Joaquin Phoenix Doesn’t Hate The Oscars

November 13, 2012 / Posted by:

Joaquin Phoenix will probably get an Oscar nomination for playing a crazy, wild cult member (Note: He’s basically playing Jenna Elfman.) in The Master and he said in Interview Magazine last month that he could give a shit about wrapping his hand around a gold-plated dildo man trophy. Joaquin said the Oscars are utter bullshit and he doesn’t want to be a part of it at all. Just when I was starting to hope that the Academy would tell Joaquin to eat shit and give an Oscar to a Phoenix who really deserves it (example: A lifetime achievement Oscar to Rain Phoenix for her work in Maid to Order and To Die For), he’s trying to make nice.

The studio and Joaquin’s publicist have dropped him on a tricycle and told him to back pedal, bitch, back pedal! The Sydney Morning Herald asked Joaquin if he thinks his hate for the Oscars will cost him a nomination and he said this:

“I guess I sound like a dick. I didn’t even know that I was in a position to do something that would cost me something. But I know that first of all, I wouldn’t have the career that I have if it weren’t for the Oscars. I haven’t been in a lot of movies that have made a lot of money … And getting nominated for a movie has probably helped my career tremendously. But in some ways it’s the antithesis of what you want to be as an actor. You’re always trying to free yourself of the artifice, which is really difficult. Especially when you suck, like me.”

Then he was asked if he thinks he’s getting a nomination.

“Come on man, you know that it’s more complex than that. It’s not like I fucking hate the Oscars … It doesn’t occupy my time to where I can build up hate. What I was reacting to was sometimes the reverence that we have about these things. I don’t want to revere it.”

Douche, please. Joaquin wants us all to think he’s like “whatever” about an Oscar nomination, but you know that when nobody’s looking he practices his acceptance speech in the mirror while holding a trophy he bought from eBay. When he’s not doing that, he’s on the phone with Nate Silver, begging to know his chances. He probably sounds like a strung out crackie when he’s on the phone with Nate Silver. “Is it a hard 80.987% or a soft 80.987%? I NEED TO KNOW! I will suck yo dick if it helps. Please!

Joaquin is wasting his time, though. He will get an Oscar nomination, but he won’t win. See, the major twist in Les Miserable is that Fantine not only cuts off her hair, but she gets a female-to-male sex change too. Anne Hathaway will get Best Actress, Best Actor, Best Supporting Actress and Best Supporting Actress. She’s going to win all the Oscars on Oscar night, so Joaquin can stay under his bridge.

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