If you had Good Morning America on mute while getting ready for work today, you probably thought that Amy Robach was interviewing some 60-something Boca Raton socialite about the dangers of injecting insulation foam directly into your face. That wasn’t a 60-something Boca Raton socialite, it was Lindsay Lohan who was on GMA to piss Barbara Walters off yet again.
LiLo was also on GMA to whore out the post-Thanksgiving turkey that is Liz & Dick and she talked about how she got the role. Surprisingly (served between two layers of lukewarm sarcasm), the producers didn’t go to LiLo first. LiLo went to them. Specifically, she called them all the time, hid in the bushes outside of their houses, followed their children to school and crawled into their beds at night until they finally gave in, screamed MERCY and threw the role at the bitch. The skills she learned from stalking SamRo paid off and it got her a job.
Then Amy Robach brought up LiLo’s half-sister and ho tried to act like it was the first time she heard about this:
“I didn’t even hear that, so thanks for the news. I don’t pay attention to any of it. I don’t want to get into that. I want to stay on the positive side of things.”
Please, when Lindsay Lohan isn’t crank calling (meaning she does crank before calling) her rival Barbara Walters, she’s Googling herself. So of course this ho knew about having a half-sister, but it’s best to play dumb.
When you almost hit a baby in a stroller with your Porsche, pretend like you didn’t see it and you don’t even know what a baby looks like. When a cop finds a hot necklace in your purse, pretend that it’s not your purse and you’ll have to look up the word “stolen” in the dictionary, because you don’t even know what that means. When Amy Robach asks you about your half-sister, pretend you don’t know what she’s talking about. The Lohan family oath states that you must always share your stash with a blood relative, but if you don’t admit to having a half-sister, then technically you don’t have to share your 8-ball with her.
And there’s today’s lesson from LiLo!