Daily Archives: December 26, 2012

Millions Of Congressmen Are Crying

December 26, 2012 / Posted by:

Since President Obama has tapped John Kerry to be his Secretary Of State, there will be a vacant seat where a senator from Massachusetts used to sit. It was rumored that Ben Affleck was thinking of running for the spot, but he says there’s no truth to that shit.

According to the Huffington Post:

“I love Massachusetts and our political process, but I am not running for office,” he said. He vowed to continue his work with the Eastern Congo Initiative and with fighting hunger in the United States.

Allow me to translate. Ben knows that the people of Massachusetts remember Bennifer, and he had no chance of winning with that kind of poor ass decision making. WE’LL NEVER FORGET, BEN. Plus, Jennifer Garner told him no, spanked his ass, and sent him to his room.

Next Stop: Pink Wig

December 26, 2012 / Posted by:

Just when you thought Britney Spears had gotten her shit together (said no one, ever), Kevin Federline‘s brother Christopher drops this little bombshell on her recent behavior. According to him, she not only stole his credit card, but she’s a blackmailing SUCIA brother in law fucker to boot! Ah, the days of the pink wig and umbrella are not totally behind us. Nostalgia.

In this article from Radar Online, Christopher gives the juicy details to the Enquirer on why he had to file a restraining order against her ass on December 18th.

In the papers, Christopher says Britney recently “went to Kevin’s house to pick up Sean Preston and Jayden James, and [his] wallet was on Kevin’s coffee table when Britney opened it up and stole [his] Capital One credit card.”

Christopher claimed in court docs that when he followed up on the alleged theft — which accounted to more than $4,500 in charges — “Britney … laughed at me [and] told me my brother Kevin ruined her life. Britney made fun of me and told me I have a small penis.

So, let me get this straight. Gross, Britney has no taste in credit cards, hops on every available thing (pulse optional), and the best part: KFed’s bro has a $4500 limit (you know she maxed that shit out) AND a small one. I don’t know whether to feel sorry for him or point and laugh at his ass. Okay, I do know and so do you. HAHAHAHAHAHAA!!

Capital One…what’s NOT in your wallet anymore?

EDIT: My dumb ass forgot to say that Christopher claims to be Sean Preston‘s father!! DUN DUN DUUUUUUN *Home Alone face* This shit just keeps getting better and better!

UPDATE: Aw man, this lawsuit is bogus. I guess we will all have to put our Crazy Britney shrines back into storage.

Tom Cruise Grooming His Next Beard

December 26, 2012 / Posted by:

All the queens over at In Touch must have been kiki-ing when they came up with that cover. That’s some funny shit. Tom Cruise supposedly had a “wild night” with a lady in NYC on Dec. 18. “A source” (aka one of those crazed Scientology bitches who wears the sailor uniforms and keeps reluctant cultists in chains below deck on their big prison boat) says that Tom was “mesmerized” by restaurant manager and Jersey native Cynthia Jorge, 26. Tom ate at her joint, and that’s when he randomly picked her to fake be into.

“She had her hair in a bun, wore tight black pants and looked gorgeous,” the source said. Tom wasn’t “mesmerized,” he was irritated as fuck because he knew his ass would look better in those tight black pants. Cruise and Cynthia went clubbing the next night, and Tom was supposedly rubbing his Xenu moistener on her. Uh huh. I don’t buy this shit, either.

Less than 24 hours later, the duo — along with some friends — met up at Le Baron, where Cynthia huddled with Tom in a booth when he wasn’t pulling her out on the dance floor. “They did the salsa. He took her in his arms and spun her around the dance floor,” a witness gushes. “Tom looked like a pro.”

And things weren’t totally G-rated. “At one point, they began grinding together,” the witness tells In Touch. “It was straight out of Dirty Dancing. Tom seemed to be in his own world, completely smitten.”

Miz Vida Boheme (aka Patrick Swayze) just threw a “girl, you no Johnny Castle” side-eye from Movie Star Heaven. We all realize that Tom was actually staring at the male bartender and wondering how not to vom as he felt Cynthia’s titters rub against his chest, right? You would think a “wild night” would involve taking a girl home for fuck times. Nope. Despite being highly “enamored” of the “Jersey Katie Holmes” (© Michael K.), Tom called her a car. And then sashayed down to the Eagle in a ballcap and sunglasses to get his man-kitty punched.

Seriously, this closet case shit must be hard. You gotta pick up random sluts and take them salsa dancing? When all you really want to do is sit on dicks? And then you have to process them through your cult and remove all of the free will wiring from their brains? And then you gotta keep checking the GPS to make sure they don’t run away? And at the same time, the only place you can have a dude sit on your face is in the Celebrity Center’s “gym?”And that place reeks like expired lube and crazy! Lay your burdens down, Tom Cruise.

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Katy Perry Has Some Sort Of Skeeve Fetish

December 26, 2012 / Posted by:

Santa Claus is not amused. That Tweet should have cancelled Christmas. Katy Perry brought John Mayer home for the holidays to meet her parents. That’s no gift. I’d rather have rabies in my stocking. He looks like he has hasn’t seen the inside of a shower for five days. She should swap out the whipped cream shooters in her tits for shower gel ones and hose his skank ass down!

The New York Daily News (via People) sez that Mayer really wanted to meet Katy’s parents. No one wants to meet anyone’s parents. That’s some bullshiz. Especially this mealy-mouthed fuckface. Meeting your piece’s parents for the first time is ponderous. You can’t get drunk, you can’t curse, you have to act like you don’t hate everything. For a whole weekend? AND ON CHRISTMAS? Bitch, I am 5 White Russians in by 2 pm on Christmas and ready to leap over the coffee table at my brother during the Yankee Swap to fistfight for a TJ Maxx gift card. Hello, it’s Christmas! No one wants insincere douche under the tree.

“They’re happy together and with her family for the holidays,” a source told the celebrity magazine. “John really likes getting to know Katy’s family better. They’ve spent a lot of time together and really enjoy each other’s company.”

He’s totally the guy who gets shitfaced on Christmas Eve night, stays up after Katy goes to bed, and hits on her Moms. “Mrs. Hudson, I can totally see where Katy got her looks. Yes, I’m very interested in the Bible. Is it ok if I take off my pants and get comfortable while we talk about Jesus? ” Ugh, and he probably brought his guitar. I’d smash an ornament and cut my wrists with the shards.

And what’s with her and the slippery-looking types? That last one. You could wring out his hair to fill the fryolater. Be kinder to yourself, Annoying Rainbow Brite.

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Afternoon Crumbs

December 26, 2012 / Posted by:

Janet Jackson is probably engaged to her billionaire boyfriend Wissam Al Mana (Note: You’re not alone if you read his last name as “Al Mañana”) and he’s obviously just marrying her so he can be Detective La Toya’s brother-in-law - Just Jared

Parents Magazine once again robbed White Oprah and Courtney Stodden’s mom of the title of Mother of the Year – Lainey Gossip

Let’s skip down Memory Lane and by Memory Lane, I mean Shakira’s nalgas – The Superficial 

Cindy the mouse needs to be Lindsay Lohan’s financial advisor – Towleroad

Those studded shoe horns really accentuate Nicki Minaj’s tits – Hollywood Tuna 

But where’s the picture of me crying at the bottom of the shower while holding onto my Zoopoo friend? – The Chive 

This Christmas, Nahla Aubry didn’t get the gift of another scar on her childhood from watching Olivier Martinez beat the pretty out of her dad’s face – Celebitchy

Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis spent Christmas eating frozen yogurt in Iowa… Meanwhile, Demi Moore probably spent Christmas eating 20-something peen in the back room of a members only club in Miami called Iowa – ICYDK

Did Portia de Rossi and Ellen Degeneres finally become one person or did Tacky Pataky steal their look? – Popoholic

Chupa Zoe keeps her bones covered in St. Barts – Popsugar

The time I mistook JoJo for Lindsay Lohan’s pre-meth face of 2001 – Drunken Stepfather

Happy Boxing Day, here’s Thom Bierdz’s dick bush and salchicha – (NSFW) OMG Blog

Kelly Osbourne’s bikini body is on the cover of a magazine again – Hollywood Rag

Jack Klugman is in heaven now – SOW

I may or may not have wallet-sized versions of all of these Anderson Cooper pictures in my velcro wallet – Cityrag

FYI: Somewhere in California there’s a nursing home that allows Emo horses in – I’m Not Obsessed

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Bai Ling Went Potty

December 26, 2012 / Posted by:

Oh Bai Ling. I feel you, girl. We ALL make that face when we have to enter a Port-A-Potty. It’s why I hold it to the last possible moment. I’d rather an internal organ burst in a piss explosion than go in one of those. And I’m a guy. What do you ladies do? Hover your ass over it? Humans shouldn’t endure such degradation.

Bai’s crazy extraterrestrial ass gifted the world with her holiday hotness at a Christmas tree lot in Hollywood. Spectators were treated to a virtual panorama of sexy Yultetide poses. Every kick of her glitter-encrusted stripper heels brought humanity new shades of emotion for Christmas. Bitch brought you every color from the insanity crayon box:

“Is There Ghost In My Shithouse?”
“I Made Stinky, Yay!”
“I Wonder What I Should Get The Vaccum Cleaner For Christmas?”
“Shoes Hurt.”
“You Will Not Steal The Soul Of My Phone!”

I love this bitch. According to Flame Flynet, her latest movie is one of those direct-to-DVD messes that are bunk-ass replicas of big-budget flicks. Her latest one was called Age Of The Hobbits until the studio (the Kodak desk at Walgreens) got sued. Now it’s called Clash Of The Empires. I hope to Christ that she plays Galadriel. Cate Blanchett hasn’t got shit on this elvish space queen.

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Married People Don’t Act Like This

December 26, 2012 / Posted by:

Normally when I see bitches making out in public, my lonely, bitter ass side eyes the shit out of them and mumbles “get a room” into my cheap light beer. But somehow these pics of Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi hugging each other up on the beach in St. Barts aren’t bothering me. They’re even kind of…romantic and cute? Ugh, slap me.

After the “I hate your ass” pictures of Kim and Kanye and the MEH shots of Jennifer and Justin over the past couple of days, it’s nice to see a couple looking like they actually have a damn to give about each other. Not you, Chris and Riri, sit your asses down. Look at them, lovingly holding hands and playing in the surf like a couple of kids. And now I’m off to barf my guts up from the sickening sweet shit I just wrote. I think the holiday spirit has wrecked my brains.

Wait. Gossip Cop (quoting the National Enquirer so you know it’s FACT) says that because of Ellen’s career, the couple is being driven apart. So, this is an obvious attempt by them to trick us all into believing that their love is twuuuuue and they’re not slap fighting as soon as the cameras of off. Ah, suspicion and contempt. That feels better.

Open Post: Hosted By England’s Finest Rose As Slutty Claus

December 26, 2012 / Posted by:

You can’t spell Santa without “t” and “a,” so here’s the true princess of Britain and the current reigning Miss CDC International 2012 Jodie Marsh sprinkling the finest crabs the Caribbean has ever seen while struttin’ her muscly ass down the beach in Barbados over the holiday. If you’re in England and have been wondering why the air feels less elegant and why it doesn’t smell like roses marinating in the gutter, it’s because Jodie is not there! Yes, STD rates in the UK dropped drastically, but the stars aren’t sparkling extra now that Jodie is gone.

The angel of death tattoo that warns peens that they might never be heard from again if they enter has never ever looked so festive thanks to Jodie’s poon-covering Santa hat thong. And Jodie’s totally natural titty domes look like two toddlers with Elephantiasis of the head touching noses while wearing Santy hoods. That Michael Jackson tattoo wishes it can grow legs so it can moonwalk the fuck out of there, because it just can’t handle Jodie’s glamour and beauty.

And yes, this is the reason why Santa Claus is letting out a ho ho ho this holiday season.

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I Don’t Even Want To Know What Billy Ray Cyrus Is Doing With This Picture

December 26, 2012 / Posted by:

Miley Cyrus tweeted this picture of her with a very special friend who has more in its head than she does and has better hair. I know Miley is trying to be oh-so-edgeeeezzzz and I can appreciate her trying to get into the carpool lane, but I really don’t need the image of Billy Ray Cyrus naked spooning with this blow-up doll while eating tacos. It’s way too early for that.

via Jezebel

“Remember When You Almost Killed My Ass In That Lamborghini? Ahahahahaha…”

December 26, 2012 / Posted by:

RiRi was in Barbados a couple of days ago, but I guess that wasn’t getting her enough attention, so she flew to L.A. to be a dumb whore with fellow dumb whore Chris Brown at the Lakers vs. Knicks game at the Staples Center. These STUNT QUEEN ass bitches… My thoughts and prayers are with the poor whores who waited a million hours at the concession stand to buy a foot long hot dog, were all excited about swallowing it and then lost their appetite when they sat down and watched RiRi slobber all over Fist Brown’s foot long. RiRi and Chris Brown ruined a whole lot of Christmases last night.

Chronic dickmatization is a real thing when RiRi is still getting horny over a nasty motherfucker who looks like a zombi Sisquo. Chris Brown’s  outside now matches his inside: dead as shit. Douchebag looks like he should be hooked up to an IV drip full of Ensure. As my favorite philosopher Khia would say, “He looks like he got dat thunda lightning.

And RiRi just had to act all EXTRA for the cameras. Why couldn’t a basketball go rogue and hit Fist Brown in the face? Fuck you, basketball for not doing that.

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