Jessica Biel Is Gerard Butler’s “One That Got Away”

November 12, 2012 / Posted by:

Gerard Butler’s constantly wandering dick has a serious case of ADD and needs to constantly jump from one cooch to another, but some source tells Radar that he wished he would’ve shoved a Ritalin pill up his peen hole and settled down with Jessica Biel. Gerard and Jessica dated for a quick minute while she and Justin Timberlake were on a break, but it ended because she wanted to get married and pop out babies and he’s a high level man whore who gets the shakes if he doesn’t dip his peen into a new piece every five seconds. But Gerard regrets not stopping his slut ways to get into it deep with Jessica, because he’s lost his chance and he’ll have to wait forever for another chance (or he’ll just have to until she eventually divorces Justin in a couple of years). The source said this about Gerard’s feelings:

“Gerard doesn’t have many regrets but not treating Jessica with the respect she deserved while they dated is one of them. He genuinely believes she was the one that got away. Jessica liked Gerard a lot, she was into his boyish nature, but she wanted something more serious. She was ready to settle down. [Gerard is happy that Jessica married Justin] but he still thinks he missed out. He just wasn’t man enough to admit the feelings he had for her at the time.”

When I think of things that got away from Gerard Butler, I usually think of shampoo and a bar of soap, but now I’ll think of Jessica Biel. I’m sure Gerard Butler will never get over this and he’ll have to drown his sorrows in random chocha to temporarily forget about Jennifer, Jessie, Joshua or whatever her name was (Gerard’s words not mine). But Gerard should feel better knowing that whenever Jessica finds an old tub of Parkay in the back of her refrigerator and starts to clean off the margarine crust stuck to its lid, she’ll think of all the times she had to use a spoon to scrape the layers of dirty dick butter from the roof of her mouth after giving him a beej. At least they’ll always have that.

Here’s Mr. & Mrs. TimberBiel putting Operation Damage Control into action by handing out stuff to the victims of Hurricane Sandy in Far Rockaway, Queens over the weekend. 

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