If the One Ring had eyes, this is what it would see when Gollum reached for it. Yes, that is your cue to be jealous of the One Ring.
Giving off some “my preeeeeeeesh-iss” glamour, Spaz de la Huerta poses labia-out naked for Playboy’s very special holiday issue. It’s TOO perfect that Spaz is naked in the holiday issue, because Baby Jesus was born just so this modern day goddess could bare her nipples in Playboy. Florida’s premiere parking lot stripper stripped off the clothes she doesn’t wear for photographer Mario Sorrenti and she tells Playboy that he was the first professional picture taker who captured the image of her pristine titties when she was just 17. Since then Spaz has taken her tits out for anybody with a disposable camera, but Mario was the first.
Spaz on posing for Playboy: “Cindy Crawford and Marilyn Monroe have appeared in Playboy. I celebrate nudity every day. It’s our first wardrobe. And Mario [Sorrenti] is such an amazing photographer; he brings so much mystery and sensuality to his photographs. We did the photos with no makeup, and we both wanted them to have a very natural feeling. It was more about bringing out a part of myself that has not really been shown to the public, a more honest portrayal of where I am now in my life.”
Translation: “Right now in my life, I’m always naked, I’ve always got sandy crotch and I’m living under a pier at the beach.”
Spaz on working with Mario Sorrenti again: “I did my first nude shoot with Mario when I was 17. He made me feel beautiful, and I really feel it was on that shoot that I overcame my fear of being naked. Mario is such an artist. He has taken photographs of me in which my body looks like a sculpture.”
Translation: “He makes my body look like a sculpture, which is probably why pigeons are always shitting on me and tourists are always sitting in front of me to look at a map.”
Spaz on what she thinks of the pictures of her naked ass: “We did the photos with no make-up, and we both wanted them to have a very natural feeling. It was more about bringing out a part of myself that has not really been shown to the public.”
Translation: “It was more about bringing out a part of myself that has not really been shown to the public, so Mario became a licensed ultrasound technician and inside of the magazine you’ll see scans of my kidneys, intestines and gallbladder. “
In all seriousness, after putting low-budget skanks like Lindsay Lohan on their cover, Playboy is finally on the road to becoming a purveyor of natural glamour and potent beauty again, and putting Spaz in their magazine is the first step.
I’ve always wanted to know what Tommy Lee circa 1986 would look like with tits and Spaz finally gave me that image. Thank you, Spaz! Heather Locklear SO wants to marry you.