Michael Lohan Told You This Was Going To Happen
Six seconds after Lindsay Lohan was arrested for being Lindsay Lohan, Michael Lohan, her beloved father and the piece of dried leech shit who played a huge part in turning her into a human tequila worm of delusion, immediately pulled his cell phone out of the totally cool holster strapped to his International Male jeans and called the only people who will take his call: the media.
Michael Lohan tells Radar that he's the one who tried to get LiLo into rehab and he told everyone she'd continue to be a professional fuck-up if she didn't get real help. You know Michael Lohan really cares, because I'm sure that the first thing he said to Radar after calling them up was, "Yoko Ono came out with some new hot mesh shirts, so you're gonna need to add a zero to my usual fee." This is the pile of extra chunky caca filling that spewed out of Michael's pie hole this morning:
"I TOLD you exactly what would happen and YOU KNOW I was trying to get Dina on board with me for a long time, BUT especially the last two weeks. Lindsay is acting out in numerous ways because she needs us and internally she's hurt and angry! Again, it's ALL on Dina and I wish to God she would stop and resolve things with us to do the same for our children."
Before calling up Radar, Michael gave parenting advice on Twatter and I'm sure all of you parents will take that advice as soon as you finish asking Halle Berry for dating advice:
“This is for ALL parents who go or went thru the same! Please don't make the mistakes! Do you see what I mean when our children don't have BOTH parents there for them and on the same page! I have tried and tried but takes two! I have been trying for years and especially over the past two weeks but my pleas have gone unheard Children need BOTH PARENTS, not alienation”
Michael should write all of that down on a piece of paper and shove it in a bottle of Grey Goose, so Lindsay Lohan will be guaranteed to read it.
You know, it's really hard to take a grown man seriously when his name is Michael Lohan, and more importantly it's really hard to take a grown man seriously when he still keeps his cell phone in a holster strapped to his jeans. A cell phone ain't an old-timey pistol and this ain't the wild wild west. I bet Michael Lohan makes a "pew pew" sound every time he pulls his phone out. I mean...
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Too bad Michael is sooooo stupid, his child is nearly 30 years old he can't make her or anyone else do shit, he should have thought about that when he spent most of her childhood in prison or half way houses. Sorry dude you aren't a father, you are some typical ride along hollywood parent who makes money selling out your own kid. She's going to die, we all know she's going to die, and it's mostly YOUR FAULT. Stop having children you don't and can't raise before the rest of them start dropping like flies.
Father knows best. God bless him for being such a stand up man. That said, other than that pink dog leash he's looking pretty good these days.
I don't know if anyone else has pointed this out, but it's quite ironic that he's saying this considering he has never ever been in the life of that newly revealed daughter.
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"Let s/he who is without sin, cast the first Stoney."
Hope no one is forgetting this shithead attention whore is the same dumb fker that fell three stories in broad daylight onto a tree while on restraining order. "Children need both parents" BITCH FK THE HELL OFF, BLOHAN IS A MESS BUT DO NOT DECLARE YOURSELF A "PARENT". GTFOOH, What a damn asswipe.
The dumb fker does not fall far from the tree, literally.
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"Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known."
-Carl Sagan
*caprica six was/is here
What child is he talking about?? Lindsay is a grown ass coke whore. And a really ugly one too. Hate her new clown duck face.
Go away you wife beating, vagina kicking grifter. You are part of the problem, not the solution.
The whole family needs to be rounded up and dumped in Alcatraz. There is nothing that can be done to get them all on the straight and narrow, they are finished. Thats all I got.
wheres white oprah today? thought she be mumbling some lame ass excuse thru her coke boogers.
☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺
♦ When all else fails, they call me.
♦ Life sucks. Shit Happens. I'm a student of t-shirts.
Does anyone else see padded walls in Lindsay's future? She needs more conservatorship than Britney Spears does at this point, but not by this piece of shit, nor White Oprah.
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What would Jesus do for a Klondike Bar?
Submitted by Foxxy Brown on Thu, 11/29/2012 - 4:21pm.
Ummm, in my defense, you said to refer to your comments in the Michael thread. This IS the Michael thread.
It doesn't matter though, and I see your point. Yes, there are certainly more dangerous people out on the street that need to be incarcerated for crimes of greater magnitude than all of Lohan's put together, but at the same time, she is a consistent habitual offender of pretty serious laws. Why have laws if there is no way to enforce them? Jail overcrowding is an issue - I get it, but at some point, the courts HAVE to look at her and tell her what a danger and threat she is to society. And she is. I know I wouldn't want to be on the same highway as her. I wouldn't want to be in the same room as her - she might be all fucked up and start swinging for no reason, or she might steal my wallet full of money. Or she might steal my coat. Or rip a necklace off of my neck or something. Geesh! She's a fucking menace!
"My pug is smarter than your honor student."
and respectfully apparently you didn't read my comments in the other thread. my statement there has nothing to do with Lohan deserving jail, but everything to do with the fact that much more violent criminals are being (and have long been) prematurely released from LA Co. jail due to overcrowding and tax revenue problems
"Voodoo is forgetting who's the john and who's the whore." MK, 3/20/12
Submitted by Foxxy Brown on Thu, 11/29/2012 - 4:07pm.
@ PSL
see my comment in the Michael thread. as much as she deserves it, imo there are more important uses for LA Co jail space than Lindsay Lohan
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I respectfully disagree. You can't just keep going through life disrespecting the law of the land and doing whatever the fuck you feel like doing without eventually being held accountable for your actions. If you could, there would be no reason for laws.
This crackhead has proven to be nothing but a menace and danger to society. She drinks and drives habitually, she possesses illegal substances, she carjacks, she steals, she lies to police, she doesn't pay her taxes, she doesn't pay her bills, she wrecks cars, she hits people with her cars, she assaults people in the bars. Again, enough is enough. I wholehearted believe that LA County jail space would be well served getting this crackhead off of the street.
"My pug is smarter than your honor student."
his letter should have a picture of his daughter he knew he had for years and years but kept denying it...asshole
@ PSL
see my comment in the other thread. as much as she deserves it, imo there are more important uses for LA Co jail space than Lindsay Lohan
"Voodoo is forgetting who's the john and who's the whore." MK, 3/20/12
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Foxxy, unfortunately that will equal 2 1/2 hrs jail time in L.A.
because she is not a violent criminal (riiiiiiiiiiiiiight- nothing violent about fighting, or carjacking people while gakked up on coke)
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"Elizabeth was drunk on sets. I've never been drunk on set, ever. I did my time and I respect the law."
-Lindsay Lohan 11/2012
@PSL, @Dog --
"... as the day Dlisted declared in one voice: "We will not go quietly into the night!" We will not vanish without a fight! We're going to live on! We're going to survive! Today we celebrate our Independence Day!"
pack your toothbrush and your pruno recipe, bitch. i predict 6 mos jail time in CA, probation in NY
"Voodoo is forgetting who's the john and who's the whore." MK, 3/20/12
PSL, I hope so, too. I'm so sick and tired of her skating when most people would be locked up for months.
And ew. This was all over some boy bander???? Seriously???
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www.charitywater.org
www.theanimalrescuesite.com
www.modestneeds.org
Doggie, I pray to G-d that someone in Santa Monica actually makes this fucking loser bitch pay for her crimes.
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"Elizabeth was drunk on sets. I've never been drunk on set, ever. I did my time and I respect the law."
-Lindsay Lohan 11/2012
BREAKING NEWS!!! Bitch just got new charges filed against her!!! Go to TMZ!
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www.charitywater.org
www.theanimalrescuesite.com
www.modestneeds.org
Code Red, I would surely press charges if some fucking asshole punched me in the face at a club!
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"Elizabeth was drunk on sets. I've never been drunk on set, ever. I did my time and I respect the law."
-Lindsay Lohan 11/2012
NO. Nanners, she is a thesBian!
Submitted by skinny fat:
I live in NYC and if someone punched or slapped me in a club for no good reason, they damn well would be arrested because I would tell the police I'm pressing charges. You can't go around hitting people because you feel like it. This little twat has been in rehab 5 times and arrested just as many. Perhaps she should just stay the fuck home for a while. No one sober is in clubs at 4 am. NO ONE.
** This and a half!
Submitted by skinny fat on Thu, 11/29/2012 - 2:54pm.
TMZ posted that Lindsay was high on cocaine and boozing it up in the club.
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So a typical Wednesday for dedicated thespian Miss L. Lohan.
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What the fuck dude? And being European is NOT an excuse. - IHateCharityChic 05/10/2012
TMZ posted that Lindsay was high on cocaine and boozing it up in the club. We all know she thought that clusterfuck Liz & Dick was going to be her big comeback and she'd be acclaimed as a great actress. The exact opposite happened and she did what she always does - drinks and gets high and acts like a jerk.
Submitted by Dog on Thu, 11/29/2012 - 2:06pm.
Speaking of Michael Lohan, I'm eating overcooked, dried-out Brussels sprouts right now and am not happy about it.
Doggie, life's too short to eat bad Brussels sprouts.
This turd redefines the word shameless.
I wonder if he really thinks he's fooling everyone into thinking he's a "concerned father". He must have a low opinion of the general IQ level of people. Either that, or his is so low he really can't comprehend such things.
Ugh. Why can't he develop paralysis of the mouth and fuck off?
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Drunks as skunks
Submitted by CodeRed on Thu, 11/29/2012 - 2:04pm.
in here defense, arresting her for that is unwarranted...
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I live in NYC and if someone punched or slapped me in a club for no good reason, they damn well would be arrested because I would tell the police I'm pressing charges. You can't go around hitting people because you feel like it. This little twat has been in rehab 5 times and arrested just as many. Perhaps she should just stay the fuck home for a while. No one sober is in clubs at 4 am. NO ONE.
Why is he trying to sound like he suddenly gives a shit? Too late bub, you don't wait until she is famous and then start parenting! Ugh, he's gross and makes me feel for Lohan *shakes violently*
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"CAUTION: Delusion ahead." MK
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douche dynasty.
every lohan is a total douchebag.
*peddles off in a mint '88 yugo*
Why does he keep referring to Lindsay as a child? Okay, internally, your kids are always your kids. But she is 26 years old and an addict with mental problems, I assume. If BOTH her parents are on the same page, great. But if she had only one parent, or NO parents, she would still have to come to the realization that she is a fuck up. That she has addiction issues. That she is not running her life like a happy healthy well adjusted adult. I wonder what Micheal would do if he didn't have Lindsay and Dina to run to the press with? What would fill his hours and days?
And let's be honest, constantly being called a trainwreck, trash, firecrotch, etc. -- doesn't help one 'see the light'.
Sans Fards, never said she wasn't responsible for her own choices, to a degree, but I don't negate the fact that those that surround her are psycho and she is lacking in support. Like it or not, that does affect people. It's hard to climb out of a hole, when you don't have a clue how to find the way.
One thing I agree with you on, is she will probably need to hit rock bottom (hopefully sans death) in order to do so.
Submitted by Lisbet459 on Thu, 11/29/2012 - 2:12pm.
Submitted by Dog on Thu, 11/29/2012 - 2:06pm.
Speaking of Michael Lohan, I'm eating overcooked, dried-out Brussels sprouts right now and am not happy about it.
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Well. That demands context, doesn't it?
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It would but then someone would take it OUT of context and then I'd have to hit the talk show circuit to whine and complain that someone did, in fact, take what I said out of context when, really, all it was was a wardrobe malfunction and I absolutely did NOT see that cactus that purposely tripped me as I was coming out of a club at 5:00am absolutely NOT drunk.
And really, can't we all just tweet along?
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www.charitywater.org
www.theanimalrescuesite.com
www.modestneeds.org
chewinsmoke, would you be willing to host Chris Brown for one of these bootcamps? You can skip the jazz about the chores and just commence with the ass-kicking, if you will.
thxxx!
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Submitted by P.T.Bull on Tue, 09/25/2012 - 10:33pm.
"This bitch is crazier than a pillowcase full of clear-level scientologist possums."
Prolly shoulda thought about this before he walked out on his family.
Make no mistake though - I hate her guts. She's the epitome of a spoiled, enabled, entitled little bitch who appreciates NOTHING.
Give her a month or two with me - and I will show her what assault really is. I would kick her ass into next week and do it with a smile on my face. She would learn to clean the house, go to bed early, get up early, go to work, earn an honest living, pay bills, and do what every single one of the rest of us have to do just to survive. You know, all of the stuff about which she has no idea.
"My pug is smarter than your honor student."
Submitted by Dog on Thu, 11/29/2012 - 2:06pm.
Speaking of Michael Lohan, I'm eating overcooked, dried-out Brussels sprouts right now and am not happy about it.
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Well. That demands context, doesn't it?
Submitted by bigorexia on Thu, 11/29/2012 - 2:08pm.
Oh FFS! Did you miss the part where I just said I'm eating?!?!
*throws Tupperware of lunch into the garbage and flees the room screaming*
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www.charitywater.org
www.theanimalrescuesite.com
www.modestneeds.org
Submitted by CodeRed on Thu, 11/29/2012 - 2:04pm.
With all due respect, if someone punches me in the face in a club I am pressing assault charges against them and having them arrested. I don't care who they are. Plus Avenue is not a club where it's the norm to fight...
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Your Chick-Fil-A is showing. - ISprainedMyUvula 8/3/2012
Am I the only one who is strangely sexually attracted to him? He is a douche but I kind of want his 50-year-old peen in my mouth anyway. Maybe I have Daddy issues.
Speaking of Michael Lohan, I'm eating overcooked, dried-out Brussels sprouts right now and am not happy about it.
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www.charitywater.org
www.theanimalrescuesite.com
www.modestneeds.org
the webster's definition of lohan is a grifter...
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"The thing women have yet to learn is nobody gives you power. You just take it." --
Roseanne Barr
Submitted by motherslittlehelper on Thu, 11/29/2012 - 1:57pm.
I worry for her. She has sh*t for parents, is surrounded by drugs/booze/Hollyweird. Where does this woman turn for support? I hope she gets it. While she's amusing to some, she's still human.
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I don't. It's a pathetic spectacle, to be sure, but at the end of the day, Lindsay is an adult and is responsible for the choices she makes. At any time, she could choose to leave Hollywood and the bad influences around her, and start fresh. If she were serious about getting help, and getting clean, she could do so.
But time and time again she's shown that she simply doesn't WANT to get away from the mess her life is now, and she never will until she hits absolute rock bottom. Nobody's beyond redemption I guess but I have no confidence that she'll ever pull herself out of the wreck she made of her life.
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Submitted by P.T.Bull on Tue, 09/25/2012 - 10:33pm.
"This bitch is crazier than a pillowcase full of clear-level scientologist possums."
tolerancecompassionlove "KEEP ON KEEP STRONG" WHITNEY HOUSTON
Maybe if he didn't feel the need to pork our earholes with wordfartz every time his loser daughter screwed up, someone would take him seriously.
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www.charitywater.org
www.theanimalrescuesite.com
www.modestneeds.org
in here defense, arresting her for that is unwarranted. Although, she should know better and know she's being watched and they're just waiting to pounce on the occasion because of her probation, troubles, shitty performance, who she is. Don't play with fire or you'll get burned, and there she goes playing with fire, again and again. I've been out in my younger years in clubs and fights at 3:00 were the norm. Inside and outside the clubs. Men and women, and no one got arrested for throwing a weak punch, only separated. When inside a club, the most that would happen is you get thrown out of the club.
And maybe the NYC dep were especially eager too due to what her mother said about them being more lenient than in California. Like they let anything go.They had something to prove.
tolerancecompassionlove stupid mother-fucker is good at throwing the blame on Dina...take responsibilty for YOUR ACTIONS YOU FUCK....stop playing the victim...sad. KEEP STRONG LINDSAY.
"it's really hard to take a grown man seriously when he still keeps his cell phone in a holster strapped to his jeans."
also hard to take him seriously when he's holding court while holding a little pink flexi-leash with a little pink bone holding little blue poop bags
"Voodoo is forgetting who's the john and who's the whore." MK, 3/20/12