BREAKING: Angelina Jolie Is Retiring Someday Maybe

December 4, 2012 / Posted by:

If Brad Pitt isn’t making every movie screen softly weep by threatening to retire from acting, then Angie Jolie is. While making The Tourist in 2010, Angie told Vanity Fair that she’ll stop acting in movies one day. Then during a recent interview with Britain’s Channel 4 News about Syria, she said that she’s probably going to retire when her child army enters their teen years. In related news, thousands of movie studio employees were told today that they will be laid off someday, because as soon as Angie retires, the movie-making industry will shut down forever. Here’s what Angie said about leaving the acting world and if you need to see the video of her saying these words, click here:

“I will do some films and I am so fortunate to have the job, it’s a really lucky profession to be a part of and I enjoy it. But if it went away tomorrow I would be very happy to be home with the children.I think I’m going to have to give up the acting as the kids hit the teenage years, anyway, too much to manage at home.”

Scientists have temporarily stopped trying to find a cure for everything they’re trying to find a cure for, because they need to devote all of their time to finding a way to bottle that Peter Pan’s shit. We must find a way to stop the Jolie-Pitt children from aging, because if they enter their teen years, we won’t ever EVER get a sequel to Life or Something Like It. How will we go on? First, Amanda Bynes retires, and now Angelina Jolie threatens to retire again? What have we done to deserve this?!

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