Yes, It’s Finally Come To This

December 19, 2012 / Posted by:

We knew this day would finally come and it’s finally here. Just in time for the end of the world. I’ve covered every inch of Lindsay Lohan and now I’m finally covering her bowel movements. Yes, I’m about to write about how LiLo is so full of shit that she’s clogging up every toilet she squats over. In the game of gossip limbo, I’ve finally gotten so low that my droopy ass lips are dragging against the sand. Congratulations to us all.

This BREAKING TOILETS NEWS story was first reported by Wetpaint a day ago and then TMZ picked it up this morning. Most us know that LiLo creates some major shit bombs (see: Liz & Dick) and some source told Wetpaint that the plumbers on the set of Scary Movie 5 learned that the hard way. They say that LiLo not only trashed her trailer, but she suffocated the toilet with her freckled poops. Because the toilets in the other trailers were connected by the system, they clogged too. So Ashley Tisdale, Simon Rex, Heather Locklear, Charlie Sheen and the rest of the cast had to shit in coffee cans. But TMZ has cleared this up (I’m not proud of that pun).

Their source (aka LiLo) says that LiLo was framed! LiLo is telling friends that she believes the producers sabotaged her trailer before she got there, because they were upset that she missed her first day of work due to “walking pneumonia.” When LiLo did show up for work, the shower and toilet in her trailer were both broken, so she had to use the toilet in other trailers. After LiLo’s shoot was finished, the producers accused her of screwing up the plumbing system and wanted her to pay up. LiLo’s people went back and forth before she finally exhaled and shat up the money. LiLo agreed to let the producers take thousands of dollars from her paycheck to pay for repairs.

Lindsay Lohan can’t even take a simple dump without it turning into a huge dramatic mess involving lawyers. But whatever, I blame the toilet. It’s the toilet’s fault for being such a perfect place to get rid of coke when the producers and insurance men try to find your hidden stash by bringing drug-sniffing dogs into your trailer. Blame the toilet.

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