Hugh Hefner Is Going To Marry His Runaway Bride
You know it's real love when your groom looks like a drunk trout making out with bait on a hook (or an old Popeye smoking an imaginary pipe) when he kisses you.
Sad excuse for a gold digger, 26-year-old Crystal Harris, was supposed to marry 324-year-old Hugh Hefner two summers ago, but she dumped him just days before the wedding. For the next year, Crystal spent her days gargling on the douche dick of Dr. Phil's son and when she wasn't doing that, she was talking shit about how Hef grossed her out. But because nothing will make a gold digger realize she's made a huge mistake like an eviction notice on her condo door or the repo man taking her Mercedes, Crystal ran back into Hef's wrinkly arms this past May. And now, the wedding is back on.
A source tells TMZ that in the time Crystal spent apart from Hef, she really grew (read: her bank account shrunk) and she now feels that she's her own person (read: she learned that it sucks paying your own bills) and can stand on her own two feet by herself (read: she learned that standing on your own two feet is overrated and she'd rather just lie on her back). Crystal and Hef are closer than ever and he plans to make her his third wife on New Year's Eve at the Playboy Mansion.
Hef is definitely going to make Crystal squeeze out of a drop of her blood on a prenup contract carved into a slab of stone (Hef is old-fashioned like that), so she'll be lucky to walk away from this marriage with the handful of wooden coins (aka his first paycheck) he keeps in a shadow box. Hopefully, Crystal's money grubbing skills have gotten better. What I mean by that is hopefully Crystal got her pharmacy degree from Education Connection and is selling Hef Viagra at a five hundred percent markup. You gotta get that money somehow.
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Riiiiight. True love on the Heathcliffe/Catherine level. (Not enough eye rolls for this hilarity)
Hef, hire a goddamn live-in Nurse. Obviously you hate being alone. That way your current bleached twat can pay for her own damn shitty horse hair extensions and porno dye job
@Migraineuse:
Mmmm...my thoughts are the exact same regarding female porn stars. It's sad and unfortunate. It's no less degrading.
However, I only ask this question because men have a very obvious differentiation. Men can have sex if they achieve a hard-on. This is largely controlled by the mental thought process they use. It's just a point of fact.
I respect your thoughts on the matter, but I was really speaking of the fact that he claims he was straight. My thought was just "how could he be straight and still have sex with men?".
Women DO matter - I would never think anything less. I am a feminist and believe wholeheartedly in female rights. Just wanted to assert that.
And you think I'm upset by it because...?
Anyway, sounds like you have experience in the area so you're a better candidate for this.
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Drunks as skunks
soulfly16 - since you're so upset about it why don't you step in and save Hef from this gold-digger by sucking his dick instead? Do it for the pleasure! Do it for free! You'll have to bleach your hair and get some bolt-ons, though, so you better get after that.
These idiots who actually think being a gold-digger is somehow worse than being Hugh Hefner, lol. Get all the money you can, Crystal. Everyone knows that's all he's got that anyone would want, anyway, though some may choose not to see it that way.
mike - I believe Linda Lovelace wrote in her autobiography that Hefner paid her then husband to arrange it so that he, Heffie, could watch her be fucked by a dog. Apparently getting a dog to fuck a human is not an easy task, at least back then it wasn't. Nowadays there might be some inside industry tricks to get the job done.
That gold-digging whore insulted him in public and he's still marrying her? At least he's making her sign a prenup. I hope she chokes on his shrivelled turtle dick.
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Drunks as skunks
Dear Whamo, it wouldn't matter how desperate I was or how much money he offered to pay. It wouldn't even matter if I agreed to that $250,000 for just one night - I couldn't get the job done if I was too busy retching my insides out on his bedroom floor, and that would only be after I had puked all my guts out on the way to his bedroom door. These girls must have really been messed with a lot in order to be able to turn it off enough to straddle that thing.
It's funny but sometimes I read comments from men under stories about Hefner that are very admiring of his "ability" to get these plasticine dolls to hop on that slug of his. I guess for guys like that it's all about the conquest and status among their peers and who gives a shit what the women feel about it. In these comments they can also be quite protective of Hef's monetary assets but wtf? The dingleberry made his entire fortune off of messed up Barbies yet he seems like quite the stingy little turd.
Submitted by Bizzarelife on Sun, 12/02/2012 - 2:21am.
This guy is a bottom and gets jizzed on. How on earth can a straight dude manage it? Any thoughts on this?
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Here's a thought: no one ever thinks about how women manage it. They would wonder more about that, if women were considered actual humans in this society instead of decorative buckets for dudely bodily fluids. No need to wonder why women put up with rape in front of a camera, if rape is what women are *for*.
Cue a million posters telling me that women *choose* to be jizz receptacles in front of a camera and that they really enjoy it and how dare I call that rape and what a judgmental prude who is surely too ugly to get laid I must be for suggesting that women's participation in this fuckery might be influenced by relentless economic and social pressure on them from the cradle onward, not to mention sexual abuse they very likely endured growing up.
Oh, yeah. And the straight dude endures it for the money. Why the fuck else? It sucks, but he's lucky enough to be sufficiently gender-privileged that he's considered human no matter what. Which is why you worry about how he feels but not how exploited women feel. Women don't matter.
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Submitted by Darknight on Fri, 11/09/2012 - 4:27pm.
THE TRUTH. Making the world a better place.
Do you, D. Crepit Limpdick, take Digger McFamewhore to be your chief nurse and diaper-changer?
And do you, Digger McFamewhore, take D. Crepit Limpdick to have and to hold, until the money runs out or you find a bigger mark?
Awwww... it's a match made in heaven!
Speaking of porn:
Did you guys ever see that special about that gay porn actor that claims he was straight?
I pulled up some of his porn. This guy is a bottom and gets jizzed on. How on earth can a straight dude manage it? Any thoughts on this?
OH, and he is ALSO married. His wife claims she is OK with it.
All I could say, in the midst of watching the special on their lives, was "ewwww...".
The guy's name is Reese Rideout:
http://www.queerty.com/reese-rideout-is-straight-married-and-gay-por-pay...
nite everybody!
"Let them all boil in their own hotdog juice." Deb 7/2012
Neither one of these stupid fucks have any shame. He has no shame because how in the fuck are you going to marry someone who told the entire world that you suck in bed and you don't turn them on? Don't even get me started on the age difference. She has no shame because it couldn't be any more obvious that she does not love this geriatric pervert, but she is going to marry him anyway for the money and status of being Hugh fucking Hefner's wife. Jesus Christ, when the idea of your marriage makes the entire world collectively roll their eyes, you probably SHOULDN'T DO IT. I guess he amended the prenup to her satisfaction. Pathetic. Both of them.
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"Let s/he who is without sin, cast the first Stoney."
This is all for publicity. Trying so hard to make Hef appear like a dog. No doubt she's a gold digger, but when you're 100 years old and you want to do it with someone decades younger that's not going to be cheap. Why should it?
How embarrassing to show up at the opening of a Walgreens. At least Pam was trying to promote her own cheap perfume.
Submitted by Gardening Girl on Sun, 12/02/2012 - 12:33am.
Sans, they have those lovely adult diapers that Lisa Rinna was flogging a few months back! :D
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Well, it looks like I have found Glambert the perfect "stocking" stuffer.
Sans, they have those lovely adult diapers that Lisa Rinna was flogging a few months back! :D
"Let them all boil in their own hotdog juice." Deb 7/2012
Submitted by Gardening Girl on Sun, 12/02/2012 - 12:31am.
Sans, I bet you she'd have no problems doing her morning constitutional!
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right? I mean....that has to cause all sorts of unpleasantness later in life.
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Submitted by P.T.Bull on Tue, 09/25/2012 - 10:33pm.
"This bitch is crazier than a pillowcase full of clear-level scientologist possums."
Sans, I bet you she'd have no problems doing her morning constitutional!
"Let them all boil in their own hotdog juice." Deb 7/2012
Um, I don't understand why he'd take her back. He must be really senile because he could have hundreds of hos lined up waiting to be top bunnies of the mansion. His eldest sons or daughters need to do something to him before one of these hos manage to rewrite his will and transfer all his money and assets and leaves them with nothing.
No worries sister!
"Let them all boil in their own hotdog juice." Deb 7/2012
Submitted by little_rascal on Sat, 12/01/2012 - 11:59pm.
@ Gardening Girl
I had no idea what backdoor boogie was, so I checked Urban Dictionary. Now I'll have nightmares. Thanks a lot, GG. :o(
Backdoor Boogie - A porn made in the 80's in which two men try and fit their members inside a female's anus simultaneously.
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Charming!
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Submitted by P.T.Bull on Tue, 09/25/2012 - 10:33pm.
"This bitch is crazier than a pillowcase full of clear-level scientologist possums."
Sick.. Thats all I can say.
GG> LMAO!
Ok, I don't feel so weird now. :>
I own exactly one...and it's on VHS, which shows how old it is. It's supposed to be the video version of the Kama Sutra and it's hilarious. Gold chains, spray tans, bleached mullets...exactly what the writers of the Kama Sutra had in mind, I'm sure! One dude looks like he actually has to HOLD it up to keep it up. And he grunts a lot.
Anonymouse, I critique who has the worst french manicure, worst eye brow sitch, lamest line, tackiest lingerie and tattoo. My favorite tatt was on some dude who was getting head by some Russian bimbo and he had this tattoo near his monstrous dong, a heart emblazoned with "My beloved wife Susan, I'm yours". Charming.
"Let them all boil in their own hotdog juice." Deb 7/2012
Gardening Girl..."What you dont like some chick getting slapped in the face while some gorilla shoves his wienner in her mouth or that charming shot of her showing you that yes she does swallow. Ugh. Its not porn anymore but more a game of grosser than gross."
That's exactly it! If there were some straight prons that were actually not sexist and demeaning, I wouldn't mind them! The lesbian ones can be sort of intriguing (I don't know what it means that I think that)...but I honestly spend most of the time critiqueing them. "Ok. Those are NOT real. And those heels are so ugly. Wtf. And WHO makes a noise like that?!" I've been more turned on by an especially hot kiss on a tv show than any straight pron.
I forgot to mention the #1 girlfriend's other important role is official vibrator washer afterwards. What an honor!
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"Look at this lamb, I'm going to make condoms out of it so that you can ride me until your pussy says 'baaaaaah.'"
~ASkars as channeled by Michael K
@ Gardening Girl
I had no idea what backdoor boogie was, so I checked Urban Dictionary. Now I'll have nightmares. Thanks a lot, GG. :o(
Backdoor Boogie - A porn made in the 80's in which two men try and fit their members inside a female's anus simultaneously.
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Submitted by Migraineuse on Fri, 09/14/2012 - 6:22pm.
All females belong to the sex class; they are subhuman buckets for male incontinence.
Detective,
For 500K I wouldn't mind being one of a few. A few seconds on his dick after fake lez play? Sure, but for 1k a week? Those dumb bitches! You can make ten times that escorting as a famous person! Don't ask me how I know this *adjusts red weave, swigs popov*
Submitted by louise_brooks on Sat, 12/01/2012 - 11:24pm.
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Did Whamo say that? LMAO~ Virgin Whamo, lolololololol
I said the same thing, there ain't no way this Hef guy gets on top of anything. It all gotta climb on him. Oh, and they have to watch they don't break any limbs too, no thanks. :)
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"CAUTION: Delusion ahead." MK
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Oops, late response :p
GG,
I think reverse cowgirl should take care of all those concerns. And easy on his knees so you still get your check.
Happy to be of service louise_brooks! :D
"Let them all boil in their own hotdog juice." Deb 7/2012
BACKDOOR BOOGIE!!!! Now that has to be on a t-shirt!
"Let them all boil in their own hotdog juice." Deb 7/2012
Umm, you got some shit on your face there, let me get that for you.
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"I am the Devil, and I'm here to do the Devil's work"
GG- ROTFL You know, I was going to go to the kitchen and get a snack. But, on second thought, I'm cool. *HUAH*HUAH*
26 and ??? I hope those crazy kids make it. ahhh true love, nothin better ;>
~O..+~
"what am I going to do without that blanket? I can't face life unarmed!"- Linus
According to the former girlfriends who have spilled, Hef gives each of his girlfriends $1000 per week allowance. That's it. I would never for any price ---- but for only a little over $50K a year?
Twice per week they have date and sex nights. They all go out to one of only a couple of bars. He loosens them up on ludes and champs, takes his viagra at midnight, then it's home for the sex part. The girls all have fake sex with each other then each take a term hopping on pop for a few seconds. Then the #1 girlfriend (Holly and later the oh-so-fresh-looking future Mrs. Hefner)finishes him off by doing the backdoor boogie. He uses baby oil for lube with all of them and never uses a condom. Gay porn plays in the background. These tales have been told with remarkable consistency in private and later in former girlfriend tell-alls for years. Ew. Just ew.
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"Look at this lamb, I'm going to make condoms out of it so that you can ride me until your pussy says 'baaaaaah.'"
~ASkars as channeled by Michael K
louise_brooks, then reverse cowgirl it is!
"Let them all boil in their own hotdog juice." Deb 7/2012
CashewTime, I figured at least with doggie style I wouldnt have to see his O face! Plug my bunghole grampa just dont get on top of me (blerg) and DONT FUCKEN KISS ME!!!!
"Let them all boil in their own hotdog juice." Deb 7/2012
I can't see how he would do doggy style at all. He's like 500 years old. You know his knees are shot. I'm willing to be it's woman on top or nothing.
CashewTime, now that depends on if they were al pastor tacos or chicken tacos. It does make a difference.
"Let them all boil in their own hotdog juice." Deb 7/2012
GG,
Doggie style? He would fall on top of you when he's done! Ewwwww! And what if he sticks one of his old claws up your bhole? Lady, you need to think this through!
I have a friend who had a one night (or so I hope) with this ex marine she met at a bar last month who mostly ignored her afterward, and now he's disappeared with some ptsd symptoms. I told her to not bother him, and you know what she says? "but he bought me tacos.! No ones paid for me like that before!"
I try so hard not to laugh.
I cant waste a year on Hef, i sit on his face first session and hope i can suffocate him and play it off as an accident. A year is hella long.
Shit, I d sleep with one of those old farts. Chances are it aint happening, and if it is, it aint for long, and I can zone out in those moments and think of what bills need paying. I am not putting my mouth on Hefs dick, but I d let him hit it for 20 Grand.
The question was how much would you agree to do Hef for a year and when ever he wanted. Now remember this is a whole year and more or less at his beck and call so you would have to rearrange things or cancel things you wanted to do...Now I would have to drive on one of our shitty Los Angeles freeways to get to his ancient ass, and probably a lot of it in traffic, so I said 2 million....hey I hate freeways and traffic. Plus, only doggie style and no oral!
"Let them all boil in their own hotdog juice." Deb 7/2012
Super Stew - I'm nosy and that would just make me eavesdrop more. I never hear good stuff like that. I always hear people yelling at their kids.
UBF- sweet virgin Whamo is the one who is going down on skanky morbidly obese women for $10K. I think the rest of us were just hypothesizing about Hef and Harvey Weinstein like millionaires paying us to sleep with them.
Sans fards and anonymous-
re:lez prons... watch Malena Morgan. forwarding through the first ten minutes with one of her films is worth it.
LOL! Hef is 86 so really to be fair I'd have to bang an 86 year old woman...Margeret Thatcher is 86...uh...NOPE!!
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GG, my car is 11 years old and sounds funny. If I can make 20 Grand in ten minutes and have a ride to work for another 11 years....ok, where is the pussy, I really want that new Accord....
UBF - NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
"Let them all boil in their own hotdog juice." Deb 7/2012