Six seconds after Lindsay Lohan was arrested for being Lindsay Lohan, Michael Lohan, her beloved father and the piece of dried leech shit who played a huge part in turning her into a human tequila worm of delusion, immediately pulled his cell phone out of the totally cool holster strapped to his International Male jeans and called the only people who will take his call: the media.
Michael Lohan tells Radar that he’s the one who tried to get LiLo into rehab and he told everyone she’d continue to be a professional fuck-up if she didn’t get real help. You know Michael Lohan really cares, because I’m sure that the first thing he said to Radar after calling them up was, “Yoko Ono came out with some new hot mesh shirts, so you’re gonna need to add a zero to my usual fee.” This is the pile of extra chunky caca filling that spewed out of Michael’s pie hole this morning:
“I TOLD you exactly what would happen and YOU KNOW I was trying to get Dina on board with me for a long time, BUT especially the last two weeks. Lindsay is acting out in numerous ways because she needs us and internally she’s hurt and angry! Again, it’s ALL on Dina and I wish to God she would stop and resolve things with us to do the same for our children.”
Before calling up Radar, Michael gave parenting advice on Twatter and I’m sure all of you parents will take that advice as soon as you finish asking Halle Berry for dating advice:
“This is for ALL parents who go or went thru the same! Please don’t make the mistakes! Do you see what I mean when our children don’t have BOTH parents there for them and on the same page! I have tried and tried but takes two! I have been trying for years and especially over the past two weeks but my pleas have gone unheard Children need BOTH PARENTS, not alienation”
Michael should write all of that down on a piece of paper and shove it in a bottle of Grey Goose, so Lindsay Lohan will be guaranteed to read it.
You know, it’s really hard to take a grown man seriously when his name is Michael Lohan, and more importantly it’s really hard to take a grown man seriously when he still keeps his cell phone in a holster strapped to his jeans. A cell phone ain’t an old-timey pistol and this ain’t the wild wild west. I bet Michael Lohan makes a “pew pew” sound every time he pulls his phone out. I mean…