Five days ago, 250 fans and media people got on a Boeing 777 for a 7-day journey to see the wailing 7-head perform 7 shows in 7 cities and now they’re all 7 seconds away from completely losing their minds 7 different ways.
It all started in Los Angeles last Wednesday and they all thought it was going to be a non-stop party, because a few minutes into the flight from L.A. to Mexico City, RiRi came through the aisles with free bottles of champagne. RiRi posed for pictures, poured them the carbonated sweet nectar and promised they were going to party their dicks off. From Mexico City they flew to Toronto and then Stockholm, and by the time they left Sweden for Paris, they were all pretty much over it. They’re permanently jet-lagged, they never see RiRi and she starts her shows almost 2 hours late every night. Julianne Smolinski at Popdust put it like this:
For those of you who don’t understand why being on a plane with Rihanna for five days might not be so bad:
1) Okay, you have a point. We’re very lucky to be here and to have jobs to do. Just being employed and invited to hear music and eat free sandwiches for a week is a privilege, and I think most of the fans and journalists aboard felt that way for the first part of the trip.
2) That being said … Picture the last time you were delayed at an airport for several hours. Now picture that happening several times in one day, with no ability to make calls, text, or use the internet. Sometimes you aren’t sure of the next time you’ll be able to use a bathroom, get water, or eat. Now picture that happening for five days in a row, all while you’re supposed to be doing your job remotely. Now picture that, with a steady soundtrack of European house music.
3) Also picture that Rihanna is supposed to be on your plane, and she is barely present until she shows up on stage, hours late.
In other words: BITCHES ARE GOING CRAZY!
I bet that plane smells like armpit butter, old meat, curdled milk, dirty tampons, whiskey-infused barf and seven kinds of dick cheese. So basically it smells like RiRi’s perfume and the stankness is making them all mad. In the video above, an Australian shock jock runs naked as they all chant while flying from Berlin to London. Fuse’s Jason Newman said they were all declaring mutiny against RiRi.
They still have to get through RiRi’s show in London tonight and then they fly to their last city NYC tomorrow morning. I’m thinking that somewhere between London and NYC, a few journalists will be eaten and then they’ll take RiRi hostage and threaten to smoke all her weed unless they land the plane in the nearest city with a working shower and WiFi.
Or their plane will have to make an emergency crash landing on a deserted island and they’ll be stuck with RiRi forever!
If you need more laughs from this nightmare of a sky trip, spend some time with #rihannaplane on Twitter. It’s a mess. And here’s RiRi at her show in Berlin, at the airport in Germany and in London this morning.