The world collectively shrugged when Lindsay Lohan said that her mom was on coke during a drunken mess of a call to her piece of trash father after partying most of the night. This was a surprise to no one, because you don’t get nostrils like that just from breathing in air, bitch. Nostrils don’t lie. Oh, but LiLo’s mom White Oprah says they do. The cocaine industry’s Mother of Every Year told Entertainment Tonight that she cried out real tears when LiLo accused her of inhaling the bad shit and she’s glad that her daughter finally told the truth. Today’s daily laugh is powered by this:
“Absolutely lied. We were having an argument, it escalated. She just wanted to hurt me at that moment. You know, mothers [and] daughters, we fight. I hate cocaine. I don’t do cocaine.
I’m so proud of her for telling the truth because it destroyed me. I mean, I cried for weeks. It just hurt me so bad and she knew how horrible that was, and she came clean and told the truth that she lied. I’m very proud of her for that, which is very difficult to have to do. There’s so much more to the story than the public sees, and it takes its toll on my children and myself, and we’re just trying to move forward.”
White Oprah went on to say, “No, I really, really hate cocaine. I hate cocaine more than I hate working and that says a lot. Wait, do you have any coke on you? I’m only asking because I can’t even be in the same room with the stuff. I don’t even know what it looks like! But if you have any, give it to me and I’ll throw it away in the bathroom. While I’m flushing that Satan powder down the toilet in the bathroom, you might hear me snorting and sniffling. That’s just me having an allergic reaction to cocaine. Yes, I’m allergic to it. Cocaine even hates me! No, seriously, do you have any?“
And every coke dealer in the Long Island area is extra sad today. White Oprah just denied their beautiful relationship. This is like when the dude you’ve been hooking up with for weeks ignores you in the bar. What a cold cokehead that White Oprah is.