can give her credit for turning her eating disorder and neurotic obsession with food into money.
Anyone watch Next Iron Chef? I watched every show and 1) you knew it had to be a woman and 2) Alex Guarnascelli (or whatever) always seemed to have maximum camera time. Out of all the women, the spiky haired last year runner up Elizabeth Faulkner was the best but replacing an open lesbian Iron Chef (Cat Cora) with an open lesbian Iron Chef (Faulkner) would maybe have been a problem.
On Topic: she never would have won.
Wait, I just looked and saw the title of the book.
"It's all Good".
Slap her, please.
If it's harder than "late night bacon" to cook, I'm not interested.
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I see they have eliminated the pork loin with the lime jello-
Patrick Bateman. That's all.
I'd say I'm surprised by this but the truth is I heard it in a song while I was sleeping upside down in my daughter's closet.- Dog
Ever met someone who went to Spence? Fishsticks did. Enough said.
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www.theanimalrescuesite.com
www.modestneeds.org
Submitted by Uncle Brain-fart: "She will always look like this to me:
http://polpix.sueddeutsche.com/bild/1.1554193.1355847641/860x860/pippi-l..."
Made me LOL
Submitted by johnnysgirl: "...what I don't get is how she figures she's an authority on anything....she's so desperate for attention and validation that she's trying to be THE VERY BEST at everything else - shopping, eating, cooking, pooping...Kinda sad and demented."
TOtally agree with your assessment.
Also what Whatever said: People with money think they're experts. MOST of the people with money I can think of owe it to luck or crime.
She will always look like this to me:
http://polpix.sueddeutsche.com/bild/1.1554193.1355847641/860x860/pippi-l...
What's up with it's right shoulder?
phrnt phrnt
I wish she would just fuck off. I can't stand to even look at her. I wonder if this book comes with a free coffee enema.
Submitted by AlexDSSF on Fri, 12/28/2012 - 9:47pm.
Calling Gwyneth Paltrow a cunt would be an insult... to actual cunts.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^THIS
ROFLMAO!
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www.charitywater.org
www.theanimalrescuesite.com
www.modestneeds.org
Ok poopy then why does your hair still looks like SHIT???!!!
Coma Caca!
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Calling Gwyneth Paltrow a cunt would be an insult... to actual cunts. I just can't with this woman. Ina Garten is less pretentious than Gwyneth, and she lives in the motherfucking HAMPTONS! Why can't we just put Gwyneth and BFF/fellow pretenciosa Beyonce on a rocket ship headed for the sun or summat?
Its so awkward when Gwyneth tries to act like she's your homegirl. Just be snooty.
wow she is one homely ass chick...all that cleansing and suanas and this is what you get...let me keep eating my cheezburgers...
Why not make a recipe book using ingredients the average American has access to? I don't know anyone that has organic, highly refined and pricey ingredients just lying around.
Oh and this wasn't a racist comment, so fuck off, bambam.
She looks like Alfred E. Neuman, sans gap.
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"I am not doing your fucking maneuvers."-Croc
"Once you go cat, you'll never go back"- Mrs.K "We wanted diamonds, sherbet, or a squirrel with a gun."-Izzard ♥♥ If you don't talk to your cat about catnip, who will? ♥♥
NYT best seller has lost its validity. They'll stamp that on any goddamn book or author. In fact, I'm boycotting all ''New York Times Best Selling'' books. Guaranteed crap. Over rated commercial stamp of ''noteworthy'' approval.
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And just so all you Jenaloonies and Brangeloonies know I would read JA's biography if I found it at the dollar store, too. (...) - Submitted by PrettyHateMachine on Thu, 12/27/2012 - 1:09am.
Submitted by fauve on Fri, 12/28/2012 - 7:17pm.
I don't buy this purer-than-thou crap for a moment. Anyone who allegedly eats so cleanly would not need, or feel the need, to be on a perpetual detox and "cleanse." In reality, she's likely so protein- and fat-deficient that she craves and secretly gorges on fast food and then throws it all up. Then feels guilty and dirty inside and shoves a hose up her colon as penance.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
this
Goopy McPoopy, that's awesome!!!! I totally LOL'ed!!!
"The U.S.-Mexican border es una herida abierta where the Third World grates against the First and bleeds."
-Gloria Anzaldúa
Her hair looks like that because 3 minutes before this picture was taken, she was straddled over those firm, biodynamic, vitamin-rich-topsoil-still-clinging-to-their-dewy-skins cucumbers and zucchini and screaming Chris' name. Just like any other night of the week at Chez Goop, while he's out boning prettier girls.
I don't buy this purer-than-thou crap for a moment. Anyone who allegedly eats so cleanly would not need, or feel the need, to be on a perpetual detox and "cleanse." In reality, she's likely so protein- and fat-deficient that she craves and secretly gorges on fast food and then throws it all up. Then feels guilty and dirty inside and shoves a hose up her colon as penance.
Given the volatile emissions spewing from both ends of this pretentious twatwaffle, her gold-plated, hand-hammered toilets could write a tell-all (as told to the downstairs maids), and then she'd have her name attached to a real bestseller.
Best selling author? When you have enough money you can be anything you want. Kind of sad.
This pic of Gwynnie was taken two years ago:
http://www.dlisted.com/files/imagecache/photo-preview/files/galleries/sp...
I do believe this book cover is a recent photo, only because it's obvious the Goopster is no stranger to the needle/knife/laser/whatever.
On the Barnes&Noble site, the book synopsis says this:
**Last spring, after a particularly grueling schedule and lapse of overindulgence, Gwyneth Paltrow was feeling fatigued and faint. A visit to her doctor revealed that she was anemic, vitamin D deficient, and that her stress levels were sky high. He prescribed an elimination diet to clear out her system and help her body heal. But this meant no coffee, no alcohol, no dairy, no eggs, no sugar, no shellfish, no deep-water fish, no wheat, no meat, no soy, nothing processed at all!**
What the fuck kind of doctor tell an underweight, malnourished woman to not eat anything? More like, eat a burger bitch, right? Feeling fatigued and faint? EAT SOMETHING CUNT! Also, isn't the doctor getting really specific? Deep-water fish? No way her doctor said that. She's inventing excuses for disordered eating patterns.
God, between the post and subsequent comments, I am dying over here. This is the D at its best.
And Gynnie, no one wants to eat your macrobiotic crap. Gah. She is too fake to even be considered pretentious.
Every time a celubtard comes out with a product, I can't help but question their actual input into making it. I really am jealous in the end.
Like Britney Spears or Paris Hilton in the lab mixing up their perfume. No.
Any number of sports dumbasses creating that perfect shoe. They're okay though because they all end up bankrupt anyway.
Rob Kardashian knitting some incredible socks while getting Botoxed. Possibly.
I'm sure Gwen has already written a children's book like most other celebutards. Just write 200-300 words about some kid or creature who, in the end, discovers they're wonderfully unique just the way they are. Let someone else do the hard stuff like drawings and editing, put your stamp of approval and, voila, you're an author!
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"Oh you little bitch troll from hell!" -- Patsy Stone
Submitted by chinlee3 on Fri, 12/28/2012 - 3:54pm.
That's who it is! I was trying to figure out who she looked like. Color her hair red and identical twins!
There's something kind of psychopathic about her. I mean, I don't have a problem with peeople wanting to eat clean, or even eat fancy...what I don't get is how she figures she's an authority on anything. She has NO credentials. She didn't finish college. She's a mediocre actress (at best)...wait a minute, maybe that's it. Maybe she realizes deep down that her "acting career" is the result of nepotism, that she really hasn't mastered any craft in life, but she's so desperate for attention and validation that she's trying to be THE VERY BEST at everything else - shopping, eating, cooking, pooping...Kinda sad and demented.
I dunno. Christ she's annoying
Submitted by Dog on Fri, 12/28/2012 - 5:45pm.
Submitted by She She peritta on Fri, 12/28/2012 - 5:10pm.
I bet she doesn't give Chris Martin head because he's not local, and questionably organic.
^^^^^^^^^^
Unlike the rest of us who won't because he's so fucking ugly.
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Actually, semen would be organic, no? So that and water is probably the extent of her macrobiotic diet.
She is the way she is because of her parents/nannies/upbringing. I'm not defending her, because pretentious people make me ill, but, I'm sure there's a few million other rich twats out there besides her.
I agree she should have chosen a better picture for the cover, and I also agree that she's probably trying to appear down-to-earth and natural like the rest of us plebes. You know, the ones that would have fixed their hair and makeup for a cover shoot.
I liked her in Seven and Shakespeare in Love. I do not like her trying to sell her lifestyle to those of us that would rather not, or can't, spend $500 on a plastic tray.
Don't hate or like her, so meh.
Submitted by She She peritta on Fri, 12/28/2012 - 5:10pm.
I bet she doesn't give Chris Martin head because he's not local, and questionably organic.
^^^^^^^^^^
Unlike the rest of us who won't because he's so fucking ugly.
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www.charitywater.org
www.theanimalrescuesite.com
www.modestneeds.org
A) I'm glad MK has people fill in for him when he's off or we would have no new posts.
B) I think this pic was taken when she was around 32. There is NO way it's recent.
I bet she doesn't give Chris Martin head because he's not local, and questionably organic.
Bland and tasteless, just like Gwyneth.
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www.charitywater.org
www.theanimalrescuesite.com
www.modestneeds.org
Bitch you are not Ina Garten. Go sit down slut.
If my ass was going to be on the cover of a book, I would have at least worn some make-up and combed my hair.
"I am who I am. I can't pretend to be somebody who makes $25,000 a year. "-goopy
"I don't want to be rich and I don't want to be famous."- goopy
How about you go fuck yourself.
The world would cease without Goopy's scary brilliant advice. *eyeroll*
Submitted by ImpertinentVixen on Fri, 12/28/2012 - 4:15pm.
Do. It.
Imagonna get this book, make the recipes in it, then take a picture of what I shit out and send it to her and ask for her opinion.
Ima so gonna.
Whoever did her hair for this book cover obviously had other things than Gwyneth on their mind...
I hate her!!!! That picture has to be an old pic of her.
But the recipes sound good. At least she realized she cannot act.
I'm trying to think of anyone whiter, but my memory fails me...
Submitted by Gardening Girl on Fri, 12/28/2012 - 3:03pm.
And somewhere Whamo is fapping. Hope the sex police get him.
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The sun doth softly caress her face with the purity of an angel's tear.
*leaves bathroom with a piece of TP hanging out of fly*
JELLLY H8TRS!!!
Submitted by Romy on Fri, 12/28/2012 - 2:38pm.
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The fuck??? This comment forced me out of my commenting hiatus. Fuck you for being a sad hater-bitch and thank you Sweetas for taking time out of your life to fill in while MK takes a well deserved break. <3
What's up hor'z ... missed you guys =)
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"This is straight up fuckery."
His Holiness MK, 9/03/08
She looks like Alfred E. Newman.