When are the police going to stop unjustly arresting Lindsay Lohan and start investigating the ongoing crack hunt campaign to take her down? That 8-ball in her pocket? That’s not her 8-ball, because that’s not her pocket. Those aren’t even her pants! She’s never seen those pants in her life and doesn’t know how they got on her body. That stolen necklace dangling out of her snatch? That’s not even her snatch. It’s the black kid’s snatch! That baby in a stroller she almost ran over? That baby hurled itself and its stroller in front of her car! LiLo doesn’t commit crimes, crimes are committed against her. Everyone is out to get her. I bet even the police are in on it. Shit, the police are probably reading this. You should take your laptop into the bathroom and turn on the shower while you read this, so the police won’t be able to see it.
Of course, Lindsay Lohan didn’t punch that Florida psychic on Thursday morning. Tiffany Mitchell isn’t the victim here, LiLo is. According to TMZ, LiLo is telling her friends that Miss Cleo’s apprentice offered LiLo a free reading at the club and after she turned the psychic down, the psychic’s friends started crowding around her fancy purse, which was sitting on a nearby table. LiLo thinks they were trying to snatch her Celine purse and you can’t thieve from a thief, so she got in Tiffany’s face. LiLo says she did call her a “gypsy,” but she didn’t know that’s a racial slur. LiLo never put her fist on Tiffany’s face and thinks she was set up.
Page Six has a different story. Their source says that LiLo thought Tiffany and Tiffany’s friends stole Ali Lohan’s purse, which had $10,000 cash in it. So LiLo confronted them about it. The source went on to say some shit:
“Lindsay was saying, ‘I was trying to find out who stole Ali’s purse! I gave her the money for my family, to pay for my brother’s school fees!’ Lindsay says she never hit the girl. She just went over to find if they had her sister’s purse. They were looking around the area, but the girl was sitting at the table, and some pushing started. Lindsay says the purse was never found. She’s desperate to find where the money is.”
Oh yes, $10,000… That’s funny, because that’s the exact amount crack whores accuse the police of taking from their change cup when they’re arrested outside of a 7-Eleven.
And as we all laugh at this mess, I’m sure that a gang of little black kids wearing Lindsay Lohan masks are counting ten thousand dollars in their super villain lair. The TAKE THAT CRACKIE DOWN mission is going according to plan. I bet Latarian Milton is their leader.