Brangelina’s Child Army Terrorizes A Missouri Pizza Place

November 14, 2012 / Posted by:

No visit to Springfield, Missouri is complete for Brad Pitt and Angie Jolie until their child army has smeared tomato sauce and melted cheese all over the walls of Arris’ Pizza. UsWeekly says that every time Brangelina visits Brad’s family in Springfield, they pay a visit to Arris’ and let their ten thousand kids go wild on the place. I get a panic attack if I even drive by a Chuck E. Cheese (aka hyper brat central), so this story is making me wish Coffee-mate came in Xanax flavor.

Some source tells UsWeekly that Brad and Angie rent out the entire place and leave their team of nannies at home, so Maddox, Zahara, the Chosen Ones, Shiloh and Pax can really turn into a hyperactive, Dr. Pepper-fueled tornado of destruction. The source put it like this:

“The place shuts down for the entire night and the kids raise a ruckus. They jump on tables and even throw food at each other! Brad and Angelina just sit there and talk to one another while the children run around in circles!”

That’s some Lord of the Flies shit. More like Lord of the Pizza Pies.

The Brangelina Child Army probably starts their battle by “juicing up” on soda. Then Maddox screams while smearing pizza blood (aka tomato sauce) on his face, Pax throws pepperoni discs across the room and the Chosen Ones shoot meatballs from sling shots made of metal forks and rubber bands. Zahara is more stealth. Zahara sneaks up on Shiloh and stabs her with a breadstick. They keep doing that until the staff crawls out of the kitchen holding white surrender flags made of paper napkins.

Meanwhile, Brad rambles about his overpriced furniture collection and Angie deals with the annoying noise by swallowing another bottle of red wine. The annoying noise being Brad Pitt going on and on about furniture, not the wild screeches from the child as they destroy a pizza place.

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