John Travolta Miraculously Heals Man’s Injury With His Magic Hands

December 2, 2012 / Posted by:

Usually, John Travolta’s the one who needs a healer to massage the pain away (example: “I’ve got an ailment in my anus. Can you knead it out?” – John Travolta), but he recently used his Scientology powers to magically heal a car crash victim’s broken ankle.

John tells the Scientology publication Celebrity Magazine (via Celebuzz) that when he was in Shanghai for some work stuff, he met a man who was suffering from ankle pain and he rebuked the OWWWs from the dude’s body using a technique called an “assist.” The name of a Scientology healing technique would have the word “ASS” in it. John said this craziness:

“I was in Shanghai recently at a work event and the Master of Ceremonies’ best friend had recently gotten into a car wreck. He had broken his ankle and was in constant pain. I asked him permission to do some Scientology assists and he said, ‘Okay sure’. People were standing around watching as I did them. You could actually see him confronting the pain and after a while he looked up at me and said ‘I feel better’ so I said ‘Okay end of assist.’ He had gotten noticeably better and I was chomping at the bit for more.”

Celebuzz says that according to the Scientology handbook, an assist is “a process whereby a Scientologist helps an individual to heal himself — or to be healed by another agency — by removing his or her reasons for precipitating and prolonging his condition and lessening their predisposition to further injure themselves or remain in an intolerable condition.

What a fancy and technical explanation! Let me put it into words we can all understand. Basically, during this particular Scientology assist, John Travolta pressed his fingers and the tip of his tongue on specific pressure points on the man’s dick. In between pressing his tongue against pressure points on the man’s peen, John told him to channel that pain from his ankle up into his nutsack. As John continued to rub those pressure points, he told the man to release that pain out of his dick hole. John rubbed harder and faster while shouting, “Shoot that pain paint, good man! Let it out!” Then after the man released the pain, John said, “End of assist.”

And no, I didn’t just write Scientology gay porn starring John Travolta. I wrote about a medical procedure. Get your brain out of the gutter. But seriously, that man only said he felt better, because he wanted John Travolta to get away from him.

And every time you give a hand job, you need to stand back up and say, “End of assist.” That’s a good line!

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