A year and a half ago the sound of a shotgun salute was heard all through the meth capital of Alaska when Sarah Palin’s oldest son Track married his girlfriend Britta Hanson. They got married in the afternoon on a weekday and she held a bouquet of grocery store flowers in front of her stomach, so everyone figured that her something new was a fetus all up in her belly. Three months later, Britta popped out Sarah Palin’s newest grandchild Kyla Grace. Because gay marriage and weed are both now legal in Washington state, a smoke of sin wafted all the way over to Alaska and cut Track and Britta’s marriage ties in half. Britta tells Radar that after 18 months of marriage, she’s making Track Palin her first ex-husband.
“I’m fine with it. We just filed the papers so we aren’t divorced yet. I’m not sure how long it will take to get the divorced finalized. We want to keep our personal lives private and we don’t want to say anything about each other or the situation.”
One of my eloquent cousins, who is really familiar with the shot gun wedding, gave me some beautiful words of advice once. She said something like, “Bitch, make sure you suck the dick long and hard before you commit to it, because after you commit it you’ll only be allowed to suck on that dick and sometimes sucking on the same dick gets real boring.” Everyone, including Britta, should take that advice. That advice works for two reasons: a) You should really love sucking the dick attached to the dude you’re marrying and; b) If you’re always sucking that dick to make sure you’re okay with sucking that dick for the rest of your life, you probably won’t get pregnant, because I don’t think you can get pregnant from sucking dick (I think)! And if you don’t get pregnant, then you won’t have to cave in to the pressures of your boyfriend’s family and get married when you really don’t want to.
Not that I’m insinuating that Britta got knocked up before she got married. I’m sure right after she got married, the entire family prayed for God to bless her belly and before she knew it she was knocked up with a 6-month-old fetus. It was a miracle!
And more importantly, the hell kind of name is Track?