Hugh Hefner Is Going To Marry His Runaway Bride
You know it's real love when your groom looks like a drunk trout making out with bait on a hook (or an old Popeye smoking an imaginary pipe) when he kisses you.
Sad excuse for a gold digger, 26-year-old Crystal Harris, was supposed to marry 324-year-old Hugh Hefner two summers ago, but she dumped him just days before the wedding. For the next year, Crystal spent her days gargling on the douche dick of Dr. Phil's son and when she wasn't doing that, she was talking shit about how Hef grossed her out. But because nothing will make a gold digger realize she's made a huge mistake like an eviction notice on her condo door or the repo man taking her Mercedes, Crystal ran back into Hef's wrinkly arms this past May. And now, the wedding is back on.
A source tells TMZ that in the time Crystal spent apart from Hef, she really grew (read: her bank account shrunk) and she now feels that she's her own person (read: she learned that it sucks paying your own bills) and can stand on her own two feet by herself (read: she learned that standing on your own two feet is overrated and she'd rather just lie on her back). Crystal and Hef are closer than ever and he plans to make her his third wife on New Year's Eve at the Playboy Mansion.
Hef is definitely going to make Crystal squeeze out of a drop of her blood on a prenup contract carved into a slab of stone (Hef is old-fashioned like that), so she'll be lucky to walk away from this marriage with the handful of wooden coins (aka his first paycheck) he keeps in a shadow box. Hopefully, Crystal's money grubbing skills have gotten better. What I mean by that is hopefully Crystal got her pharmacy degree from Education Connection and is selling Hef Viagra at a five hundred percent markup. You gotta get that money somehow.
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I WILL BE RICH BY MY 4OTH BIRTHDAY!!!!
WHORE. WHORE. WHORE. WHORE. WHORE. WHORE. WHORE. WHORE. WHORE. WHORE. did I mention she is a whore... having to wrestle with grandpas cock for 14 years... i hope he outlives her... THAT would be justice.
"I've had crabs. I've had lice. I've had the clap and that ain't nice. SO WHAT!?!?!?!"
"I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure..."
"other than that Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?"
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Hey, a few months back, I would have been disgusted. But now as we face a fiscal cliff and a zombie apocalypse at the same time, its just safer to be associated closely with a zombie with a lot of money.
Just saying...
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Brevity may be the soul of wit, but to twit without wit is soulless -- Johanne Savoie
With Hef being 86, my girl Crystal has her eye on the finish line. Get that money, sweetie!
"When I'm good I'm very good but when I'm bad I'm better." ~Mae West
Late to the party here.
"Say something nice."
"They've got interesting matching spray tans in tangerine."
That's all I got.
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Fair is foul and foul is fair..
My question is why does he bother marrying them? As gross as he is, all of the actors (Dan Ackroyd, Joe Dirt guy, etc.), who practically LIVE at his mansion to nail his sloppy seconds, are far skeevier.
Submitted by Tigerlilly on Sun, 12/02/2012 - 8:34pm.
... I've seen enough women mind fuck men to death (figuratively and literally) to know that's some straight up BULLSHIT that I find HORRIBLY offensive.
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Hey! What you messing with my game plan for?
This must be a contractual agreement. When I first saw this last year? The concept of a 25 year old getting on with an 86year old was beyond repulsive. I would not get with an 86 year old, and I am not young. This man is older than MY father.
But, after seeing all the Dlisted comments, I have to think, If I were a young girl struggling with paying the bills, and a total attention whore...maybe I would. He's got to be on everyone's death pool. Really, how much longer can he have?
Oh and...getchu money CRYSTAL! Go on and get it, girl, any way you can.
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Sorry, Roger, you are tiger now...
I'm just gonna chime in here. The problem with radical feminism is the same as the problem with all cults, political and religious, (and any philosophy drenched in iron clad dogma that is entirely intolerant of other belief systems and/ or challenges is as good as a cult in my opinion). Ideals such as equality and peace are not entirely socially based. A lot of feminism LOVES to conveniently FORGET the fact that men and women are NOT biologically equal.
Any laws that attempt to level the playing field are more often than not a VERY slippery slope.
Should we abandon our goal of 'equality'? No, but we sure as hell need to redefine what equality is before we call all men rapists and all women helpless victims. I've seen enough women mind fuck men to death (figuratively and literally) to know that's some straight up BULLSHIT that I find HORRIBLY offensive.
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Sorry, Roger, you are tiger now...
No to chin implants! This lady definitely has a chin implant and it looks weird. Why do I hate chin implants so much? They bother me!!!!!!!!!!!!! Just say no kids.
POOOHTEEEE!
Submitted by PrettyHateMachine on Sun, 12/02/2012 - 1:37pm.
http://guyspeed.com/allie-rose-babe-of-the-day/
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Hi, PHM : )
Is that site "guy speed" or "guys peed"?
Submitted by Migraineuse on Sun, 12/02/2012 - 3:15am.
Cue a million posters telling me that women *choose* to be jizz receptacles in front of a camera and that they really enjoy it and how dare I call that rape...
I agree that some porn can be degrading, but not all. However, I vehemently disagree that all female porn stars are being raped in front of the camera. Come on now. Porn can be a lucrative business, especially for its female stars, a kind of alternate show business. And newsflash for you, but some women actually enjoy sex.
Oh, yeah. And the straight dude endures it for the money. Why the fuck else?
If Reese Rideout is straight, then Michael K is a Republican and Vice President of the Pussy Lovers Club!
Migraneuse,
Actually, I would say society shows more concern for female pornstars than male, gay or straight. Do you think anyone acknowledges that many of the male pornstars in straight porn also might have childhood trauma and drug addictions to contend with? I've watched plenty of documentaries and news specials on the plight of female pornstars, but I have yet to see a male interviewed on one of these shows. The right to admit vulnerabilities is a privilege women have, and our society doesn't give these men that leeway. And gay porn stars? Who in the mainstream is going to bother interviewing them? And I have met plenty of men who know about the likely childhood trauma that female pornstars and sex workers have experienced. But I can't fault them for watching when when all my female friends and I are doing the same.
What people fail to realize about feminism (partly because of statements that those like you make) is that it IS an equalist movement. When I was in school there was concern among women about how the pressure to remain "strong" led to greater risk of heart attacks for men because it even seeped into the way they ate. Today, partly because of awareness raised by gender studies programs, a man is not considered lesser to his peers for taking care of his health by eating lighter (read: "sissy") foods. I was there when this movement was at its infancy, and feminists were an integral part of it because many of them are just as concerned about how gender restrictions affect the men in their lives as the women. But of course, this will not be acknowledged because of people like you. I've been reading comments on DListed on and off for a few years now, and I used to think you were just a young person in school who would see a broader, more equalist point of view eventually. Yet you still call women buckets and say no one cares about them. Way to grow, Migraineuse.
Submitted by Bizzarelife on Sun, 12/02/2012 - 2:21am.
Speaking of porn:
Did you guys ever see that special about that gay porn actor that claims he was straight?
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Um, maybe a bit of denial? My guess is he's probably gay or bi but wants to have his cake and eat it too.
Submitted by Bigbendy on Sun, 12/02/2012 - 2:26pm.
Disgusting old fart. Whamo, my answer to you question is no, never,ever to infinity and beyond.
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No amount of money would get your ass up in the air eh Bendy!? :) LMAO
Submitted by kla on Sun, 12/02/2012 - 10:18am.
It appears they caught Hef in the middle of having a stroke in that pic
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ROFLMAO!!!!!!!
Disgusting old fart. Whamo, my answer to you question is no, never,ever to infinity and beyond.
she's 25? shit, the only thing 25 years old on this page is THIS FUGGIN ARTICLE!
jesus if she doesn't have a gigantic chin. kinda reminds me of a harsh looking ventriloquist doll i used to have as a kid.
*peddles off in a mint '88 yugo*
Off topic: Britney turned 31 today. Surprised MK hasn't put up Birthday Sluts. Seems that could be like a timed auto thing. He could sleep in and we could have a new post. Hope all is OK.
Miguel Mijo, LEVANTATE HUEVON! *pulls covers off hungover MK"
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Someone by the bar keeps looking at us dancing. I see him starring at me, I see what he wants be
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>:- (
Mr. Mercury ♥
Submitted by little_rascal on Sat, 12/01/2012 - 11:59pm
How is this different from double penetration in any porn video? I fail to see the shocking
Wake up, MK! I'm sick of seeing this wrinkled old pervert. LOL
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No escapin' when I start
Once I'm in, I own your heart.
I think Playboy is worth as much as it used to be and whatever money he has will be left to his sons. She may think she's hitting the jackpot but he will find a way to screw her even after he's dead.
Also he is just as bad as Clash having these girls move into his mansion when they are just 18 or 19 years old and obviously had sexual relations before they moved in. Clearly no woman that young would want to jump on a rich old dick unless she was molested as a child. I know he has also used to have 16 and 17 year old models in the magazine. Maybe this girl should sue him for emotional distress http://guyspeed.com/allie-rose-babe-of-the-day/
But Hugh Hefner is still celebrated. Weird.
Clashy...very clashy! Whatever...I hope she gets knocked up.
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Submitted by louise_brooks on Sun, 12/02/2012 - 1:28pm.
LOL. I have a friend who used to say "One Testicle."
Submitted by RandéSleepover on Sun, 12/02/2012 - 1:19pm.
Submitted by louise_brooks on Sun, 12/02/2012 - 1:17pm.
It's possible she was born with male genitalia.
I was thinking the same thing.
My husband and I have a game we play when we spot a mismatched couple called, Huge Bank Account, Russian Prostitute, Born a Man, or All Three.
Call the cops, STAT! Crystal has killed & stuffed Hef.
There is NO WAY he is alive in that pic! RIP Hef.
I can't stop staring at her super dark eyebrows. I hate it when a brunette goes platinum blonde but forgets to lighten her eyebrows a bit.
Submitted by Migraineuse on Sun, 12/02/2012 - 3:15am.
You know, women *choose* to be jizz receptacles in front of a camera and they really enjoy it. How dare you call that rape? What a judgmental prude who is surely too ugly to get laid you must be for suggesting that women's participation in this fuckery might be influenced by relentless economic and social pressure on them from the cradle onward, not to mention sexual abuse they very likely endured growing up!
Submitted by louise_brooks on Sun, 12/02/2012 - 1:17pm.
It's possible she was born with male genitalia.
Submitted by RandéSleepover on Sun, 12/02/2012 - 11:40am.
Another sad old coot with a much younger wife: John Cleese (73) with his fourth and heavily tanned wife
Oh my. Ew... Not even ew at the age difference, but her face. I hate to say it, but pretty much every single "Real Housewife of...." looks better then her. That picture should give unattractive gold diggers everywhere hope.
I have to admit that I am laughing really hard at "dudely bodily fluid receptacle." It sort of rolls off the tongue.
And of course, Whamo, I have to ask...would you do it? How much???
lol
Submitted by Whamo on Sat, 12/01/2012 - 8:26pm.
_______________________________________________
OK Ladies, I like playing this game because I think in most cases there's a point where it would be near impossible to say no if money were in fact no option.
"Realistically" if Heff came up and offered you X amount, you didn't have to marry him but you had to bang him whenever he wanted for 1 year.
Would you do it for $10,000?...of course most would say no (ya I know there a whore who would do it) :)
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Whamo, I totally love you!!! You get right to the point.
Now, I will be honest. I'm almost 51, and I grew up hearing all about Playboy and seeing nekkid women on my brother's walls, so it doesn't bother me. Hef's my dad's age, but hey, since I just had to scrape together $5,000 to have a new well drilled at my home, YOU BET I FUCKING WOULD. lol. But not for the reasons you think. Yeah, the money would be nice. But men like Hef, as old and wrinkly and ugh as they may be, have power, and power can be very sexy and attractive. (I used to have dreams about tony Soprano, so sue me.) I'm not attracted to someone because of their looks-- I like the whole package. Sure, money is great (esp when you're broke as a joke like me), but I know men like this, who might be meh in the looks dept and might need the viagra, but if they make me laugh and are interesting and have cool life experiences (and really, not many men have Hef's experiences), then HELL TO THE YEAH I WOULD. Not gonna put a money figure on it, bc it's not about that. But hey, if we're talking "comfortable and not worry" kind of money, then yep, I'd whore myself out. In fact, I'm looking for a sugar daddy right now...
flame away, folks!!! BRING IT!!!
It's an industry secret that while Hef is very good his "girls", they will not make a fucking dime off of him. He may leave them with a nice allowance or something, but basically, other than his ex-wife Kimberley Conrad and his kids (I think there are four?), no one will get a piece of the Playboy pie. it would explain why it never works with these gold diggers. Altho, truth be told, I think Holly really loved Hef (where bridget and kendra were kinda "meh" about him), but he didn't want to be havin' any bebehs, and she did.
Just sayin'. But yes, this heffa looks like she realized, oh fuck, I have to work?? Fuck that, I'll go back to Hef. She seems very lazy and just wants the fame and publicity and security.
I would NOT, for any price.
Submitted by Anonymouse73 on Sun, 12/02/2012 - 12:30pm.
Do you *honestly* think that the majority of people on this planet only think of women as sperm receptacles? And if so, how do you know this?
That's what SHE thinks of women. Her unending hypocrisy is well documented on this site.
"They would wonder more about that, if women were considered actual humans in this society instead of decorative buckets for dudely bodily fluids."
My eyes are rolling so far back in my head right now they might get stuck.
Do you *honestly* think that the majority of people on this planet only think of women as sperm receptacles?
And if so, how do you know this? Did you take an exhaustive survey of every person on this planet? Can you read minds?
I'm not a man...but I'm kind of offended for them right now...
You have some deep-seated issues.
Get that money, Crystal! How many years could he have left? She's not going to get a bulk of his fortune though. He has like 5 kids and you best believe they're going to get their "rightful share." She might get a couple of million.
...My darling can't you see
My heart sounds just for you my dear...
Another sad old coot with a much younger wife: John Cleese (73) with his fourth and heavily tanned wife. (He's still paying his second wife $979,000 a year till 2016. For that kind of money, he could have hired a different escort every day.)
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2241657/John-Cleese-Hard-Cleese-...
Whatever Hef is my hero. He must be crazy to be back w her! After that whole show about it where he was talking shit?! What does Mary think?
I think women that dance in strip clubs must feel the same way. Let's face it, men that frequent those places are only seen as cash cows to the performers. The only plus side is that they don't actually have to have sex with the patrons.
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Apparently, Crystal was listening when Dr Phil said "Get with the program".
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Shiitake happens...
Can't they let this man rest in his crypt in peace? Must he be disinterred for photo ops and shit? He probably doesn't even know what year it is. He thinks it's 1970 and this is Barbie Benton and AIDS doesn't exist.
Let the mummified remains of Hugh Hefner REST IN PEACE!!!!!!
*wears pajamas all day in solidarity*
So I says to my wife with glass eye...Crystal?
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It appears they caught Hef in the middle of having a stroke in that pic.
They have so much in common!
She is 26; he was born in 1926!
A match made in heaven.
Poor Dr. Phil.
That's some creepyass-creepy tales-from-the-crypt shit.
--
Do you want a banana?
No i don't wanna