Yes, the Miss Universe pageant is racist toward other planets, but I still watched all 2 hours of it last night, because one of my favorite pastimes is getting drunk while watching beauty pageant queens trip. I counted two beauty queen trips, but surprisingly, that wasn’t the highlight of the night. That title goes to Miss Venezuela who killed the shit out of the Q&A part of the competition. Along with Miss USA (the boring winner), Miss Philippines, Miss Australia and Miss Brazil, Irene Sofia Esser Quintero made the top 5 and had to answer a question from one of the judges.
Miss Venezuela’s intergalactic Christmas dress should’ve gotten her extra points and the way she sensually grabbed a question out of the glass bowl should’ve made the other queens exit stage right. But Miss Venezuela really cinched the title as the queen of my heart when this happened:
Diego Boneta: If you could make a new law, what would it be and explain why.
(The Spanish translator translated the question to Miss Venezuela and then she tried to answer it herself in English.)
Miss Venezuela: I think that any lazar in constitution are all ready made I think that we should have a straight way to go in our similar or our lives for example I’m a SURFER and the best way I can take is the wave I wait for it…. So, please? Do our only law that we can do. THANK YOU, VEGAS!
Bitch speaks English better than I do and her answer was more coherent than any post on Dlisted.
Most of us would probably spit out a tossed salad of words if we were standing in 16-inch glitter-encrusted stilettos on live TV and Andy Cohen was staring us down with his good eye while an alien ant’s stomach moaned for food next to us. Not to mention that when Miss Venezuela stared into the audience, she probably saw a steaming orange turd (aka Donald Trump) sexing her up with his eyes. So she did ex-seh-len-tay, considering.
If I was the last gay dude in America, and therefore won Mr. Gay USA by default, and had to compete in the Mr. Gay Universe pageant in Venezuela, I’d end up in the hospital after trying to answer my question in Spanish. Because I’d sound so fucked up that they’d think I was having a seizure and Tourettes attack at the same time.
Here’s some pictures of the new Miss Universe and the judges from last night’s Miss Universe pageant in Las Vegas. I’m not even going to bother typing the names of the judges, because it’s not like you’ll recognize them anyway. Well, except for Giggy. He’s the only A-lister in that ZZ-list buffet.