Lindsay Lohan’s assistant Gavin Doyle dramatically quit yesterday morning after she kicked him out of her SUV and he immediately jumped on Twitter to tell her to get help. Everyone assumed by “help” he meant “REHAB!” But one of LiLo’s lawyers Mark Heller says that alcohol never touched her lips the morning she punched one of Dionne Warwick’s psychic friends. Well, TMZ is basically calling Mark Heller a liar, because they say LiLo was drunk on booze when she fisted that psychic in the face, because she’s always drunk on booze.
Several sources tell TMZ that for the past few months, LiLo wakes up in the morning, pours vodka in her coffee cup, brushes her teeth with vodka, gargles with vodka, cleans her pits out with vodka, fills her neti pot with vodka and buttchugs vodka. LiLo starts drinking vodka in the morning and keeps drinking vodka throughout the day. LiLo guzzles down as much as 2 liters of vodka a day. Either I prolapsed again or my liver just slipped out of my ass after I typed “guzzles down as much as 2 liters of vodka a day.”
LiLo’s friends (and even Michael Lohan) have all thrown up their arms and given up on trying to help her, because she won’t listen to them and becomes a real mean bitch when she’s drunk. LiLo’s daily drinking grew to SANTO DIOS proportions when her money and legal troubles got worse.
If LiLo keeps sucking down 2 liters of vodka a day, it won’t be long before most of her internal organs raise a white flag and/or the entire vodka industry tells us that there’s a vodka shortage. Should I make A Vodka Message To Lindsay Lohan video or do you want to do it?