Police Stop A Convicted Killer’s Plan To Murder And Castrate Justin Bieber

File this under: Some “Coen Brothers movie for the Disney Channel” type shit.

Dana Martin (no relation to Donna Martin, I think), a convicted killer who is serving two life sentences for raping and murdering a 15-year-old girl in Vermont, wanted to keep terrorizing the country from behind bars, so he hooked up with two criminals and wanted them to keep his murder spree going. Dana Martin met fellow evil doer Mark Staake in a prison in New Mexico and together they planned several murders. Once Mark got out of prison, he and his nephew Tanner Ruane were supposed to murder two of Dana Martin’s acquaintances in Vermont. They were supposed to strangle their victims with a paisley tie, because the paisley tie is Dana’s signature. The crazy bitch is a regular fashionista. Once Mark and Tanner took out their first victims, they were supposed to travel to NYC and murder the Canadian baby Jesus known as Justin Bieber at his show at MSG in late November.

Dana got detailed in his instructions. He wanted Tanner and Mark to sneak backstage and strangle both Justin and his bodyguard with a paisley tie. Once they finished that, Tanner was supposed to cut both of their balls off. You can’t castrate a castrati, but Tanner was going to try. KRQUE says Dana was going to pay Tanner and Mark $2,500 for each set of balls they cut off.

If this mess wasn’t already weird, it gets weirder. Dana Martin is obsessed with Justin Bieber, obviously, and he has a tattoo of the Biebs’ face on his leg. Early one morning while Dana was softly brushing the leg hair above his Bieber tattoo, he stared deep into the inky eyes of his Bieber tattoo and he suddenly realized that he could never hurt the pretty face of a singing unicorn fetus. So Dana Martin called the police and told them about his scheme. Dana Martin turned Mark and Tanner in. Mark was arrested in Vermont on outstanding warrants. They were able to arrest Tanner in New York after cops recorded a conversation between him and Dana Martin. Tanner told Dana Martin that he’s sad he didn’t get to murder anybody.

The Lesbeaver’s manager tells UsWeekly that they take every precaution to make sure that their little money maker is always okay.

The authorities need to take this extremely seriously and laws should be put in place to make sure this never happens again. What I mean by that is anybody with a Justin Bieber tattoo needs to be thrown on death row before they start strangling people with paisley ties! But seriously, Dana Martin is in danger, girl. Dana Martin is a cold-blooded monster with the heart of Lucifer, but he’s never screwed with the relentless Beliebers before. Once they get through with him, he’ll be wishing he had a paisley tie to hang himself with. Don’t screw with a Belieber who’s got nothing but a whole lot of time in homeroom and a stack of lined paper to write crazy letter after crazy letter.