Tom Cruise Is Serious When It Comes To Running His House

December 13, 2012 / Posted by:

Tommy Girl is the queen of his castle and like every queen, he runs that shit from top to bottom (but mostly bottom). Tommy has a full staff that includes an estate manager, a valet, maids, cooks, chauffeurs, gardeners and a team of human bidets. The day-to-day goings-on at Chateau de Tommy are as carefully choreographed as his last marriage. A source tells Radar that Tommy’s Bel Air mansion is split into several zones and each member of his staff is assigned a specific zone and they aren’t allowed to wander into other areas. If they step past their zone, a trap door opens and they fall into a vat of donut frosting before they’re fed to Kirstie Alley. The source explained it like this:

“Tom runs his household staff with absolute military precision and with the utmost attention paid to security. His Bel Air mansion is divided into zones, meaning that housekeepers and other support staff that work in the kitchen and food preparation area, aren’t permitted to go into another area of the house that falls outside of their allocated zone. It’s a huge house and Tom does this to ensure the safety of his family and children when they are visiting. The only members of household staff that have access to the entire house is the estate manager and the head of security.”

Of course Tommy gets Scientology involved with the running of his castle. The last time he hired an estate manager, he sent them to the Scientology Celebrity Center for testing.

“The test took an entire afternoon and included questions such as ‘if you saw a car stuck on the train tracks with people inside, and a train approaching, what would you do?’ The questions were just odd to say the least. Another section of the test dealt with math questions. It was a very rigorous, stressful and grueling test.”

The source got that train question all wrong. The question was, “If you saw a married, supposedly heterosexual movie star sucking off a hustler on the train tracks, and a train was approaching, would you tell TMZ?”

The zone thing isn’t that weird at all. The only thing that’s sort of weird is that at the end of each work day, every member of the all-male staff has to write his hours on his peen before sticking it in a hole in the wall marked “CLOCK IT HERE.” The staff member feels a slight tingling sensation and then he can pull out and go about his day. John Travolta makes his staff to do that too, so it must be a special Scientology time cock procedure.

Our commenting rules are pretty simple: If you make any overly offensive comment (racist, bigoted, etc..) or go way off topic when not in an Open Post, your comments will be deleted and you will be banned. If you see an offensive or spammy comment you think should be deleted, flag it for the mods and they'll be forever grateful and give you their first born (although, you probably don't want that).

alt="drupal analytics" >