Look who’s putting the “ho” in ho ho ho and the “mess” in Christmas! Yes, you can all thank me later for burning this exquisite and breathtaking image into your memory banks, and I know you won’t hate me more when I point out that from the looks of Courtney Stodden‘s ass, Santa jizzes Dollar Store spray snow. I know we were all wondering, and you’re welcome.
As a special holiday gift for us all, Courtneys mom wraps up some words of wisdom in a garish hot pink box with an oversized silver bow (she can’t afford gold), and she doesn’t sound at all like a delusional mess who’s been downing Adderall and eggnog cocktails with her daughter (yes, she does). In an article on Huffington post, Courtney’s mom, who does NOT have it going on, explains to us that her daughter is a timeless beauty, a victim of gorgeousness, and that she’s HERE TO STAY. That sound you hear is not a hurricane, it’s the collective exhale from every living creature on the planet in the knowledge that we can look forward to Slutty Santa, Easy Easter Bunny, Pussy Popping Patriot and Temptress Turkey for years to come. Yaaaaay.
“Courtney is the new Anna Nicole Smith, without the drugs. Everyone wants to be like Marilyn Monroe, but with Courtney the beauty comes from within — like Pam Anderson and Farrah Fawcett.”
Me: Marilyn Monroe? Farrah Fawcett?? Jenna Jameson, MAYBE.
“It won’t be 15 minutes of fame because it’s an evergreen story. Courtney is so intriguing; she’s almost an addiction for people. Her light shines. When she walks into an event, it’s incredible, as her mom and manager, to watch the reaction from people. There are so many horrible things we read, but when people meet her in person is so rewarding.”
Me: It’s kind of hard to ignore a barely legal bitch with her bits hanging out and her toes hanging over the end of her 12-inch lucite heels.
“She’s a victim of her own beauty. We need to understand all kinds of discrimination. It’s very sad.”
There is so much wrong with that last part, and I can’t even see right now to comment because my eyes are rolling like a slot machine.