Tom Cruise Grooming His Next Beard

All the queens over at In Touch must have been kiki-ing when they came up with that cover. That’s some funny shit. Tom Cruise supposedly had a “wild night” with a lady in NYC on Dec. 18. “A source” (aka one of those crazed Scientology bitches who wears the sailor uniforms and keeps reluctant cultists in chains below deck on their big prison boat) says that Tom was “mesmerized” by restaurant manager and Jersey native Cynthia Jorge, 26. Tom ate at her joint, and that’s when he randomly picked her to fake be into.

“She had her hair in a bun, wore tight black pants and looked gorgeous,” the source said. Tom wasn’t “mesmerized,” he was irritated as fuck because he knew his ass would look better in those tight black pants. Cruise and Cynthia went clubbing the next night, and Tom was supposedly rubbing his Xenu moistener on her. Uh huh. I don’t buy this shit, either.

Less than 24 hours later, the duo — along with some friends — met up at Le Baron, where Cynthia huddled with Tom in a booth when he wasn’t pulling her out on the dance floor. “They did the salsa. He took her in his arms and spun her around the dance floor,” a witness gushes. “Tom looked like a pro.”

And things weren’t totally G-rated. “At one point, they began grinding together,” the witness tells In Touch. “It was straight out of Dirty Dancing. Tom seemed to be in his own world, completely smitten.”

Miz Vida Boheme (aka Patrick Swayze) just threw a “girl, you no Johnny Castle” side-eye from Movie Star Heaven. We all realize that Tom was actually staring at the male bartender and wondering how not to vom as he felt Cynthia’s titters rub against his chest, right? You would think a “wild night” would involve taking a girl home for fuck times. Nope. Despite being highly “enamored” of the “Jersey Katie Holmes” (© Michael K.), Tom called her a car. And then sashayed down to the Eagle in a ballcap and sunglasses to get his man-kitty punched.

Seriously, this closet case shit must be hard. You gotta pick up random sluts and take them salsa dancing? When all you really want to do is sit on dicks? And then you have to process them through your cult and remove all of the free will wiring from their brains? And then you gotta keep checking the GPS to make sure they don’t run away? And at the same time, the only place you can have a dude sit on your face is in the Celebrity Center’s “gym?”And that place reeks like expired lube and crazy! Lay your burdens down, Tom Cruise.