Married People Don’t Act Like This

Normally when I see bitches making out in public, my lonely, bitter ass side eyes the shit out of them and mumbles “get a room” into my cheap light beer. But somehow these pics of Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi hugging each other up on the beach in St. Barts aren’t bothering me. They’re even kind of…romantic and cute? Ugh, slap me.

After the “I hate your ass” pictures of Kim and Kanye and the MEH shots of Jennifer and Justin over the past couple of days, it’s nice to see a couple looking like they actually have a damn to give about each other. Not you, Chris and Riri, sit your asses down. Look at them, lovingly holding hands and playing in the surf like a couple of kids. And now I’m off to barf my guts up from the sickening sweet shit I just wrote. I think the holiday spirit has wrecked my brains.

Wait. Gossip Cop (quoting the National Enquirer so you know it’s FACT) says that because of Ellen’s career, the couple is being driven apart. So, this is an obvious attempt by them to trick us all into believing that their love is twuuuuue and they’re not slap fighting as soon as the cameras of off. Ah, suspicion and contempt. That feels better.