Brad Pitt is promoting his new movie Killing Them Softly (Side note: I think I just read your mind and I think you just wished Killing Them Softly was a Fugees biopic. I do too.) and that means it’s about that time for every damn reporter to ask him about weed and marrying St. Angie Jo. In every reporter’s defense, it’s kind of hard to NOT ask Brad Pitt about the good shit when he’s sitting there looking like he just peeled himself off of a pleather couch after being knocked out in a marijuana-induced Funyuns coma for 20 hours. Dude looks like he has just enough energy to hold and operate a BIC lighter while taking a bong hit. You don’t know how many times I wished that I had BIC lighters for fingers.
People says that at last night’s NYC premiere of Killing Them Softly, one reporter asked Brad if he’s going to become Angie Jo’s third husband anytime soon and he said this:
“I am getting more pressure from my kids, and it is something I want to do within their lifetime, but I also feel like the time has come. The time is nigh. It’s soon. I got a good feeling about it.”
Um, bitch, that good feeling you’ve got is called “You HIGH!” That good feeling was a Taco Bell-produced fart bubble slowly slipping out of his ass. But you know, the “good feeling” you get about getting married soon probably feels a lot like the “good feeling” you get when a fart bubble is about to fall out of your ass to join the air.
And Brad really did say, “The time is nigh.” Now we know that both Bill & Ted were based on Brad Pitt.
“Equality, absolutely, that’s what defines us. It’s what makes us great. If it doesn’t sit well with your religion, let your God sort it out in the end, but that’s us. We’re equal….I do believe that we should be responsible for our own choices in talking about the drug laws, and that the drug war is an ultimate failure and that the billions and billions of dollars that we’ve committed to it, there’s got to be a better way. I don’t believe in incarceration over education — don’t get me started. But there’s real damage to drugs; that is not the same as with gay marriage. Since the last round [of elections], they’ve been linked in every article. I find that curious.”
And now we know that Brad Pitt is all for me marrying Anderson Cooper in every state while wearing a smokable tuxedo made of legal weed buds. Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, again, reporters should finally ask him if he knows how Benicio Del Toro and Jeff Bridges feel about him looking like their broken condom love child.