John Travolta Miraculously Heals Man's Injury With His Magic Hands
Usually, John Travolta's the one who needs a healer to massage the pain away (example: "I've got an ailment in my anus. Can you knead it out?" - John Travolta), but he recently used his Scientology powers to magically heal a car crash victim's broken ankle.
John tells the Scientology publication Celebrity Magazine (via Celebuzz) that when he was in Shanghai for some work stuff, he met a man who was suffering from ankle pain and he rebuked the OWWWs from the dude's body using a technique called an "assist." The name of a Scientology healing technique would have the word "ASS" in it. John said this craziness:
“I was in Shanghai recently at a work event and the Master of Ceremonies’ best friend had recently gotten into a car wreck. He had broken his ankle and was in constant pain. I asked him permission to do some Scientology assists and he said, ‘Okay sure’. People were standing around watching as I did them. You could actually see him confronting the pain and after a while he looked up at me and said ‘I feel better’ so I said ‘Okay end of assist.’ He had gotten noticeably better and I was chomping at the bit for more.”
Celebuzz says that according to the Scientology handbook, an assist is "a process whereby a Scientologist helps an individual to heal himself — or to be healed by another agency — by removing his or her reasons for precipitating and prolonging his condition and lessening their predisposition to further injure themselves or remain in an intolerable condition."
What a fancy and technical explanation! Let me put it into words we can all understand. Basically, during this particular Scientology assist, John Travolta pressed his fingers and the tip of his tongue on specific pressure points on the man's dick. In between pressing his tongue against pressure points on the man's peen, John told him to channel that pain from his ankle up into his nutsack. As John continued to rub those pressure points, he told the man to release that pain out of his dick hole. John rubbed harder and faster while shouting, "Shoot that pain paint, good man! Let it out!" Then after the man released the pain, John said, "End of assist."
And no, I didn't just write Scientology gay porn starring John Travolta. I wrote about a medical procedure. Get your brain out of the gutter. But seriously, that man only said he felt better, because he wanted John Travolta to get away from him.
And every time you give a hand job, you need to stand back up and say, "End of assist." That's a good line!
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Hasn't John-John put his hands on enough menz?!
Kelly needs to control her woman!
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ewwww his tongue!
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Submitted by louise_brooks on Wed, 09/19/2012 - 10:19am.
Bitch, you are not better then Keanu Reeves!
I agree, hekki. Very spicedongy.
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"Let s/he who is without sin, cast the first Stoney."
John should have the nickname Wooly Willy after that magnetic hair toy.
*wearily* Okay Johnny Travolta. People were watching every move you made. We believe you. You're not making this up. You're the second cumming of Jesus.
Now let go of his dick I mean ankle.
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End of assist
I like John Travolta too. He has good acting skills. His life is just too messy. Clean it up John!
No doubt John and Tommy girl will soon be setting up a clinic to treat prostate cancer.
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"I can resist everything but temptation"
I will always like j
Is Babydaddy a new incarnation of SpiceDong? Because that avatar is very SpiceDongy.
Did he ask any bystanders if they wanted to siff his fingers afterwards?
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L. Ron Hubbard never had an original idea in his life. Healing touch and a calm voice in an emergency are always a good idea. Nothing new about it.
Is he trying to perform miracles and set himself up for "sainthood"? ..my day sucked and reading this post with all the juicy description of events has truly warmed my heart and I needed a good,long,hard laugh. Thank you mikey!!
I think I finally get why all these actors are Scientologists: they think they are better than everyone else and their religion lets them play God.
"End of assist"?! ... That is just the funniest interpretation I've ever read.
wtf with his hair or is it his skin or is it his personality? all 3? cartoon cadaver/morgue madness.
*peddles off in a mint '88 yugo*
Holy crap, he looks like Commander Data! I hope that is Travolta's "evening" makeup.
Hey Sal, open post tomorrow , be there for TWD discussion :-)
I think Travolta and I both wear the same Lancome foundation color
Submitted by Mr. Peterson on Mon, 12/03/2012 - 12:57am.
Freak with his fisher price hair.
LMAO @ "Fisher Price hair."
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"That's an awfully high horse sir, may I pet him?"
Yo, thrush-mouth, it's called a tongue-scraper.
Look into it.
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"That's an awfully high horse sir, may I pet him?"
Ugh, MK, the "chomping at the bit" part reminded me of his hungry, hungry, Scientolohole. Damn you, MK!
*can never watch Jaws again*
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"If French is the language of love, then Spanish is the language of badassery!" -MK
He needs to lay both hands on that head and heal that fucked up rug/plug sitch, toot sweet.
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"I am not doing your fucking maneuvers."-Croc
"Once you go cat, you'll never go back"- Mrs.K "We wanted diamonds, sherbet, or a squirrel with a gun."-Izzard ♥♥ If you don't talk to your cat about catnip, who will? ♥♥
His magical healing hand shouldn't have a band-aid, should it.
heal olivia newton-john's scary joker face. but i like travolta. he's funny. unlike tommy boy
If he wants to chomp
at your bit, say NO!
It really wouldn't surprise me to see ole Johny boy sitting next to that pink haired woman, her televangelist husband and Benny Hinn discussing his "healing powers" in the near future. Scientology and "religion" is becoming one in the same these days.
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"I was half a virgin when I met him!"
-Mean Girl,Regina Georg
Revolta's fake hair is almost as funny as his fake sexuality is. I just can't with this bitch! LOL
Scientologist or Mormons - can't decide which of these cults is more freaky. I'm leaning Co$ today.
Freak with his fisher price hair.
I am also concerned about the fact that he needs to brush the caca off his tongue.
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"Let s/he who is without sin, cast the first Stoney."
I'll pay attention to his powers if and when he miraculously heals his dying career.
Every Religion believes this to an extent. That you can heal through Prayer or whatever. None are quite as extreme as the The Scientology Weirdos though. The fact that they think their Church is more powerful than medicine is ridiculous. Let's see what happens when John Travolta has a heart attack or Tommy Girl has a stroke, you can bet they will be calling 911, not simply relying on an "assist". Assholes.
Can someone assist him with his bad eyebrown dye situation, since we know he's not giving up the rugs or the menz?
Submitted by Bigbendy on Sun, 12/02/2012 - 10:57pm.
Hey Bendy! I just finished downloading the episode through the magical bay where pirate ships dock. ;) I will watch it in a few minutes.
BigBendy: I know! So frustrating!
Are you fucking kidding me?
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"Let s/he who is without sin, cast the first Stoney."
I really want to say to him, "John Revolta, listen carefully. It is okay to be bald. Just rock the Bruce Willis and shave everything off. Or get a rug at LEAST as convincing as William Shatner's."
Then again, maybe Scienos don't want to admit they go bald, cuz it's an undesirable physical effect that they clearly cannot cure.
And I gotta wonder if the man was going, "Yes it feels much better, now stop squeezing my broken ankle!"
Submitted by Gardening Girl on Sun, 12/02/2012 - 9:35pm.
Perfect! He can play a creepy gay Vulcan who keeps touching people during a crisis!
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I'm here to kick ass and drink tea. And I'm all out of tea.
Oops dp. Sorry
Submitted by miz cynical on Sun, 12/02/2012 - 11:30pm.
Bigbendy - just watched it! Hopefully I'll be able to join in on the discussion w/ you & Lucy tomorrow! My dvr just cut off the last two mins of the show! So good.
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Miz cynical, can you believe that it doesn't come back on until February? This season has been so good.
So basically Scienoloons claim that you suffer from injuries… because you've got fucked-up fake reasons for WANTING to be injured. WTH?
And if Scienos had magic healing powers, how come they haven't PROVED it in demonstrable ways, like healing a person who is paralyzed? Oh wait, because it's bullshit.
Submitted by agirl on Sun, 12/02/2012 - 9:42pm.
Isn't their HQ in LA called the Celebrity Center?
Submitted by salacious on Sun, 12/02/2012 - 10:59pm.
So if you pull a person from a burning car, perform CPR and call 911, you're not REALLY helping if you don't belong to their religion? How can anyone say that with a straight face?!
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I'm here to kick ass and drink tea. And I'm all out of tea.
Why do I get the feeling the guy saying "I feel better" was the equivalent of a girl tapping on a guy's head while he's giving her bad oral so he'll just stop already.
I want him to heal my misery. THEN maybe I won't tell every person I know how he is completely full of bull shit and whacked out of his strangely coiffed gourd.
Bigbendy - just watched it! Hopefully I'll be able to join in on the discussion w/ you & Lucy tomorrow! My dvr just cut off the last two mins of the show! So good.
Luci, love. I would never spoil it for you. I can't wait to talk about it tomorrow. I like the women in the comics better.
my "laugh aloud" daily quota would hardly ever get filled if it weren't for Dlisted.
i am definitely using that "end of assist" line next time i give it away.
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God don't like ugly.
What possible comment could I make, mean or otherwise, that would be funnier than the actual post itself? Very, very funny....thank you.
@ Bendy ♥!
I'm not (obviously) but I'm gonna run away now before peeps start talking about it, so that I will not see any spoilers. I can't believe we'll have to wait till Feb for the rest of the season. See you for a geek out tomorrow? Enjoy, and goodnight!
Tommy Girl said that when there's an accident, scientolocos are the only ones who can help. This "assistance" was what he was talking about then.
Is anyone watching The Walking Dead?