Taco Bell executives are bawling into each other’s arms, because it’s been months since Matthew McConaughey has pulled up to one of their drive-thrus and said, “Alright alright alright, just throw everything on the menu into a blender, liquefy for 20 seconds and pour directly into my slop hole” after a major bonge binge. The Texas T-Rex temporarily broke up with his true love, the good shit, a few months ago, because he needed to shrink himself to the size of a Marc Anthony to play the lead role in The Dallas Buyer’s Club. Matthew is playing real-life person Ron Woodruff, a womanizing homophobic junkie who got HIV in the mid-80s from dirty needles and later became an important AIDS activist.
After months of only eating protein and very little carbs, Matthew left LAX on Friday to finally begin shooting TDBC in
Texas New Orleans with Jared Leto and Jennifer Garner. Matthew long said that his goal is to not look healthy and he definitely achieved that. Dude’s head looks like it’s trying to escape from his neck and his normally stubby T-rex arms look extra long. Dude looks like a caricature drawing come to life. If he does get that Oscar, they should give him a trophy that’s gold foil on the outside and chocolate on the inside.
Matthew can easily gain all the weight back just by sniffing something deep fried at The Texas State Fair, but he should try to keep all the weight off so that he can play the Toys ‘R Us giraffe in a biopic. That’s how he’ll really get that Oscar he wants. But seriously, dude looks like a giraffe. I want to drive up next to him in a Jeep and feed him leaves.