Hugh Hefner Is Going To Marry His Runaway Bride
You know it's real love when your groom looks like a drunk trout making out with bait on a hook (or an old Popeye smoking an imaginary pipe) when he kisses you.
Sad excuse for a gold digger, 26-year-old Crystal Harris, was supposed to marry 324-year-old Hugh Hefner two summers ago, but she dumped him just days before the wedding. For the next year, Crystal spent her days gargling on the douche dick of Dr. Phil's son and when she wasn't doing that, she was talking shit about how Hef grossed her out. But because nothing will make a gold digger realize she's made a huge mistake like an eviction notice on her condo door or the repo man taking her Mercedes, Crystal ran back into Hef's wrinkly arms this past May. And now, the wedding is back on.
A source tells TMZ that in the time Crystal spent apart from Hef, she really grew (read: her bank account shrunk) and she now feels that she's her own person (read: she learned that it sucks paying your own bills) and can stand on her own two feet by herself (read: she learned that standing on your own two feet is overrated and she'd rather just lie on her back). Crystal and Hef are closer than ever and he plans to make her his third wife on New Year's Eve at the Playboy Mansion.
Hef is definitely going to make Crystal squeeze out of a drop of her blood on a prenup contract carved into a slab of stone (Hef is old-fashioned like that), so she'll be lucky to walk away from this marriage with the handful of wooden coins (aka his first paycheck) he keeps in a shadow box. Hopefully, Crystal's money grubbing skills have gotten better. What I mean by that is hopefully Crystal got her pharmacy degree from Education Connection and is selling Hef Viagra at a five hundred percent markup. You gotta get that money somehow.
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Submitted by jelliebean on Sat, 12/01/2012 - 8:17pm.
Young wifey is preggers again, too. (That's where the money's at, but still...)
We've established what you are, now we are just arguing over the price.
Hiya Twattie!
And NOOOOOoooooooo to Weinstein! What a troll! He makes Jabba the Hut look like Pierce Bronsnan
"Let them all boil in their own hotdog juice." Deb 7/2012
Whamo...there is no amount of money that would make me hit that.
Personally, I think that this is just a contract to them. They are beards. He makes money off the illusion that he is some swinging sex god w. women begging to be his sex slaves. But he prefers men.
So he pays them to keep up the illusion lest he lose his fortunes. I'm sure I read somewhere that he is still actually married to Kimbereley Conrad so technically...he can't legally marry any of these ladies.
Gross...oh jeez the imagery..I'm gonna need a whole bottle of wine to block it out. Adios Saturday night!
My guess is that there would be many like Crystal. They would think "oh I can do this for x amount of money and the lifestyle. But then, they would have to keep their part of the bargain and would change their minds and do what Crystal did...run. I wonder if she goes through with it finally. *shudders* The sound of your own tomb lid closing at the old age of 26, as the honeymoon bedroom door clicks shut.
pushy, Within, GG -- hey, babes!
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"I'm from Chicago, bitch!"
If I had to pick between doing Hugh Hefner & Harvey Weinstein, I'd pick Hugh in a second. He's more likely to pass out on you after a few seconds of humping, and he appears to have a way nicer demeanor. Plus, he's like 25 years older than Weinstein, so he's that much more likely to die on you and leave you his money, so he's got that going for him. Harvey Weinstein is a total hambeast
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"I'm from Chicago, bitch!"
Submitted by Gardening Girl on Sat, 12/01/2012 - 8:35pm.
PS - I LIKE gay pron
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So do I, actually. Not least because the guys are so much hotter.
Submitted by Whamo on Sat, 12/01/2012 - 8:26pm.
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OK Ladies, I like playing this game because I think in most cases there's a point where it would be near impossible to say no if money were in fact no option.
I really don't think Viagra would work at this age. At this age, most humans are on some type of medication: BP, Heart, etc... and I don't think he'dbe able to take viagra.
Re: your question. Pushy has never been overly enthralled with money. I like some money, I like having a home, I like owning a car but big money has never been a goal of mine. Saying that.... if I were starving or someone I love was starving
and I mean STARVING I would. That would be the only way I'd do it. What kind of parents raised this women. It just makes me want to vomit.
Oh that note, I'm going to go finish up the speghetti for Mr. and Alfredo for me. Hopefully after this disgusting picture, I can eat.
Night Whamo.
Hmmm...2 million and only doggie style and NO KISSING OR ORAL.
PS - I LIKE gay pron.
"Let them all boil in their own hotdog juice." Deb 7/2012
Submitted by Whamo on Sat, 12/01/2012 - 8:26pm.
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The interesting question is at what point you'd say no. Most people would do Hefner (insofar as he'd be capable of the act) for €100 million. But at what stage would you throw a drink in his face and storm off, affronted at the insult to your dignity?
So I'd do this from the top down, not bottom up.
And this question is showing me sides of myself I'd rather not think about. So, no, I'm not going to answer it.
I can't wait for the stories to come out after Hef kicks. I've always had the impression that there's something "off" about him.
Apparently two of the former girlfriends published stories of sex with Hef. You can find them online, he does use Viagra and there are lots of girls in the room but gay (guy on guy porn) plays on a couple of screens the whole time. Weird. I am fascinated with this gold digger relationship. I just went to a party the other night with a large group and there was a wealthy older man divorced and his 20 years junior model looking girlfriend. Like Harvey's wife, she was gorgeous and in great shape. It makes me wonder about the intimacies of these couples. Does the younger hot partner just act really into the person, really turned on while rubbing a wrinkly, fat hairy chest? Really?
Whamo asks the tough questions. I'd probably do it for 5 mil. That's a nice chunk o'change.
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Submitted by P.T.Bull on Tue, 09/25/2012 - 10:33pm.
"This bitch is crazier than a pillowcase full of clear-level scientologist possums."
That dope Hef should be forced to marry a woman his own age like Joan Rivers !
"If it were socially acceptable I would esconce myself in velvet. " George Costanza
Submitted by christine the hoff on Sat, 12/01/2012 - 8:01pm.
You could "Almost" feel for him. ( all that money stops you) is he truly, really so delusional that he thinks these chicks old enough to be his grand-daughters love him?
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Hef is 86, so actually he could be her great-grandfather.
ew typing that.
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Success is a great deodorant ~ Liz
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OK Ladies, I like playing this game because I think in most cases there's a point where it would be near impossible to say no if money were in fact no option.
"Realistically" if Heff came up and offered you X amount, you didn't have to marry him but you had to bang him whenever he wanted for 1 year.
Would you do it for $10,000?...of course most would say no (ya I know there a whore who would do it) :)
How about $50,000...hmm ok how about 100,000 would you do it then? Keep in mind nobody has to know about this just you and him. Still no... maybe? that's a lot of cabbage.
All right he waves $ 250k..now you'd have to see his wrinkly ball sack coming at you BUT let's say that would pay off your house, no mortgage for the rest of your life...hmmmm???
What would you buying point be? Now I know you want to say 10mill but let's be "realistic" lol
i laughed so much when reading this shit. thanks, michaelk!
Fucking vomitous.
Honey, choose another hobby before you go the way of Anna Nicole.
One side of her face is rebelling against the other side. Must be a coincidence that it happens to be the side his gums are touching.
Okay, first faces of meth and now this photo, gross?? RandeS, I had to click on Harvey W. to see how he looks lately and you are right, that woman has no shame. She might as well wear a sign that says "fuck me if the price is right." Revolting.
OMG somebody get that man a bib!
Didn't she say when they broke off the engagement that sex with him was repulsive? Or am I thinking of one of the other blonde bimbos he shacked up with? Does Viagra even work at this point. Shit, now I'm picturing Heff with a saggy kinda-boner ... I need a drink. blech.
Thank you Hockeyfan!
I think that "A fool and his money are soon parted" should be piped in icing on their wedding cake. :D
"Let them all boil in their own hotdog juice." Deb 7/2012
Whatever she gets during or after the marriage, she's earned every penny of it.
That's like bloated Harvey Weinstein's much younger bride. I don't care what benes the marriage brings, they can't be worth having that bull seal laboring away on top of you.
You could "Almost" feel for him. ( all that money stops you) is he truly, really so delusional that he thinks these chicks old enough to be his grand-daughters love him? Can you imagine being that out of touch with reality? I'd rather be dead. it's so sad in a way. she's got all the moves however, you know they most likely will be married when he takes his dirt nap, and she will be set for life, and go after the young stud that she really wants.
HAWT! So jelly of Crystal right now. Look at how Hef puckers up. Like a newborn calf searching for a warm teat.
I wonder if Kelsey's baby will be at the wedding in its car seat.
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Submitted by Lisbet459 --
Lol!! I've never heard that one.
Gg, love the holiday avie.
I guess old Hef is set to die soon, and Crystal is newly in the will, which is likely why she pulled the plug the first go around, and I can't blame her. You fuck a living corpse then have to change his diapers afterward???? YOU DESERVE TO GET PAID!!! I'm sorry.
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Sorry, Roger, you are tiger now...
One Dumb whore deserves another. Why ruin two families?
I am happy that they found each other but do they have to let us know? *vomits into handbag*
"Let them all boil in their own hotdog juice." Deb 7/2012
This is so fucking ridiculous it is funny.
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Pleased to meet you
Hope you guess my name, oh yeah
But what's puzzling you
Is the nature of my game
MK, no way Crystal lies on her back, lol she sits on the wrinkly dick. Hey if Hef's dream is young Crystal buns and gold digger likes the grandpa crotch, have at it fools! May he remember it next year and may she sock away somethin' for later on, lmao.
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"CAUTION: Delusion ahead." MK
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A future Anna Nicole Smith tragedy in the making - well, at least the guy is the same age.
he looks like a half-dead kissing fish and she looks like the trollface meme
This reminds me of the joke of the man who gets sent to Hell. He's told he has to switch places with one of three people. One is a woman being tortured on the rack. One is a man being burned to death. The third is a man getting a blowjob from a woman.
He gleefully chooses the third. "All right", says the Devil. "Ms. Lewinsky, you're free to go."
That just popped into my head, for some reason.
There is not enough money in the world to make me even PRETEND to like that old fucker, let alone sleep with him.
There's no fool like an old fool.
Also: what Zorba said. Apparently the mansion has an institutional feel.
She seems to be way more into the camera than Hef.
What is the point in this? She doesn't seem to really love him, and he doesn't seem to really love anyone. What's to be gained by these two marrying?
This entire post is golden.
He'll probably forget he was married in a week.
Submitted by MissJaneTexas on Sat, 12/01/2012 - 7:22pm.
Why even get married?!
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IKR? Why bother? Is he really that lonely?
This old fool deserves to be left at the altar again. How dumb can you be.
Why even get married?!**************************************************************
Your Chick-Fil-A is showing. - ISprainedMyUvula 8/3/2012
@ Pushy...hey there:) ya I would think he would need viagra to do it with any sort of regularity that's sure. How she can fool around with him is beyond me! Nasty!
What do these skanks get from hooking up with Hef, aside from living in that tacky mansion and having to sleep with this decrepit turtle at night? Hef seems like a stingy, hard-hearted old fuck, and I'm pretty sure he's not leaving these girls with any money after he's tired of them. I remember watching the old "Girls Next Door" and Holly seemed like nothing more than a numb, imprisoned concubine. At least the other two got to have some fun, but Hef was always checking on Holly and making sure she came home early. Kendra and Bridget also had their own rooms and Kendra always had her family over. But Holly never seemed to have anyone else; Hef expected complete devotion from her. I always felt like retching when she'd paddle over to his room at night. She looked like a little girl being called to bed by a sleazy relative.
He will be dead before the nuptials.
Submitted by Whamo on Sat, 12/01/2012 - 7:04pm.
Hi Whamo:):)
At his age can he even "do it" Even with drugs?
I don't really want to think about it though.
Just beyond gross:)
YUK!
Set them both on fire!!!