After six seasons of listening to Blake NotSoLively mumble like she’s got a jaw made of Gummi Bears and her tongue was attacked by a swarm of bees, Gossip Girl, the TV show based on Gwyneth Paltrow’s teenage life, ended forever last night. Sadly, we didn’t find out that the entire show was one of Dorota’s nightmares and she’s actually an UES socialite and Blair was her maid and Serena was her deaf laundress. But we did find out that (SPOILER ALERTS: if you care) the pube bush on Dan’s head was full of SECRETS, Serena van durr Wooden wore She-Ra’s cotillon gown to her wedding, Nate Archibald becomes NYC’s first gay mayor and that Blair Waldorf gave birth to Mason Disick. We also learned who Gossip Girl is and I’m still mad that it wasn’t Blake Lively’s poodle, but I was close. The real Gossip Girl doesn’t make any sense, but did anything in that mess of a show make sense (prime example: Vanessa’s ugly ass clothes)?
Throughout the entire finale, The CW kept scratching at my eyeballs by showing long previews for that neon skid mark of a show The Carrie Diaries. They shoved a dozen commercials for that shit into a feedbag and forcibly strapped that feedbag to my face. But they made up for it in the last few minutes of Gossip Girl’s finale by giving me a cameo by Lisa Loeb! Dan’s father Rufus ends up with Lisa Loeb in the end. Random doesn’t even begin to describe that fuckery. But knowing that Rufus and Lisa Loeb are squirting on each other’s hipster glasses during sex times was worth sitting through that wreck of a finale.
And that’s that. I’m sure Blake will go on to win a dozen Razzies, Chace Crawford will get 7th place on next season’s Dancing with the Has-Beens and Kelly Rutherford will get arrested in France for trying to smuggle her son Hermes out in her Hermes.