Duchess Kate and the most important fetus in the world were released from King Edward VII Hospital this morning after being treated for the extreme shits and barfs. Duchess Kate will now go back to her palace where she’ll lay on her princess canopy bed and ring a crystal bell every time she needs to vom onto her handmaiden’s lap. Since Duchess Kate is on bed rest, she is unable to fulfill her daily duties of waving at her subjects at the opening of a new garden or whatever, so The Palace announced that England’s Finest Rose (official royal title) and the true Princess of England Jodie Marsh will fill in for Kate until she’s well enough to wave at her subjects at the opening of a new garden again.
Don’t bother trying to buy Duchess Kate’s coat online. It’s SOLD OUT. Those suede boots (Note: The princess is truly magical, because her suede boots are staying up without the help of a rubber band)? GONE! Those black tights? You can only get them in charcoal. The scarf? You can’t find one anywhere. Bitches are even dying their old ivory scarves that color, so periwinkle RIT dye is sold out too. Yellow roses? Nowhere to be found. Go out to your backyard and I’m sure your ass will see that your yellow rose bush is gone. Everything Kate touches, sells out immediately. Even the world’s supply of Bumpits is running low, so get one while you can.
Speaking of Bumpits, the Palace should probably block all of Kate’s calls and e-mails from Jersey. Because Snooki recently gave her some advice and now here’s Kate wearing a Bumpit. Shut it down now before Kate starts rubbing orange-tinted cocoa butter on her belly and is seen buying Absolut Baby Bottles at Bargain Booze.