You weren’t the only one drunkenly slurring out nonsense about exclamation points and music (Wurr’s da muzak?!) during last night’s 12-hour-long America’s Next Top President season finale, so was Diane Sawyer. Maybe! Since the Food Network didn’t air a special election night cocktail party hosted by Drunk Ass Sandra Lee and NBC made the wrong decision by not making Kathie Lee Gifford the star of their election night news coverage, somebody had to get drunk and deliver the news with a slur and that somebody was Diane Sawyer.
As George Stethoscopeolous sat there, dreading the moment when he’ll have to hold back Diane’s hair as she drunk barfs into a trash can in his dressing room later in the night, Diane asked who ever to play the music, rambled on about whatever and sometimes she looked like you when you’re drunk as all shit in front of your parents and concentrating hard on trying to look sober.
Sure, it’s possible that Diane Sawyer hasn’t slept since the last election ended and was suffering from the chronic tireds, but it’s more fun to think of her starting off her night right by buttchugging chardonnay and snorting whole Xanax pills.
The news should always look like this.