Thanks to Applebee’s, Dave and Buster’s, Dallas BBQ, Chevys, Red Lobster and Olive Garden, Times Square is the culinary capital of New York City and now it’s the culinary capital of the world. Times Square can thank Guy Fieri (born name: Guy Ferry, which sounds like the name of John Travolta’s boys, booze and blow jobs cruise) for making that happen, because that’s where he opened his three-story, 500-seat gourmet emporium called Guy’s American Kitchen & Bar. The New York Times reviewed Guy’s latest mess of an eating place and the review is full of so much gold that I just want to slather it with donkey sauce, top it with SMC and eat it all. Let’s start with the ingenious names for some of the gourmet dingles on Guy’s menu:
- Guy’s Pat LaFrieda custom blend, all-natural Creekstone Farm Black Angus beef patty, LTOP (lettuce, tomato, onion + pickle), SMC (super-melty-cheese) and a slathering of Donkey Sauce on garlic-buttered brioche
- Awesome Pretzel Chicken Tenders
- Ain’t No Thing Butta Chicken Wing
- Guy-talian Nachos
The Times’ Peter Wells then went off and created a masterpiece of a review. Guy’s food is just like him, it’s gross, full of lard and putting your mouth on it will give you a never-ending case of the wet shits. That’s what it did to Peter and he let it all out in his review. Here’s just a few of his greatest hits:
- Hey, did you try that blue drink, the one that glows like nuclear waste? The watermelon margarita? Any idea why it tastes like some combination of radiator fluid and formaldehyde?
- When you hung that sign by the entrance that says, WELCOME TO FLAVOR TOWN!, were you just messing with our heads?
- What accounts for the vast difference between the Donkey Sauce recipe you’ve published and the Donkey Sauce in your restaurant? Why has the hearty, rustic appeal of roasted-garlic mayonnaise been replaced by something that tastes like Miracle Whip with minced raw garlic? And when we hear the words Donkey Sauce, which part of the donkey are we supposed to think about?
- Is the entire restaurant a very expensive piece of conceptual art? Is the shapeless, structureless baked alaska that droops and slumps and collapses while you eat it, or don’t eat it, supposed to be a representation in sugar and eggs of the experience of going insane?
- Why did the toasted marshmallow taste like fish?
ATMOSPHERE 500 seats, three levels, three bars, one chaotic mess.
SERVICE The well-meaning staff seems to realize that this is not a real restaurant.
SOUND LEVEL Rawk and roll, but at moderate volumes.
Guy’s restaurant should be shut down and he should be prosecuted to the furthest extent of the law for making toasted marshmallows taste like fish. That’s like a dream wrapped in a nightmare. That sounds like something you’d find on the floor of a strip club in Thailand after the strippers ran out of ping pong balls. And donkey sauce? Sauce that goes on food shouldn’t make me think of Fear Factor.
Guy’s restaurant sounds the kind of place where you’d pull a bleached hair out of your food and wonder if it came from the nutsack on top of his neck or the nutsack on his crotch. As temping as that sounds, I’ll pass. I’ll wait until Sandra Lee opens her own restaurant. It’ll be a giant tablescape and the only thing she’ll serve will be an economy-sized bottle of vodka and melted Otter Pops and Lemon Fresh Clorox for mixers.