Hold On To Your Beards, Tom Cruise Is Looking For A Girlfriend

December 19, 2012 / Posted by:

In Tommy Girl’s home gym, he has a life-size stone statue of Alexander Skarsgard that he climbs up almost every day. Tiny Tommy never makes it to the top, but he prefers the view from the bottom anyway. So because Tommy has a Mt. ASkars replica in his gym, it’s only natural that his next beard wife come from Sweden. The Sun has pictures of Tommy having a gay ole’ time with Malin Akerman’s  model type sister Jennifer. Malin and Tommy did Rock of Ages together, so I’m sure Jennifer knows that if she wants to land the lucrative role of his fourth fake wife, she needs to fake laugh when he throws shade at Xenu and only eat gay-free ice cream around him.

A source says that at the after-party in Stockholm for Tommy’s new movie Jack Reach-around, he and Jennifer had drinks, laughs and got close. The source went on to say, “Even though Tom was working the room, once they got chatting they were locked in. They seemed very natural in each other’s company for most of the night and at the afterparty at the Rose club. Then all of a sudden they were gone…” Tommy’s rep tells Gossip Cop that Jennifer Akerman isn’t in the running to become Tommy’s Next Top Beard.

That rep can stop yanking my taint skin. When Tommy shares a drink with a woman, it usually leads to him taking her to his office at the Scientology Center, which usually leads to the lawyers walking in, which usually leads to the new beard signing her name in blood on a 453-page confidentiality agreement and contract stating that she’ll gladly get a lobotomy with a Chatty Cathy doll. You will all believe me when Jennifer’s being interviewed by some reporter and the only thing she says is, “Tell me a story.”

And here’s Tommy and Jimmy Fallon having a water fight last night. This match-up seems unfair since Tommy is a veteran when it comes to getting splashed in the face.

Sometimes NBC is prejudiced against non-US IPs, so if you can’t see the video above of Tommy and Jimmy Heather Mills-ing each other with water, just watch the video below. It’s practically the same thing.

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