Gandalf’s Got Prostate Cancer, But Don’t Worry It’s “Contained”

Ian McKellen tells The Daily Mirror (via NYDN) that seven years ago his doctor told him he has prostate cancer, but there’s no reason to do the slow wall slide while bawling with your mouth wide open, because the cancer is just sitting on his prostate and not going anywhere. It’s kind of hard for Ian’s prostate cancer to move when it has most of humanity screaming at it, “DON’T. YOU. FUCKING. MOVE. IAN MCKELLEN IS AN INTERNATIONAL TREASURE. STOP. DON’T. YOU DIDN’T ASK ‘MOTHER, MAY I?’ YOU. SHALL. NOT. PASS!” Ian shrugged while saying this about having prostate cancer:

“You do gulp when you hear the news. It’s like when you go for an HIV test, you go ‘Arghhh is this the end of the road? They come and say you have cancer of the prostate and then they say you can have it zapped, you can have it snipped but you are not a candidate for that. You are ‘waitful watching.’ I have heard of people dying from prostate cancer, and they are the unlucky ones, the people who didn’t know they had got it and it went on the rampage. But at my age if it is diagnosed its not life threatening. I’ve not had any treatment.”

I’d offer Ian my prostate, but I’m pretty sure it’s unusable and looks like a dehydrated chicken liver that’s been beat with a stick too many times. Ian doesn’t want it anywhere near his ass. And since Ian’s got prostate cancer, I’m going to give him a one-time fug pass for wearing UGGs to JFK the other day. Just like prostate cancer, I hope that Ian’s love for wearing UGGS falls into Mount Doom and never comes back again.